So so angry- the woman has driven me to a break down................ mil lovers beware!

[bluebell82]

So lets start to the beginning.. the woman called me practically hourly for the last two weeks of pregnancy asking me if I was in labour yet.. After giving birth she pushed her way into the labour room 'because she knew someone who worked there' I had my fanny out and I was literally covered in blood, I think that is unacceptable.. she brought round a total of 52 visitors round to my house forthe first 2 weeks of my dd life, I made tea and coffee on tap with a nice vaginal laceration- AGONY!
She calls my dd 'my baby' to people. She has more toys than we do for her, she has a highchair , a walker has actually bought a piece of furniture to put all the toys in, a swing, a baby bath - I could go on...
I have done the 'being brutally honest'.. I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder since having my dd, mainly stemming fromme feeling my mil is trying to steal my child.. I am on tablets and have told her this and still the insessent craziness continues..

We go out, she takes a psare nappy, a spare bib, a spare vest etc... I have never slipped up so why why why!!!

My dd is being christened and she asked me what she should get her, I went round the shops with her etc and said the only thing I did want was a bowl and plate thing, don't know why, I know its my dd christening and not mine.. but don't fu*kin as my opinion then... guess what she has bought and when she told me she said...' I know you said not to but I just had to..'
When I stopped breast feeding my dd she said she was glad I had stopped all that 'hippy dippy' stuff and when I feed my dd my own home made food she makes sick faces..

The woman is a cow and she is quite simply making me want to leave everyone who is even remotely connected to her and that includes my dh!

If you are going to support her behaviour please don't post I need some support please even if it's just for today

Be strong bluebell. Your MIL needs to back away and if she can't, you must. Don't feel guilty about dh snapping at her, she's his mum and she probably doesn't even notice he's snapping - better for all if she did. You may just have to say "not your business" very bluntly sometimes. My MIL never understood my polite way of telling her to mind her own, or my polite way of telling her I was not going to do something ridiculous she's got a bee in her bonnet about. I ended up (after a 4-year nightmare) screaming at her for 10 minutes and chucking her out of the flat! (Mind you, I'd been ill for years and was just beginning to get a bit better - that's my excuse.)

This is your child.

I generally stick up for MILs, but in this case YANBU. You must get your DH to talk to her and put up some boundries.

Your MIL gives me the creeps. She takes a spare bib, nappy and vest? Does she think you are the surrogate bearer of her child or something?

She needs some serious help! And steer clear of her until she gets some. She's mad.

YANBU - but is your MIL from Southern Europe? Italy, Greece, Spain, Portugal etc? Many examples of overbearing matriarchs...
Family bonds extend in ways I never realised and many countries have much closer families who live in each others pocket... who therefore have a different perspective but think they can criticise etc.... without leaving any lasting effect.

If I'm off the ballpark and MIL is through and through UK - you have my sympathies...... Get strong and deal with her - She is very definitely unreasonable - if its not convienient for her to visit - just say - could you come tomorrow? Try to regain some control
Don't worry about talk of 'my baby' - its her grandchild - that's all she will mean - and theres loads of love for her grandchild.

But just take one day at a time

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As if overbearing MILS from southern Europe are acceptable. Bet there are loads of DILs\daughters who are equally hacked off over there too.

It's never acceptable to be so horrible to the the wife of your son and the mother of your grandchildren.

hi- feel for you as my mil also attempts to control, wants to be called mummy by my ds etc- my dh is full of good intentions but seems to be a 13yr old when she is about!
i obsess about her a lot, and it makes me cry. just the thought of a visit makes me ill.

its up to you how you react to her and not up to you how she reacts when you put your foot down as you must

we did al sorts to pls my mil when ds was born, and in hindsight it spoilt that time and we can't understand how we let it happen

my top tips
-talk to your sil in private and explain, you can always arrange a hotel not near the family if you and your dh want to go. that wil help break her hold, as why is she the one saying where the wedding is? my mil gets stressed if siblings call each other and discourages it!!!

• get caller id and don;t let her in in. you are busy, so NO. and shut the door

oops dh is here

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Yep, agree with Milk monitor. I would think about moving. If not now then sometime in the near future. If all your family are in the area just think about whether you can drive, mil can drive. If she cant (bonus) and you can all the better for you to move away to somewhere which is difficult to get to by bus and too expensive in a taxi!!
She could start on your daughter. Maybe shes trying to make up for all the things that SHE feels she did wrong as a parent.
Put your foot down, be strong dont let them emotionally blackmail you which is what sil is doing. Be confident. If you are confident then she will see that too, that you mean business!

