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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Message to the mother in Starbucks in Derby , if you are a mnetter. Please don't call your child....

231 replies

AvenaLife · 26/08/2008 17:27

stupid or a weirdo. It's really not very nice and it made my son and I really sad to hear this. Also, please do't rush her when she's eating because you have things to do. Telling her to hurry up 7 times in 5 minutes is OTT. Would it have killed you to be patient? It was not as if she was eating slowly though was it? Then you moaned at her for getting chocolate under her fingernails.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 27/08/2008 16:03

When does AN abusive comment, become ABUSE ?
I think even I made AN abusive comment.
I am sure I have made atlesast one to my dh.
I am pretty sure I have made one to ds.
Does that constitute ABUSE ?
I like to think not.

Clary · 27/08/2008 17:17

The north? We?re not in the blooming north!!!

ElfOnTheTopShelf · 27/08/2008 17:50

The thing is, you dont know what happened when the mother and child got home. You dont know whether she sat her down, apologised, cooked the child her favourite meal, explained she was wrong to say x/y/z and gave her lots of cuddles and an extra long bedtime story to make up for one comment.

You dont know because you're not there to see. So you see a small snapshot of the big picture.

As for the social services comments - my sister rang social services about my cousin and the way she is being treated (wont go into it) and SS said they were unable to do anything other than visit the family, so I think they'd do very little about a mother rushing a child when eating / moaning about chocolate under the fingernails.

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 17:56

Lol! We even have central heating here. We are East Midlands. The Midlands bit should give it away.

Alot of people seem to not realise that this mother practically crushed her child infront of a load of people. It's abusive IMO because she must have seen how upset her child was when she called her a wierdo, then she continued to call her stupid without any regard to her feelings at all. I don't think this is right. There's a difference between intent. If you tell their child they are weird and they KNOW that it's a joke and you don't mean it then it impacts upon them in a different way then it does if you are using it to belittle them and make them feel like shit infront of a load of people.

All those who are critical should put themselves in this child's shoes. No 6 year old should be bullied (for want of a better word) by their own mother. She did nothing to deserve this except for get chocolate under her fingernails. I couldn't give two hoots what had happened before to tell you the truth, even if the child had been lying on the floor kicking and screaming her mother should have seen the look on her face after her first comment and she should have stopped.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 18:00

I really do hope this mother spoilt her child afterwards Elf. I hope she appologised I sincerely do.

Emotional abuse is very common though, I'm not suggesting for a minute that this mother speaks to this child like this all the time but it is common and alot goes unreported or ignored. To hurt a child on the inside is just as damaging as physical abuse IMO. If you all chat to people on here you can see that.

OP posts:
HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 18:55

elf no-one has suggested that SS would do anything about this - I missed it if someone did!

There are endless threads on here from posters detailing their own experience as children of just such treatment as was meted out to this girl, and showing just what a profound effect their upbringing had on them, etc. No-one would dream of denying this to them. But when it's posted about a child who it's actually happening to, right now, people can't see it for what it is because they say that we don't know what happened before or after. Yes, it DOES make a difference of course if it was one isolated incident, or on-going, but one isolated incident is still abusive to the child.

HonoriaGlossop · 27/08/2008 18:57

And there's such a difference between this as described in the OP, and what people have described as in calling a child stupid for running out in the road or hiding in a public place; that's borne out of love and protection for the child and the child experiences it as such; that is not a parent deliberately belittling and humiliating for the sake of it.

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 19:00

Thanks Honoria.

OP posts:
3andnomore · 27/08/2008 21:17

Hm...going the same line again as I did earlier...but seeing this little girl upset by this "snapshot" event really could mean that she is normally not subjected to this kind of treatment...
because, those Kids that rant back at parent, maybe subjected to this kind of language on a daily basis, but they hear it so often, that it isn't taken as bad...it is just the language used, most likely without the whole emotional bully meaning to it....some people just talk like that....but don't mistreat their children...they will talk to everyone like that...doesn't make it great and right, but takes all the emotional stuff out of the equasion (or mostly, really....still depends on the language, I suppose...)
if the child had sat there looking blankly and detached after hearing this, again, this child will hear it often and with all the emotional power, this child is much more likely to be a victim of abuse, because this child will be withdrawn and unreactive in order to block te incident out....

