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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think dh should not have spent £50 on some flowers for my IL'd 50th Anniversary?

184 replies

GordonTheGopher · 02/09/2008 18:23

Money is tight.

Flowers die.

He went behind my back because he knew I'd be cross.

I am.

I would never dream of spending that much on my parents' anniversary.

AIBU?

If I am I will accept it and not put him in the doghouse tonight!

OP posts:
2point4kids · 02/09/2008 19:28

If the first you knew about any present was when MIL rang to thank you, then I presume you were happy to give no present at all (seeing as you obviously hadnt discussed it beforehand).

I think a 50th anniversary is definitely worth marking in a special way.
If he had have discussed it with you beforehand and he said he wanted to spend the money on flowers as thats what he thought they would really love... would you honestly have been open to discuss it?
If your DH was worried that you would insist you not mark the ocassion all and he wanted to do something then I am not surprised he did it himself without telling you.

I can understand how you feel. I too would be annoyed that £50 had gone on flowers when it could have bought so many other things, but its one of those things that you need to let go.

LazyLinePainterJane · 02/09/2008 19:29

It's too much money when you are short.

Yes, it is an achievement, but it is their achievement. Yes, it is a big deal, but he could have done something cheaper, made something that I am sure his parents would have loved just as much as some flowers.

If he went behind your back then he must have had a feeling that it was not the right thing to do.

He could have spent a lot of time making them a cake or creating a gift basket or something.

Tutter · 02/09/2008 19:31

the money isn't really the issue imo - it's the going behind your back

zippitippitoes · 02/09/2008 19:31

or he felt strongly it was the right thing to do and he wanted to and didnt want to be talked out of it

i do honestly think that it is a big occasion for children and their spouses if they have them to share

MNHQ2 · 02/09/2008 19:33

I agree zippi.

Better that the OP is a bit put out now, than is resented by her DH for him not being able to buy his parents what he wanted to for such a momentous occasion.

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 19:37

Well, my folks are getting close to their 50th, but they know money is tight and they'd be utterly mortified if they knew we'd spent that kind of money on flowers.

Big achievement and all that crap, like it's been such a hardship to be married that long to someone. My folks have enjoyed it!

It's their anniversary and they are already planning how to celebrate it together.

I don't get where that means £50 on flowers when their kids are short on cash - I mean, damn, my folks have been through hard times financially, they understand how it is.

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 19:39

exactly, LLPG, and if he knew the family was short on cash then he could have found a way to spin an extra 50 quid if he really wanted to spend that on flowers for them.

i'm desperate to get DD1 as DSLite for Xmas, which thankfully i can get a lot cheaper in the US, but it means i've got some stuff on Gumtree just now and am going to a boot sale on Saturday.

LazyLinePainterJane · 02/09/2008 20:01

I cannot imagine that any relative of mine would be anything other than incensed to find out that, when struggling, I splashed out fifty quid on flowers for them.

Indeed expat. It's not as if the anniversary came up and surprised everyone, he could have saved in advance, sold some things on ebay or something.

Tutter · 02/09/2008 20:02

it's about appreciating the efforts on another, no?

flowers from your own garden can be as thoughtful a gift as an expensive meal, or china, or whatever

expatinscotland · 02/09/2008 20:03

absolutely, tutter.

Tutter · 02/09/2008 20:04

of, i mean

Original poster
GordonTheGopher · 02/09/2008 20:04

Unfortunately he is still stuck in his 'rich bachelor' mode and sees £50 as not a lot of money.

We are seriously going to have words about Christmas.

I.E. he's getting socks.

OP posts:
MNHQ2 · 02/09/2008 20:04

Maybe he did save up? And is money being tight the same thing as struggling? (Not trying to split hairs, just wondering, as my interpretation was that the OP was not in dire straits, just needing to be a bit careful with money)

MNHQ2 · 02/09/2008 20:06

Is he completely unaware of your finances then GtG? As being stuck in rich bachelor mode seems to be very divergent from your view that money is tight.

Original poster
GordonTheGopher · 02/09/2008 20:12

He doesn't have a clue - I keep trying to tell him that things are tight but he's not taking it in.

He has no idea what's in our bank account!

Fortunately he rarely buys anything!

OP posts:
AbbeyA · 02/09/2008 20:23

He probably did it because he knew that you would object. If you didn't want to make the big gesture, you needed to get in early with something special that didn't cost money or by inviting them round for a meal. If nothing was done I'm not surprised that he wanted to give them a luxury. I would rather have a lovely bouquet than something practical.

cat64 · 02/09/2008 20:59

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pamelat · 02/09/2008 21:03

Look at it as a £1 a year

Its done now. I would be upset (as money tight) but not enough to make a thing of it.

He could only probably think of flowers. Would have been nice to buy something that they could keep.

ahfeckit · 02/09/2008 21:16

wow, £50!! that's a LOT of dosh to be spending, 50 years marriage or otherwise on someone's anniversary! esp when money is tight. YANBU!!!

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/09/2008 21:40

Gordonthegopher, you haven't told us
a) what you had been planning to get to mark their anniversary cos at the moment I am thinking 'nothing'
b) why you could not go to the meal, which would have cost a lot more than £50 unless you expected the ils to pay?

I organised my parents 50th 2 years ago. We had just had ds2, money was far to tight to mention. Only one of my sisters lives close enough to celebrate with us so the others (california and Melbourne) sent money. We all contributed the same which was £100 each for meal, cake, and a weekend away for them. If dp had moaned about me spending £100 on my wonderful parents to mark 50 years of marriage I would have told him where to go.

Its not just the 'suffering' aspect of the 50 years that is worth marking - to have 50 years of marriage you have to still be alive!

Flibbertyjibbet · 02/09/2008 21:40

Gordonthegopher, you haven't told us
a) what you had been planning to get to mark their anniversary cos at the moment I am thinking 'nothing'
b) why you could not go to the meal, which would have cost a lot more than £50 unless you expected the ils to pay?

I organised my parents 50th 2 years ago. We had just had ds2, money was far to tight to mention. Only one of my sisters lives close enough to celebrate with us so the others (california and Melbourne) sent money. We all contributed the same which was £100 each for meal, cake, and a weekend away for them. If dp had moaned about me spending £100 on my wonderful parents to mark 50 years of marriage I would have told him where to go.

Its not just the 'suffering' aspect of the 50 years that is worth marking - to have 50 years of marriage you have to still be alive!

AbbeyA · 02/09/2008 21:59

I agree with Flibbertyjibbet, I would have expected you as a couple to be thinking about what you could do and contacting siblings, if he has any, several months before-if not longer.
It sounds to me as if you had nothing planned and he was rather embarrassed, so got a large bouquet to make up for the lack of effort or interest.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 02/09/2008 22:08

I'd not object to DH spending money on his parents. I dont feel I'd need his permission either. They are his parents. 50th is a biggie.

TheHedgeWitch · 02/09/2008 22:55

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TheHedgeWitch · 02/09/2008 22:55

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