to think it's pathetic, the way people make out you can't love your child inlaws as much as your own children

[tigergirl]

just been reading a thread where they are saying that you love or worry about your own dc's more than your dil/sil.
surely it depends on your relationship with them.
what is it with some folk trying to win mother of the year award or something.

I'm very confused. Not sure what point you are trying to make?

My children are very young so have no experience of it. However, if I think of how I feel about my mil, the answer is not a lot. She is a perfectly pleasant woman and if anything happened to her, I would be upset but not devastated. She simply has no connection to me - we see her about once a year and talk to her about once a month (dh's choice). By contrast if anything happened to my children, it would be a struggle to get up in the morning. I don't think I could ever feel the same about anyone else - even dh (whom I do love a great deal).

It's natural to love your own child the most.
Thats whay we naturally (mostly) choose to live in Mother/Father + Child family units...not multi-family communes with mothers loking after all children equally.

It's great that you love your DIL...but don't make everyone else out t be weird for loving someone they gave birth to and have known all their lives more than someone who happened to marry their child.

well when my dil was having her baby and i was worried about her, someone at work said to me, i don't know what your so worried about it's not like it's your daughter thats having the baby.

don't you think that is outrageous.

Not outrageous, but a bit dumb.
It's your gc whoever has the baby.

I think it was rude of your colleague to say that, of course it is nice to love your DIL and it is natural to care about her when she is pregant....but seriously...you couldn't choose between your children and children-in-law?

There is no more depth of feeling there for the children you carried, birthed, weaned, brought up???

Well in that case tigergirl I agree with you. Of course you would be just as concerned.

tigergirl, regarding the comment from your work colleague, yes that is outrageous. However, riddle me this. If your daughter and your DIL both gave birth on the same day and at the same time (yes, I'm stretching it here!), who would you go to see first? DIL or DD? Who would you offer most support to?

perfectly natural to worry about a pregnant DIL - I have worried about pregnant friends before now. Doesn't mean they rank as highly as DS on the scales.

My worries for DS are often urrational and silly but worries about other people tend to be more normal and anchored in some knd of reality. Not sure why I feel that is relevant but someohow I feel it is!

i love them both the same.

tigergirl - the concern that you might quite rightly have had for your DIL when she was about to give birth cannot be compared to maternal love, surely? They are quite different feelings.

(PS Anna - hold onto your chair - I agree with you)

Tigergirl.....why do you love them the same?

What if she left your son? Would that sameequal love remain...if she did the dirty on him and and an affair then took him to the cleaners....? Moved across the other side of the world with your grancdchildren....you'd love her te same as your own child would you???

I doubt it.

This is a fascinating thread, I should be tidying up the flat but I can't tear myself away from MN!

Anyway, just wanted to add my thoughts to it all :
Perhaps in tigergirl's case it is the particular person who is her dil, rather than her position as dil, if you see what I mean - I could (maybe) believe that it is (just) possible to come across someone that you do indeed have "maternal" feelings for.

But if it's more a case of "you're my dil and so therefore I love you as much as I love my dd" - I also totally have to agree with Anna8888 and say your poor dd.

And this is all ignoring the whole concept of being somehow able to quantify love (very King Lear, don't you think? ).

I think my mil loves her other dil as much as her own daughter, they are very very close. I can say with great certainity that she does not feel the same about me though!

Good heavens, tigergirl, get over it!

If my mum turned around and told my DH that she loved him just as much as me I'd be really annoyed and feel hard done by.

I adore my MIL, she is a great person, and I know she loves me. But does she love me as much as DH? Not bloody likely.

I have to be honest though, that at times I don't always LIKE my mother, because she has the ability to drive me batty in a way that no other person does. But loving someone and liking them are not always the same thing.

Face it, the consensus seems to be that mothers love their DCs more than their DC-ILs. You may not agree with us, but that's your problem.

What Anna says about mother's being close to daughter's, can be really true. My MIL is very close to my DH, but not a day goes by when she doesn't talk to two of her DDs. It is often 'easier' to share things with another woman. For heaven's sakes, what else is Mumsnet all about if not that????? And yes, if you love your own children more than your in-laws, then to go through the whole birth process with a daughter would be incredible.

I'd rather be in the company of my MIL to my mother any day.

The only time I am confident to have a break is when my MIL is around. She's the only relative I really trust my children with.

I was going to post but Ghosty said what I wanted to earlier on - By ghosty on Mon 01-Sep-08 10:06:48

I think its completely different. I wouldnt even want it to be the same (I can see how maybe someone without their parents might?)

My parents get on really well with my DH but its always going to be me and my brother that they love. It would be really weird if they thought about him on the same level as us, surely?

Am I missing something?

Also, I expect that when my SIL has a baby (if she has one) then my MIL will see more of that baby than she does our DD. MIL sees our DD about once a week but when if it were ever a choice in my own time between visiting MIL or my mum, naturally I would go to see mine.

Shes my family. I don't really consider "in law" relationships family?

Don't they say that daughters stay in a family whilst sons go away and forge new ones?

Some old myth, but with a little bit of truth.

I think we only see my PIL's so much because I make the effort. My DH doesnt really make a lot of effort, although more so since DD has been born as we know they want to see her.

I dont think that my PIL's love me! If I was ever nasty to DH they would hate me.

Imagine the scenario whether your DIL cheated on your DS, what would you think then?

Actually there is a poster on Mumsnet whose parents love her ex more than they love her. I think that's absolutely wicked. It is hugely painful for her. The sense of betrayal is enormous.
As other have said, loving your own children more is normal and natural. It doesn't mean you can't care for or feel concern for your children's partners, but it's a different relationship. You aren't their mother and usually they certainly don't need you to be their mother. They have or at least had, their own parents.

My mum admitted to me once that it did feel different when I was pregant and had DD than it did when her DILs had their children. And she really did love the other children etc, but she just felt closer to DD through me.

I agree Heifer, my mum said a similar thing, she was overjoyed when she found out my brothers OH was having a baby, her first grandchild, but she said it was completely different when it was me a few years later, she said she was on tenterhooks the whole time I was pregnant.

rebelmum, how dare you say my poor dd.
im not saying i don't love her.

Tell you what - just love who you want to how you want to and I'll love who I want how I want and whether that's pathetic or not is entirely our business