This does not mean that it wasn't sad or whatever else that happened...but, honestly, an abused and constantly abuse (verbally , emotionally, physical or sexually) would probably not break out in those "normal" reaction tears after being put down....those children tend to learn the skills of survival and secrecy

hope that made sense...

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 21:19

It made perfect sence 3andnomore.

OP posts:
Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 21:20

sense not sence. Doh!

OP posts:
3andnomore · 27/08/2008 21:21

phew....................................................after, yet another, bad day with my own Kids...I couldn't have coped with starting an argument....

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 21:23

I'm not arguing. I just felt sorry for her and needed to offload.

When do your monkeys go back to school? I bet you can't wait!

OP posts:
3andnomore · 27/08/2008 21:26

next week...phew...and about time...and I know you weren't arguing....but I have a fabulous ability to put foot in mouth....and all that....

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 21:40

Are you crossing off the days? ds goes back tomorrow so I can finally try and get a job or think of an action plan. Peace at last!!

Don't worry about putting your foot in your mouth, I've learned alot about people doing this thread though. I'm not sure this site is the right place for me. Or maybe I'll hang around but not post. I'm not sure yet. There appears to be alot of people who are too tilling to jump down someone's throat and rip their guts out. This isn't for me.

OP posts:
3andnomore · 27/08/2008 21:49

aww avena....this site is for you....you , I am pretty sure, replied to me on a movicol thread....
honest it can be harsh at times, and sometimes it can be unecessarily harsh....but tis a good site all in all....
diversity is good!

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 21:53

I've been reading others and am really shocked at what people have been saying to each other. I don't think there's any need for that when people are coming on to here for help and support because they probably don't have anyone else. I know that some people start threads just to get a reaction out of others and this is down to them but I've read so many threads where the op has been turned upon it's depressing.

OP posts:
3andnomore · 27/08/2008 21:57

know what you mean...but whilst mn does really piss me off sometimes.........................I have tried to go back to other sites andd well it just is not that great...but generally I like a challenge, unless I feel fragile, like I did after ys Birth!

but honest, just pick the threads that interest you...there are plenty to chose from

2shoes · 27/08/2008 21:58

AvenaLife don't let it get you down. it's amazing but on mn you can start a thread, with what seems like the most inocent judgement and offffffffffffff it goes.
I did it onece about dc's in trolleys you should have seen it kick of.

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 22:00

I can't believe I've just told someone to call their kittens Ginge and Minge!

Opps!

This is the first parenting site I've joined. I did have a look at netmums but they were all so ...... perfect!

OP posts:
3andnomore · 27/08/2008 22:02

you have been mumsnetted...
was that my kitten you named, lol...

Original poster
AvenaLife · 27/08/2008 22:06

No Way!!!!

I appologised later so I wouldn't get slated.

Maybe she should have pelvic and floor!

OP posts:
2shoes · 27/08/2008 22:09

those are good names, but I wouldn't want to call them in at night

LittleMyDancing · 27/08/2008 22:10

I think the thing with MN is not to take any of it personally. there's some fairly robust opinions on here, and people aren't afraid to share theirs, but it's rarely meant in a nasty way (obviously there's always exceptions).

and they're always forgotten ten seconds later.

if people disagree with you, they'll tell you! but if you need help or support, they'll rally round in an instant.

if you post in AIBU, you'll get a completely different class of response from other topics, as well. In AIBU, all bets are off!

3andnomore · 27/08/2008 22:11

god, and what would I know about being mumsnetted anyway.....lol

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