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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So so angry- the woman has driven me to a break down................ mil lovers beware!

125 replies

bluebell82 · 24/07/2008 17:12

So lets start to the beginning.. the woman called me practically hourly for the last two weeks of pregnancy asking me if I was in labour yet.. After giving birth she pushed her way into the labour room 'because she knew someone who worked there' I had my fanny out and I was literally covered in blood, I think that is unacceptable.. she brought round a total of 52 visitors round to my house forthe first 2 weeks of my dd life, I made tea and coffee on tap with a nice vaginal laceration- AGONY!
She calls my dd 'my baby' to people. She has more toys than we do for her, she has a highchair , a walker has actually bought a piece of furniture to put all the toys in, a swing, a baby bath - I could go on...
I have done the 'being brutally honest'.. I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder since having my dd, mainly stemming fromme feeling my mil is trying to steal my child.. I am on tablets and have told her this and still the insessent craziness continues..

We go out, she takes a psare nappy, a spare bib, a spare vest etc... I have never slipped up so why why why!!!

My dd is being christened and she asked me what she should get her, I went round the shops with her etc and said the only thing I did want was a bowl and plate thing, don't know why, I know its my dd christening and not mine.. but don't fu*kin as my opinion then... guess what she has bought and when she told me she said...' I know you said not to but I just had to..'
When I stopped breast feeding my dd she said she was glad I had stopped all that 'hippy dippy' stuff and when I feed my dd my own home made food she makes sick faces..

The woman is a cow and she is quite simply making me want to leave everyone who is even remotely connected to her and that includes my dh!

If you are going to support her behaviour please don't post I need some support please even if it's just for today

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebell82 · 24/07/2008 17:14

meant to be didn't want the plate and bowl

OP posts:
smallwhitecat · 24/07/2008 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
bluebell82 · 24/07/2008 17:16

also get this my sil is getting married abroad and she actually said that if my dd can't go (we specifically said we would not take her abroad until she was 5- this is because we are ttc again and last time I was abroad I was pregnant and ended up in a foreign hospital) then the wedding will be cancelled and they would 'have' to have it in Britain... talk about pressure!

OP posts:
Original poster
bluebell82 · 24/07/2008 17:18

yes he does, and he just sits and cries about it..... I am under the doctor at the moment because I just flipped out the other week I have took it and took it for 6 months (dd is 6 months) and I am a very good person who cares for eveyone around me but the woman is destroying my life.. I am being dramatic but honestly I have took it for long enough

OP posts:
moondog · 24/07/2008 17:18

She sounds loving but mad. Your not until 5 rule is a bit mad too though if you don't mind me saying.

cornsilk · 24/07/2008 17:20

What does your dh say? I would just not see her. She sounds like a fruit loop.

cba · 24/07/2008 17:22

why are you not taking your dd away until she is 5. The earlier the better, sounds as though a break would be lovely.

How about a holiday first even here just with you dh and dd to get away from things.

Decide on some ground rules with dh then sit mil down and be brutal.

Dont think anything else will work with her.

Hannah81 · 24/07/2008 17:24

oh poor you - it would drive me up the wall too - what about your DH? has he said anything to her, maybe he could be blunt with her and tell her to stop smothering you. Is he supportive of you?

I don't think anyone in thier right mind would support her behaviour - breastfeeding her was the best start your LO had, and feeding her your own cooked meals is IMO, far more nutritious for her (not to mention cheaper) - i think she is the one who needs to be on tablets, not you.

she needs to but out and leave you alone - maybe you could tell her you need a week alone to do things your way.

my heart goes out to you,
good luck
x

Nagapie · 24/07/2008 17:27

sounds as if your MIL doesn't respect or understand the meaning of the words 'boundary' and 'no!'..

Does she have any other grandchildren??

wb · 24/07/2008 17:27

All the bit around pregnancy and birth - how dare she! Where was your dh whilst all this was happening?

Re: the stuff. Both my mum and MIL are like this, I just see it as loving and don't let it bother me.

I think you should sort out and tackle the totally out of order stuff from the mass buying - if she wants to fill her house w. toys/baby stuff let her (it's not that unusual, honest).

By the way, breast-feeding is the best way to get rid of unwelcome visitors, post-birth. Just say 'I need to feed the baby now' then take baby, go to your bedroom and stay there til they leave. I installed a telly and got dh to bring me sandwiches/cups of tea.

Hannah81 · 24/07/2008 17:27

its your choice whether you take your dd on holiday or not,not hers, if they want to cut their noses off to spite their faces and have the wedding here, then let them do it - they won't by the way, its just a guilt trip she is putting on you to make you change your mind. dont back down stay strong
x

wannaBe · 24/07/2008 17:28

of course you are being unreasonable, the woman is clearly a saint and you are obviously missing this point. .

Seriously though, she sounds a bit overbearing yes. And very controlling. but she does sound well intentioned, and I wonder if this is a mixture of her being very very very proud and overawed with her grandchild (is dd first grandchild per chance?) and you feeling a bit anxious and, dare I say it, pfb about your dd in wanting to have things your way?

Her having toys and swings etc really is harmless. she will use them for any subsequent grandchildren too.

