So so angry- the woman has driven me to a break down................ mil lovers beware!

[bluebell82]

So lets start to the beginning.. the woman called me practically hourly for the last two weeks of pregnancy asking me if I was in labour yet.. After giving birth she pushed her way into the labour room 'because she knew someone who worked there' I had my fanny out and I was literally covered in blood, I think that is unacceptable.. she brought round a total of 52 visitors round to my house forthe first 2 weeks of my dd life, I made tea and coffee on tap with a nice vaginal laceration- AGONY!
She calls my dd 'my baby' to people. She has more toys than we do for her, she has a highchair , a walker has actually bought a piece of furniture to put all the toys in, a swing, a baby bath - I could go on...
I have done the 'being brutally honest'.. I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder since having my dd, mainly stemming fromme feeling my mil is trying to steal my child.. I am on tablets and have told her this and still the insessent craziness continues..

We go out, she takes a psare nappy, a spare bib, a spare vest etc... I have never slipped up so why why why!!!

My dd is being christened and she asked me what she should get her, I went round the shops with her etc and said the only thing I did want was a bowl and plate thing, don't know why, I know its my dd christening and not mine.. but don't fu*kin as my opinion then... guess what she has bought and when she told me she said...' I know you said not to but I just had to..'
When I stopped breast feeding my dd she said she was glad I had stopped all that 'hippy dippy' stuff and when I feed my dd my own home made food she makes sick faces..

The woman is a cow and she is quite simply making me want to leave everyone who is even remotely connected to her and that includes my dh!

If you are going to support her behaviour please don't post I need some support please even if it's just for today

Hey bluebell,

Sorry to hear about our MIL's problems. My DS is 5 months old and I have had issues with MIL as well (not as bad as yours!) so can empathise. She was constantly undermining me as a mother and it was driving me nuts when every time I talked to her, she would ask 'Is DS in his own room in his own cot yet?' She tried to make me wean DS at 3 months etc etc. All sorts, they might seem little but looking back, she was really undermining me and contributed to my confidence as a new mother being so low. To be fair, I think she means well but completely misplaced. Back to your problem...

What I found really help was 3 weeks away from her when I took DS to visit my parents far, far away! While I was there, my mum tried to be interfering and I told her that she should enjoy DS as a grandparent and not a parent and we got on much better after that. However I feel that with regards to MIL, this is something DH should deal with so whenever he is ready...

When I came back from my trip, I felt so much more refreshed and DS was growing well and I felt so much more confident as a mummy. The last straw was when MIL came to see DS and basically said to me she was 'miffed I got DS's hair cut' (it was really hot where we were!) and that DS 'should learn some manners from her cousin Annie' (his cousin 3 weeks earlier who according to my aunt is a perfect baby). From then on, I told DH he will have to deal with all baby queries from his mum and that if she was going to act like an a** then she can forget about me being nice to her etc. So haven't heard a pip from her since and hooray for that, I feel so much better!

Don't forget you are the mummy and you control access to your DD. If she can't be civil, then you don't have to be civil to her. I have every intention of letting my inlaws getting involved with DS but while I am feeling frail, I and DS come number 1. And if you can't deal with her, let DH deal with her. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Ax

She sounds like a real bitch! i feel really angry on your behalf and what she has put you through. If it's got to the point where she is affecting your mental health and your marriage then you have to just cut her out of your life until she learns to behave like a responsible grandmother. Being constantly undermined by her MIL led to my friend getting PND and feeling unable to cope. Obviously she is excited about the baby and does love her but it's not about her and her feelings it's about you and your feelings and she has to learn that and if it means not seeing her then so be it. Just have the strength and courage to tell her where to go and if you can't do it for yourself do it for your baby who needs a happy and healthy mum.

Bluebelle could you move or as angel suggested have a decent break from the woman.
I barely tolerate my MIL and she's not half as bad as yours.
As for DH sitting and crying, I feel sorry for him but bloody hell he needs to stand up to her now before he looses all that is precious to him.
Do your own parents know what she has done to you ? God if somebody put my daughter through that I'd be fighting her corner and having words.

If I was you I would ask my mother around to visit when you knew you e-mil was going to be visiting, and I would get my mother to totally be over the top with my daughter, so your e-mil wouldn't get a look in, get your mother to praise you to the skies, and to critize your dh for not doing more, seeing as you have been ill. I would tell dh that I was going to do this, I would get my mother to be there for as much as possible for a month (only around the times you were expecting your mil) and when my mother wasn't there I just wouldn't answer the door or telephone. If your mother can't do that, I would ask an older (mil age if poss) female friend to help instead

so ...
change the locks,
get a screaning phone,
and keep out of her way.

pmsl at chefswife I love your style lady!

Am horrified at the behaviour of your mil bluebell. Agree toys and baby stuff isn't really a problem (although understand you seeing it as one in the context of everything else).

