to ask dp to get a DNA test to see if dd from previous relationship is his??

[wickedstepmom]

She is now in her early 20s & was the result of a holiday fling. DP did not know of her existence until she was 18mths old.

She lives overseas with her mother, dp supports her financially.

The problem is she doesn't look like dp, his family or anyone on her mother's side . Her mother has stolen money from dp & used to blackmail dp by threatening to abandon dd if he did not transfer money to her bank account.

dp now wants her to stay over here & meet our ds, i've said not without DNA test first. he refuses. now having huge arguments about it.

never know, his family might even be relieved that you are making this stand, however controversial.

just read a bit more.

don't think calling op a mad lunatic cow is very helpful . think the dp should wake up & smell the coffee.

WSM - if you can think of a way that your dh can ask his daughter (I'd say dear daughter but clearly she isn't) to undertake a dna test in a way that won't completely wreck their relationship (regardless of the result) then I for one would love to hear it.

As an adult - no need to send her money unless he feels he wants to, no need to send it to her mother at all - dna not relevant to this argument.

YABU

LOL Flash. 'The oldest trick in the book' - now you are really showing your masculine insecurites. So much under the surface...

and you know you shouldn't worry so much about us duplicitous females taking any old standing prock for a ride. The males of the species have their 'oldest trick' too. It's called rape.

Flasher - you seem to have decided that the woman in question has been "ripping of wehiotey" (presumably ripping off whitey) but that really isn't the point. There are always people who will rip others off given the chance (not sure why you have decided it is limited to people who don't live in the Uk and have darker skin - there's been a fair bit of ripping off in the other direction too) and always those who will allow themselves to be ripped off. No-one has tried to defend either the woman's actions or the OP's DH actions so I'm not sure why you feel the need to launch into some kind diatribe of the crimes of nasty foreigners against poor whitey (you're not Alf Garnet are you?)

But OP's Dh decided to accept the child was his without question at the time and has continued to support her for 20 years. If the issue is the money its easily solved wihtout a DNA test - "you are an adult now, I have paid for your education and I will not be regularly giving you money in the future as all adults should learn to support themselves"; if he has an issue with patentity then he needs to find a way to say to his daughter "I have doubts about whther I really am your father and would like a DNA test"

If he doesn't have the balls to say either then you are stuck with it as much as if he had adopted a child. You can't insist and using your son as a bargaining chip will only make things worse.

think its a con. why wait until the dd is 18mths old before telling him? maybe it didn't work out with the babyfather?

DNA tests may not have been available when the dd was born

The honesty or dishonesty of the mother is irrelevant, the girl's step mother cannot demand a DNA test.

but Fio - she doesn't need to lie to her son - depending on how old he is, you tell him an acceptable version of the truth and expand it as he gets older.

I know of people who have adopted chidlrne with very distressing backgrounds - they didn;t lie to the childrne about them they fed them small bits of information appropriate to their age until they could know everything.

It really isn't impossible to be honest with chidlren about even very complex situations if you handle it properly.

Playing devils advocate here - if the dd & mother are using him as a 'cashcow' I don't think it is at all unreasonable to ask for DNA testing. I do think it is unreasonable to drag more people into the situation.

sometimes the truth comes back & slaps you in the face when you least expect it.

Whether the op has doubts is not really relevant. Her dp has, rightly or wrongly , taken on the role of father (financially if not emotionally or practically) and if he chooses to question it that is one thing, although not sure what he would hope to gain now by doing so officially. If he however has chosen to accept her as his daughter at face value then op has no option but to go along with it and explain such to her ds as and when it is relevant. Lots of families are based on half truths anyway.

I think the issue here is not the doing of a DNA test, which may well be impossible in any case as the daughter/not really daughter may refuse even if the dp agrees. The issue is what story (and I mean narrative by this) you and your dp tell your son. However I really don't think this is something to get too concerned about, as this girl is not actually in your lives in any meaningful way. Your son will not think of her as a sister in the normal way, because it sounds as if she will be at the most a very occasional visitor. However I can imagine that as he grows up your son will be most intrigued about her (as children are) so it is how you and your dh describe the relationship that matters. This is when you avoid telling lies, and you can do this regardless of whether you have scientific proof of paternity. It could also be a good salutary lesson for the OP's ds when he is (quite a bit) older.

