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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Message to the mother in Starbucks in Derby , if you are a mnetter. Please don't call your child....

231 replies

AvenaLife · 26/08/2008 17:27

stupid or a weirdo. It's really not very nice and it made my son and I really sad to hear this. Also, please do't rush her when she's eating because you have things to do. Telling her to hurry up 7 times in 5 minutes is OTT. Would it have killed you to be patient? It was not as if she was eating slowly though was it? Then you moaned at her for getting chocolate under her fingernails.

Rant over.

OP posts:
donnie · 26/08/2008 19:03

and maximum shame on you for taking your child to starbucks.

purpleduck · 26/08/2008 19:06

MamaG,
I have been in that situation, and I have talked to kids about intention...some people think "stupid" is ok, and I'm sure they don't mean to be hurtful.
Mine are 6 and 8 though, so its a bit easier for them to understand though.

GivePeasAChance · 26/08/2008 19:12

Do none of you 'perfects' NEVER say to your children "stop being so stupid"?

I don't see saying that they are being stupid is the same as you are stupid.

Maybe just me !

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 26/08/2008 19:14

I call my daughter a weirdo sometimes, or an oddball. In the same contex as purpleduck:

"No, you weirdo, dont lick the windows"
and
"Oooh, you oddball, stop doing x/y/z"

I dont call her stupid.

OP - are you one of those label-the-act-not-the-child-types who objects to "naughty"?

Original poster
AvenaLife · 26/08/2008 19:16

I did't have a problem with her getting the little lass to hurry up (banging on the door when she was in the loo was too much though), it did get a tad annoying after the first 4 times though.
It was the "God" You are such a weirdo" and the "You're so stupid" that got my goat I'm afraid to say. The poor child looked as if she was going to burst into tears.

Was the in the shopping centre by the way.

I am shocked at some of your responses. If this mother had smacked her child this wouldn't be acceptable, you'd all be outraged and slagging her off, so why is making her feel like shit by telling her she's stupid or weird OK?

I wasn't being nosey. They were sitting next to us. Judgmental? Probably. I'm not at all ashamed of this though. There are things no child should ever be told, the effects can be the same as the other types of abuse so I don't see what's different. Is it OK to hurt a child on the inside but not hit them? I don't think so. I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be, I'm not always upbeat or even a good role model sometimes but there is a line that no parent should ever cross. What right do we have to make a child that we are supposto love unconditionaly feel worthless?
It's irrelevant how much of a bad day her mum may or may not have been having, she should not have spoken to a little child this way. It's not acceptable.

OP posts:
ElfOnTheTopShelf · 26/08/2008 19:18

(not posting and running, just putting DD to bed, will be back shortly!)

Original poster
AvenaLife · 26/08/2008 19:18

Elf. I agree in telling off the behaviour and not the child if this is what you mean.
She wasn't telling her to stop being stupid, she was telling her she was stupid.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvenaLife · 26/08/2008 19:19

Off to sort ds out. Back later with armour.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 26/08/2008 19:28

Just as an aside (and maybe a tip for the future) Thorntons Cafe in Westfield Derby is sooo much nicer than Starbucks anyway...

mylovelymonster · 26/08/2008 19:28

I agree with AvenaLife and I don't think SIBU.

Backgammon · 26/08/2008 19:28

I think that sounds really sad - I can't see the point of flaming the OP for stating she doesn't like to hear a child being called names, but this is AIBU and that means open season for a public flogging.

AbbeyA · 26/08/2008 19:29

I think it is OK to not like the behaviour and say something like 'doing so and so is really stupid'. It is very different from saying 'stop doing so and so, you are stupid. The example given by Elf was perfectly OK, if said in a jokey way when you are having fun, laughing with your DC and the DC knows that you are joking.
It is unacceptable to verbally attack the character of a DC when you are annoyed with them. In the context of the OP it was upsetting for the DC and people who over heard it.

On a different tack, I felt sorry for a family in a coffee shop today. The weather was poor and the DCs were sulky and obviously not enjoying seeing a historic city. The mother said 'we are on holiday-we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves'.