But with most of the others here - tell her bluntly then follow that up with not answering the phone / the door at times when you haven't invited her. Or if you answer by accident put phone down / say 'sorry it's not convenient to come over now' and shut the door. Get dh to stand up to her. Basically howev er brutal you think you've been it's not enough as it hasn't worked.

Good luck x

I agree with WannaBe's post further down.

I think although your mil sounds bonkers, she isn't malicious. She has overstepped boundaries, and your dh needs to put his foot down. In your situation I would cut all contact with her, but let your dh take your dd to see her.

Everything she does appears to stem from the fact that she loves your dd, although she is completely ott. (my mil decided to bring her new partner to my delivery room when I had ds1 to introduce him to dh )

My mum calls my ds2 (who is 14 weeks) her baby the whole time, and tbh I just let it wash over me. I think you have to let this and the obsessive purchasing go - it isn't harmful really and if she wants to spend her money - fine. But your dh has to stop her visits and inappropriate comments about your parenting etc etc.

About the wedding - perhaps your dh should say that they shouldn't cancel the wedding on your behalf, but you may not go (although is there any reason why he can't take your dd for a few days?).

I think you just have to accept that she will worship your dd and if you can't bear watching this, stay away from her. From my experience with mad mils only your dh can put a stop to inappropriate behavious - I put up with malicious comments for years from mine, which only stopped after the one time dh said something

Do you live near her?

Could you move?

she sounds awful, i really feel for you it must be tainting what are supposed to be such precious times with your DD

I totally agree with becster's post

You sound a lovely person and so does your DH and you just haven't BEEN brutal - as Becster shows there are ways round the issues you have listed here. Of course you're vulnerable at the moment so it's very hard to deal with stuff

But you said if you let your DH get involved he ends up snapping at his mum - well I think that's fine. Don't take ALL the responsibility; the weight of the world is not on your shoulders. He should be helping and supporting you - so what if he snaps at his mum - might do her good!

Totally agree that he should be doing more to sort this. His mum, his problem really

Good luck with it - be strong

thinking on your first post, I wonder if she thinks she has a much much closer relationship with you than YOU think you have? Coming in to the delivery room, having all these toys, etc; it's the kind of thing that is done and enjoyed by many mums and daughters...maybe this is what she wants and feels she's being close to her son's wife by having this approach?

Maybe you need to get your DH to spell out to her that's not the sort of relationship you want or feel comfortable with....

No-one can 'make' someone else have a nervous breakdown. You cannot change your mother in law but you can change how you react to her and how you deal with her. It sounds like a big personality clash, but you also sound very similar.

I can understand why you don't want to go flying abroad just now.
You need to sort yourself out completely and find your "happy/calm place" again before you do anything else.

thank you for everyones comments, I have taken a lot of advice on board. I understand that no one can make me have a nervous breakdown as May2december posted and I am definitely not in anyway similar to my mil I care too much for peoples feelings.
I have taken it for 6 months and I know I have to be strong enough to stand up for myself but when I am feeling so low it is a very hard thing to do. I do tend to over think situations which somethings make mountains out of mole hills but that is just me and I know it is an attribute I am working to change.

It wasn't very nice to receive that post from May2December, I appreciate your opinion but clearly you can tell from my OP that I am at my witts end and yes people cane cause a meltdown when you have taken it for so long.

Thanks to everyone again x

are you having any counselling Bluebell?

Now I am, early days though, I probably seem obessively mad but I just can't deal with it. I used to be a very strong and positive person and I know that close family berevement has affected my fear of loss/death etc but it has all just got too much, I have contemplated just leaving, thinking of ways I can leave where I would go looking at hotels etc.. I know the problem is me at themoment but I think I just needed soe reassurance that the behaviour my mil is displaying isn' the 'norm'

WHERE is your husband in all this?

And why is he not telling her to shove off?

It is NO ONE's BUSINESS that you don't want to take your daughter abroad.

We don't, either. It's a pain in the arse in our view, and you know what, we're the ones who are deciding that, not anyone else. If someone has a problem with that, fuck 'em, tbh.

I don't tell them I think they're bonkers for going abroad with little kids, so why do they care if I don't care to do that with mine?

'if she won't listen to reason then I would just not talk to her. '

I couldn't agree more.

And I think the becster is spot on.

I'd show people the door if they weren't welcome because it was too soon after the birth.

In fact, I wouldn't even open the door.

I'd have a sign on it saying I wasn't answering because the baby and I needed rest and if anyone had a problem with that they could tell it to the police.

If anyone had made sick faces whilst I fed my child, I'd have told them that either they leave the room or I do.