However whatever happens you really really need to stop with the emotional blackmail.

What's at issue here is that the OP wants her DP's daughter (who has been acknowledged as such throughout her life, barring the first 18 months) to undergo a DNA test before being "allowed" to stay with her biological father. The OP's DP refuses.

I think that the OP knew what she was getting into before she hooked up with him.

I would ask the OP to put herself into a scenario where she is an ex-wife, and imagine that treatment being meted out to her DS.

I knew that dp had a dd when we met. i have tried to make her welcome, i have tried to learn a new language to communicate with her.

his doubts were made clear when we had ds who is the spitting image of him. had a traumatic pregnancy & birth with ds, dp wanted more children & i said i had a 'daughter' (his dd) but if he wanted more how about adoption. he said he was sick of bringing up other peoples kids.

yes, i knew he had a dd but did not know he had doubts about paternity.

I knew that dp had a dd when we met. i have tried to make her welcome, i have tried to learn a new language to communicate with her.

his doubts were made clear when we had ds who is the spitting image of him. had a traumatic pregnancy & birth with ds, dp wanted more children & i said i had a 'daughter' (his dd) but if he wanted more how about adoption. he said he was sick of bringing up other peoples kids.

yes, i knew he had a dd but did not know he had doubts about paternity.

I accept I do not have a right to demand DNA testing. But I need to be honest with ds, especially as his father now expressed his doubts about dd.

I am scared that ds & dd will form a bond & they will get hurt.

Why would they get hurt if they accept one another as siblings and your dp accepts them as his children? The only way I can see that your ds will get hurt is if you stir up trouble. So resist the temptation to do that and watch and wait. Family is about more than blood ties.

A few of you have suggested DNA testing for ds (to even the score). Bearing in mind that I don't screw him over for money & do not view him as a money tree, if it came to the crunch I would have a test.

If you're being honest with ds then you're presumably tell him in the future that he probably has a sister out there that you haven't allowed him to see, against his father's wishes

just because your ds is the spitting image of your dp does not rule out his dd being his daughter. I have three dds who look like their father. I have a neice who is the spit of our side of the family - nowhere on her is anything from her mother's side. Does not make these children belong to someone else.

It seems a little blackmailish to say - no she cannot come and stay until you get a dna test. There is a problem in this besides the whole trust etc issue - she may well refuse to do it.

You are the adult here - I think you are transferring all your issues from your experiences on to this situation. Your son will know as little as you want to tell him. There have been plenty of 'siblings' who have no blood ties but who for whatever reason have been brought up as siblings. Why does it matter whether she is definitely his or not. It seems for almost her entire life she believed that he was her father. What would she get out of this? It could destroy her, it could destroy your dh.

Perhaps be the bigger person here and let it go.

And your dp could have saved the whole situation by using some protection whilst having his holiday fling. Pregnancy aside - not a wise idea.

From what you've said it sounds like you're right to worry that your DS might get hurt. If your DP has come out with comments about "bringing up other people's children" then there's always a risk he might do it again, and in front of DS.

But rather than push for DNA test, surely the better approach would be as Kewcumber said:

"depending on how old he is, you tell him an acceptable version of the truth and expand it as he gets older.

I know of people who have adopted chidlrne with very distressing backgrounds - they didn;t lie to the childrne about them they fed them small bits of information appropriate to their age until they could know everything.

It really isn't impossible to be honest with chidlren about even very complex situations if you handle it properly."

So that way your DS gets to have a relationship with someone who may well be his half-sister, but won't feel he's had the wool pulled over his eyes if your DP makes another nasty comment about his daughter in DS's hearing.

I accept that as I am only a few years older that his dd I do not have a lot of experience in all of this.

I have already said that I do not have any bad feelings towards his dd. I have issues with honesty, truth, deception.

I have not discussed this with dp's family or friends. but when ds was born dps best friend said - i am so pleased that you have a child of your own, it's what you have always wanted. Which I considered strange, coming from a best friend who surely knew he already had a daughter.