AbbeyA · 26/08/2008 19:29

I think it is OK to not like the behaviour and say something like 'doing so and so is really stupid'. It is very different from saying 'stop doing so and so, you are stupid. The example given by Elf was perfectly OK, if said in a jokey way when you are having fun, laughing with your DC and the DC knows that you are joking.
It is unacceptable to verbally attack the character of a DC when you are annoyed with them. In the context of the OP it was upsetting for the DC and people who over heard it.

On a different tack, I felt sorry for a family in a coffee shop today. The weather was poor and the DCs were sulky and obviously not enjoying seeing a historic city. The mother said 'we are on holiday-we are supposed to be enjoying ourselves'.

AbbeyA · 26/08/2008 19:30

Sorry-never sure why it posts twice!

Backgammon · 26/08/2008 19:32

When I was 38 weeks pregnant I put a colander in the dishwasher without realising it was full of salad for DH's lunch and he went mad and said "you're so stupid" to me (he never, ever normally speaks to me like that). Normally I would tell him to bugger off but it upset me so much I had to go upstairs and cry - it was partly the hormones but mainly what he said, it was such a nasty thing to say. Saying it to a 6 year old is horrendous.

pamelat · 26/08/2008 19:40

I much prefer "silly" to "stupid"

I overheard a mum (that I know of) saying to her 7 year old ish DD "shut your f mouth" - now thats (judgemental or otherwise) is tantamount to abuse? I didn't say anything as this mum is quite scarey. Social Services are aware of this family, not via me, but just in general.

I think that we are allowed to "judge" a little bit when it comes to kids.

MascaraOHara · 26/08/2008 19:40

I call my daughter a weirdo when we are larking or she does something odd.. also call her a weirdy beardy and tell her to take her weirdy beard off when she's being silly

mylovelymonster · 26/08/2008 19:46

It's all in the context. SB lady just sounds unkind.

TheCrackFox · 26/08/2008 19:51

Pamelat - where I live I have heard children called cunts, fuckers, little shits blah, blah, blah. Used to upset me but I have switched off to it now. It might not be great to call DCs stupid or weird but there are parents calling their children far worse.

Alambil · 26/08/2008 20:03

I tell DS to stop being stupid, I say he's a weirdo, I call him a dimwit and a wally too.... He does the same back to me; it's joking around, having a laugh - usually preceded by a near-strop so we go into "Don't be so silly/daft/stupid - errrr look at your face, you're so weird!" to dissipate the tantrum.

It's a HUGE game to play "You're weird - no, you are, no, you are" etc and on whilst going round Asda pulling strange faces

I also have to keep telling DS to hurry up eating or else he'll take an hour to eat a muffin - he daydreams. All the time.

It doesn't mean I'm a shit mum. It doesn't mean DS is going to have a complex.

mamadiva · 26/08/2008 20:05

I must say I have heard so much worse than this?

Did you hear the entire conversation or just 5 minutes of it and were you with them all day whilst child was perhaps being a terror? If you were fair enough if you weren't then well....

TheFallenMadonna · 26/08/2008 20:12

I say all sorts of things to my children. I threaten to eviscerate them fairly regularly, and call them daft on a daily basis. Of course, they experience this in the context of our full relationship, and not a 5 minute snapshot, so I'm pretty sanguine about it. Passers-by in our lives can think what they like.

JuneBugJen · 26/08/2008 20:16

Its all context. If Avena could see the names were upsetting the little girl enough then it is a bit sad. Yes, there are worse things to be called, my dh and i call each other 'stupid cunt' sometimes and its funny. But if it putting a child down then, not sure about it.
I called dd stupid a week ago in a rage. She just crumpled and I have flaggelated myself about it since because it is a shit thing to call a child.
However, she knows if I call her 'fool' that its a joke.

CissyCharlton · 26/08/2008 20:26

Haven't read all of thread but just want to say that I think judging people's behaviour when in public is good. We all do it for one thing. This concept of 'you've no right to judge me' lets people think they can get away with anything. I say there should be more judging. People may start acting like nice human beings again.

Tutter · 26/08/2008 20:28

they have starbucks in derby??

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