And if I had a husband who allowed my mental health to go into decline because he's too much of a pussy to stand up to his mother, he wouldn't be my husband for long, either.

no it isn't the 'norm' Bluebell, some things are like the toys etc but not the other stuff - although i think you know that already

I think you need to back away from her, have times/days when she can come round, whether you feel it or not keep strong and tell her when you disagree with her, have conviction in your parenting choices, because they are the right ones, and don't let her make a joke of them

you could always ask her to look after your DD once a fortnight on her own for a while so you get some 'me time' that way she sees her GD and you don't have to see her! would that work? or do you not feel comfortable enough to do that?

Her behaviour isn't that of a balanced, interested grandmother. She has a real problem.

I'm sorry but she does not sound well intentioned to me at all Why would she pull faces at the food you make for your child? Next time she does that, turn on her and say loudly, "Do you mind not being so very rude?"

She is definitely competing with your for your child. She cannot compete however. She does not realise that you are your DD's mummy. She is a fool to not embrace her new status as a grandmother, support you and love your daughter with all the enthusiasm she wants within the realms of normality.

Has the issue impacted on your marriage? Is your DH doing anything about it?

I had a very similar experience to yours, bluebell82. YOu have my every sympathy. It's so hard when you're adjusting to becoming a parent - a big shock for anyone - and someone consistently undermines you. My MIL regarded my DS as 'hers' too.

I'm afraid boundaries need to be set and the only way is to grit your teeth and be rude if you have to. I had to and I didn't like it not least because I felt I was dealing with a woman who wasn't mentally stable. But it was the only she got the message.

If you don't, then you are going to find she'll undermine you at every opportunity as your DD grows up. Unless you move far away.

Good luck. And your DH should be doing an awful lot more to support you and shut your mother up.

I hope things work out for you.

All sympathy to you. Have had some mil moments myself tho not anything half so bad thank god.Suggest that you take one piece of advice from previous messages and act on it tonight/tomorrow. One small action might make you feel more in control.Can then follow some others as you feel able. I had some really bad times-feeling down, dwelling on things too much when my babies were between 6-9 months. I realised this after readig diaries. Sometimes felt like walking away like you said and with much less cause. I think I was more vulnerable and less able to act because of hormones. Things are not easy when you have young babies. Dont sink down everyone is here for you.

she sounds like she needs to be on tablets. You poor thing, what does your partner say?

My god what a bitch, have you told her that her behaviour is very worrying, and asked her if she feels jealous?

I still can't get over mil getting into the delivery room. She should not have been allowed in, and in your place I would complain loudly and vociferously to the hospital.

She certainly sounds a nightmare, but you are allowing her to manipulate you. If any one told me that some one's wedding was going to be changed if I didn't do xy or z that they wanted I would tell them to get stuffed and do exactly what I liked. What a 3rd party chooses to do need not influence your decisions re your child in the slightest.

Have you thought of going to some assertiveness classes (it's about how to deal with people like your mil but without telling them to get stuffed). Sounds like your dp needs them too.

You are an adult; you don't have to follow her wishes at all. OK, so she can give whatever presents she likes to dd, but you don't have to use, display or even accept them if you don't want to.

I agree totally with Elasticwoman.

You probably can't change your MIL. You can change how you react to her though. Some help learning to be more assertive is probably a good place to start.

Agree with posters who've said the swing/toys etc are normal (my parents have a full nursery at their house, but it is for all the grandchildren, so that's fine). The bursting into the delivery room and comments on how you choose to raise your child are totally unacceptable. If you can't tell the old bat that then your DH MUST do it - actually, she is his mother, so he should shield you from her.

On the wedding abroad thing, there is no way the wedding will be rearranged just so your daughter can be there. That is ridiculous and I would just ignore that sort of suggestion if I were you.

I ordered Toxic In Laws by Susan Forward from Amazon a few weeks back after hearing about it a lot on MN. It arrived today and I've only read about 20 pages but have already been staggered by the relevance to my own situation, and not generalities but specific examples of behaviour and "trouble spots". I got mine for £1 something plus postage so well worth it.

Distance is the key.

And I'm afraid, DD is your daughter. If your MIL cannot afford you respect then she will have to suffer the consequences of limited contact with her too. How do you know your MIL won't be negative to your DD too - about you, about anything?

Your MIL needs to know she can't get away with this kind of rotten behaviour. She sounds like a cow. Put her in her place. Nobody has the right to diss you.

I wonder is there a MILSnet out there, where all the MILs complain about their DILs

Sorry to hear you are having a crap time Bluebell - I can sympathise, my MIL is driving me nuts. I have told my DH that I am having an in-law free month - and sticking to it.

I can totally understand how this can push you over the edge. Agree with all the other posters - get a break, get call screening (actually, I would switch off phone altogether, less stressful than screening - DH & friends can call your mobile), and keep up the counselling.

And about the wedding - say nothing more about it, until you receive your invite, then you can politely decline if that's what you want to do (although once you feel better & more in control, it might be nice to get away - you could attend the wedding, and stay nearby but not with the rest of the wedding party - anyway, that's for the future, don't feel bullied about the issue now).

Good luck!