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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should not have spent £50 on some flowers for my IL'd 50th Anniversary?

184 replies

GordonTheGopher · 02/09/2008 18:23

Money is tight.

Flowers die.

He went behind my back because he knew I'd be cross.

I am.

I would never dream of spending that much on my parents' anniversary.

AIBU?

If I am I will accept it and not put him in the doghouse tonight!

OP posts:
fanjolina · 03/09/2008 10:58

Its not necessarily a lot if you have the money. But it shows double standards complaining about spending money on flowers for an anniversary. As £25K on a wedding (honeymoon included or not) is certainly on the more extravagant side....

...well, unless you are Jordan or Collette Rooney

doggiesayswoof · 03/09/2008 11:01

I thought YWNBU until I saw that you'd spent 25k on your wedding....

However think OP's dh needs to get a grip about finances - he's an adult

MrsBates · 03/09/2008 11:07

Would be better to see them, but a big bunch of flowers arriving can lift the heart so I guess he wanted his parents to have that feeling from him. Might not just be guilt - might be a bit of love in there too don't you think?

A lot of money but I wouldn't expect my husband to clear it with me first if he wanted to send flowers to his parents. Although it would be odd if he did since they are both dead.

Don't make too much of it or he'll be spending another £50 to send some to you. Does he ever buy you any?

Dropdeadfred · 03/09/2008 11:09

Oh okay

claudiaschiffer · 03/09/2008 11:16

Oh dropdeadfred, don't be it's entirely up to you what you spend on your wedding - i've just seen your pics on your profile you and your girls are lovely. You look like you are all having an amazing time. Weddings (and 50th anniversaries to momentarily get back to the op) are wonderful times. Enjoy them.

Dropdeadfred · 03/09/2008 11:20

Thank you Claudia, from a super model that is high praise indeed!!!

Dropdeadfred · 03/09/2008 11:21

And yes to the OP, if you spent £25k on a wedding ybvu to not allow your dh to spend £50 on his parents...

claudiaschiffer · 03/09/2008 11:23

Tis a pleasure dropdeadfred

MNHQ2 · 03/09/2008 11:26

Isn't the question phrased a bit oddly too....
"for my IL's 50th anniversary", rather than "for his parents 50th anniversary"

theressomethingaboutmarie · 03/09/2008 11:27

that is alot of money and he should have consulted you. It's my SIL's 30th today and DH was talking about how much he would spend on her at the weekend. He was talking about £70. I said that whilst I appreciated that it was an important event, he should consider what he has (money wise) before considering what he should spend. He spent £50 in the end (he got her some beautiful earrings); I feel glad that we made the decision together as it should be.

expatinscotland · 03/09/2008 11:32

£25K on a wedding!?

OMG! No wonder 'money is tight'.

For real?

expatinscotland · 03/09/2008 11:32

£25K on a wedding is a fuckload of money.

cory · 03/09/2008 11:34

I agree that if money is tight, then a sum of this kind would need to be discussed beforehand. On the other hand, if the OP is worried about the money, she could have broached the subject in time (presumably it was no secret that that the occasion was coming up?) and suggested other ways to show the ILs your appreciation while sparing the bank balance. On an occasion like this, initiative makes a big difference. Just sitting back and complaining afterwards gives the impression that you don't really care about his parents and don't see this as a problem. I have known this attitude to wreck relationships before.

Fair enough, if they are horrible people who gave him a miserable childhood, but otherwise you need to accommodate his need to show his appreciation- as presumably you hope your own dc's will want to show theirs one day.

BreeVanderCampLGJ · 03/09/2008 11:35

£25k on a wedding.....

AprilMeadow · 03/09/2008 11:37

YABTU - its £50 for goodness sake, not like it was £500! And if you spent £25k on your wedding and were given a holiday by them then i think you are totally selfish.

Dh and i have an account that all our bills come out of and then have our own personal accounts for any left over money. I would never dream of telling him what he could or culd not spend it on.

My MIL got married in May and WE paid for it. Was on a budget of £1500 but we made it work and it wsa a fab day.

Neither my parents or his mum or dad (his dad died 13yrs ago) will ever make it to 50yrs as they are on 2nd marriages. My parents made it to 13yrs and are now 11 & 9yrs into their second marriages whilst being in their 50's.

Your dh is very lucky to have had his parents together for that long so it is TOTALLY ok for him to spend that much on them. I know flowers can be seen to be a cop out/last minute present but i love them and only wish i got sent them more often. If you knew that money was going to be tight then why didnt you (meaning the both of you) start putting money aside for this big landmark? You would have known for at least a year that it was a big one.... Also if you had have gone out for a meal you would have paid that a head surely????

Snap out of it and realise how selfish you sound

QuintessentialShadow · 03/09/2008 11:44

Are you more irked about the £50 or that your husband does not feel he can even talk to you about getting his parents an anniverary present? I think that is more sad than any amount of money spent.

AbbeyA · 03/09/2008 11:45

25k is a horrendous amount for one day IMO. If OP really spent this amount then it puts the £50 in a very different context. If you can't afford it then you should have a cheap wedding, they can be just as nice.
In reply to LLPJ, DH should be instigating doing something for the anniversary but OP should be helping, they are now related to her as well. It needs to be a joint effort.
If you marry someone you become a DIL as well as wife-you can't sit back and say they are nothing to do with you!

armarda · 03/09/2008 11:45

There is nothing inherently wrong with spending £25k on a wedding. We spent close to that. Yes of course you can get married and have a lovely day etc on far less so lets not turn this into a debate about the costs of weddings. However if £25k has recently been spent on a wedding AND this is their 50th AND he rarely buys anything THEN I might mention it to him that I was disappointed not to be consulted but it would be wholly disporportionate to make out this is a really big thing. So the OP is BU given what we understand to be the case.

AbbeyA · 03/09/2008 11:47

I don't think I could spend 25K on a wedding!!Even if I had it, I can think of much better uses for it!

Original poster
GordonTheGopher · 03/09/2008 11:50

Blardy hell is this still going on.

Yes we spent a lot on our wedding. That was a while back and things are different now.

Didn't realise I was supposed to have the same financial situation for my whole life.

And FWIW my parents paid a lot of money towards our wedding.

Not that it's got anything to do with this thread- fanjolina's got it in for me for some reason and has too much time on her hands.

OP posts:
beanieb · 03/09/2008 11:54

was it his £50?

zippitippitoes · 03/09/2008 11:55

but did your ils pay for you to go on a luxury holiday

Original poster
GordonTheGopher · 03/09/2008 11:56

We have a joint account - there is no 'his' or 'hers'.

Can I just say it is not the amount of money - it's that he didn't tell me about it, and that it was on flowers. We could have sorted out a nicer present that would have lasted for longer for less money imo.

OP posts:
MNHQ2 · 03/09/2008 11:56

Well you definitely won't have the same financial situation if you spend so much on a wedding

Not sure why you think one poster out of all the ones who have said YABU has it in for you.....

Original poster
GordonTheGopher · 03/09/2008 11:57

She's said something else on another thread.

OP posts:
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