Her threatening to cancel the wedding sounds a bit ott to me, but tbh I think your not abroad before 5 rule sounds a bit ott as well. You really cannot plan your life according to ttc.

I would get your dh to talk to her and ask her to be a bit less overbearing.

But in the grand scheme of things I think her intentions, while a bit bonkers, are well-meant.

Original poster
bluebell82 · 24/07/2008 17:29

i understand about it seems strange that I don't wan to take her abroad but we have holidayed twice in this country since we have had her, I just don't like the heat and part of my panic disorder if fear of flying and being too far from home so I can not say I will be back to my usual self in time for the wedding. It is just opersonal choice but we would always go on holiday but just in Britain, is that wrong of me?

OP posts:
SheSellsSeashellsByTheSeashore · 24/07/2008 17:29

is this her first gc? perhaps she is over excited and will calm down [hopefull]

i think you should try and avoid her if at all possible? she sounds very controlling and its obv very upsetting for you and your dh. could he have a word with her? or sil maybe?

findtheriver · 24/07/2008 17:29

She sounds totally barking and obsessive. You say you have done the 'brutally honest' approach, but clearly it's not working. Stop seeing her. She has no right to force her way into your home. You mention 'when we go out...'Stop going out with her. Just don't agree to any arrangements. Get your partner on board with this. You need to do something drastic to make her realise that she is invading your life in a completely unreasonable way. Maybe then she'll realise that if she wants to have any kind of positive relationship with your family, she needs to back off.

beanieb · 24/07/2008 17:30

Put a complaint in to the hospital about her coming into the delivery room!

Original poster
bluebell82 · 24/07/2008 17:33

my dh has sat her down twice and so have I, but she just carries on to her own tune. I just feel completely powerless, I have tried everything, seeing her more, not seeing her, only seeing her with dh.. nothing works.. it just ends up with my dh snapping at her and I hate that, I feel it is unfair on him

OP posts:
Hannah81 · 24/07/2008 17:33

I dont think its ott not going abroad whilst ttc - if you are scared of foreign hospitals, especially if the first preg was rough. plus the last thing you would want is feeling really sick on a long flight.
x

Onestonetogo · 24/07/2008 17:35

Message withdrawn

Hannah81 · 24/07/2008 17:37

maybe you could show her this thread, you've tried everything else - it may upset her, but she is upsetting you on a daily basis and you cant continue like that.
x

wannaBe · 24/07/2008 17:41

if she won't listen to reason then I would just not talk to her.

Get a phone with caller ID, so you can not answer when she rings, don't answer the door when she comes round, she will get the message eventually. If your dh wants to see her and wants your dd to see her then leave it up to him to be the one to take dd round there.

I don't agree with the sentiment that it's not unfair to put this on dh, he should be standing up to her, and telling her her behavior is unacceptable.

thebecster · 24/07/2008 17:43

Oh I do feel for you. But I think there are some clues in your OP that you haven't really been 'brutal'. You've probably been as brutal as is in your sweet nature. Here's what I mean:-

"he woman called me practically hourly for" - Okay, do you have caller ID? If not, why not? Don't pick up the phone to her, and certainly not while waiting to go into labour. Screen, screen, screen.

she pushed her way into the labour room" - That's just awful. Did you complain to the hospital? And did you say to her that you had complained to the hospital as they should never have allowed her in?

I made tea and coffee on tap with a nice vaginal laceration" You did what? Made them tea? No, you tell them to leave. And you do not, under any circumstances, put the kettle on. If they ask for tea you say "Actually I'd rather you left, so I won't put the kettle on."

"She calls my dd 'my baby' to people - is this in front of you? And do you say "That's funny, I could swear I remember being the one who gave birth!"

You need to be much, much, more brutal. Just as a yardstick, If your talk to her doesn't start with the words "Look you farking witch..." then you're not being brutal enough.

WorzselMummage · 24/07/2008 17:43

I am lost for words really, it sounds like an impossibly hard situation for you, the hospital incident and the visitors alone would be enough to drive me up the wall

I understand how hard it is when mils say 'my baby', my mil did it once or twice and i think the glare was enough to let her know i didnt approve.. your mil must have much thicker skin.. or be much thicker.

Regarding the fact that she has a highchair and stuff at her house, that nice isnt it ? my parents have a cupboard full or toys and all the baby paraphenalia that goes with having 2 young grandchildren.. its nice and practical and thoughtfull.

She isnt trying to steal your baby.

She does sound like a complete pain in the arse though.

NorthernLurker · 24/07/2008 17:45

The thing I really don't like to hear is that she describes your dd as 'my baby' - Not 'our baby' or 'my grandbaby' or 'granny's precious scrumuptious pie' but 'my baby' That would freak me out as well tbh.

jesuswhatnext · 24/07/2008 17:46

sorry sweetie but your dh needs to sort this one! - YOU and your dds happiness needs to be be his most important proirty right now, he HAS to tell his mother to back off, even if it upsets him, it sounds like she is very domineering and needs to be told in languguge she can understand.

on your part, try not to care that she has now got a houseful of baby stuff and spare nappies in her handbag (its cluttering her and and bag, not yours), it is NOT a reflection of your mothering capabilites, she is just a loon

re the wedding invitation, you don't have to go, an invitation it just that, not a bloody command!!

good luck