It is strange how I posted asking for advice when the climax to everything was just around the corner! It is my dd christening tmrw and it has been arranged for over two months.

My dh and agreed to keep it to just immediate family and friends firstly because of cost and secondly my family live over 300 miles away so we didn't want to invite all the extended family (there is 23 people attending. when we told my mil this she said 'we'll see..' which really pissed me off but to be honest I thought nothing of it, today I found out that she has invited the extended family on her side without telling either my dh or myself so basically I would have turned up to the church with a further 20 people than expected. I exploded as you can imagine, firstly we can not afford to feed another 20 people and secondly our reasoning was very clear, there wereno double standards involved- both sets of grandaprents, sisters/brother and our grandaprents along with our mutual friends were invited, people that would be a constant in our daughters lives basically.

I am furious I was immediately sick through the sheer anger I felt.

Your MIL is really not balanced, her behaiour is totally unacceptable. I hope you dh has sorted out the christening episode with her pronto.

TBH, I'd move away from her.

TBH I'd kill her............... who the hell does she think she is, how dare she ?

What was said/done ?

Have these uninvited people been phoned to say it's the monster-in-laws fault and they are not invited?

What a nightmare.
Was anything said to her regarding uninvited guests? What is going to happen?

I hope this doesn't spoil the christening for you. And I hope you can sort this out, she is truly a nightmare.

you have to tell her that it is her responsibility to ring them and uninvite them - i had a similar problem at my wedding with my mil (think i already posted it earlier in the thread) - Its not fair especially if your family aren't going.

Enough of the trying to tell her business - you have to put it to her that she needs to p$$ off and let you live your life the way you want to live it. Maybe just telling her to p$$ off would do the trick, you seem to have tried the rest. Maybe write a letter letting her know how much she has upset you and undermined you bringing up your daughter. I'm sure nobody did this to her when she was bringing up her son, and if they did then she would have been equally p*$$ed off so she would understand. Tell her that she is making your life as a mother a misery and to butt out and leave you all alone, or she will run the risk of pushing you too far and never seeing her GD again.

I really feel for you, we live in another country and my mil still manages to get to me, they came to see us in June for two (long) weeks, we went out for the day mil was pushing DS in the buggy and she would either abandon it to look at something or let go of it, one time on a slope at the top of some steps, fil let go of DS in a swimming pool and was then surprised when he went under the water, everynight they were over with us I had nightmares about my son either being kidnapped, killed or injured, I spoke to them both about this and they both thought I was joking. We were both relieved when they went.

Wow. She invited other people to your DD's christening party? That is amazingly audacious.

I know how you feel. My MIL started to tell people that they weren't invited to my wedding because she felt they shouldn't be there. She denies it now of course.

You must tell her to back off. It's a nightmare otherwise. You'll look back on your DD's first few months or longer with regret and sadness. I remember DS's as a time of being anxious and worried what my MIL was going to do next to try and assert herself in my life.

I really hope things get sorted out. And I wouldn't tell her of any arrangement you make for special events in future until the day before or lie about the venue so she tells everyone she's inviting to go to the wrong place.

But seriously, I know how unhappy you must feel. To take back some control is how you'll start to feel happier. It's not good to be so full of anger like this.

well I freaked as you can imagine, full on standing in the garden so dd couldn't hear but all the neighbours could !!!

The thing is she took it upon herself to tell me a coupleo f weeks ago that my dh aunts had seen the invite at his granma's house and were 'very annoyed indeed'! But then she told me that they said I was forcing religion on my dd and that in this day and age I shouldn't be doing it??- So I was a little upset that they had been moaning behind my back but to be honest couldn't of cared because at the endof the day see them once a year at xmas and if they felt so strongly about the christening bewing the wrong thing to do then they wouldn't want to come.

My dh actually commented that it was good to see me so angry, he hasn't seen any emotion from me really except for crying and general silencefor the past couple of months so he felt like the old fiesty me back. He spoke to his mom but I could hear her arguing him down in the end he lost his temper and made her ring all the extended family and tell they weren't to come- not because they were not welcome but because not one of them had asked my dh or myself whether it would be OK, doubt she would have told them that infact I believe I was painted as a complete pyscho manic depressive, because she actuially called back later to tell me that they understood espcially one of the aunts because she had 'suffered from that mental thing' after her dd was born- cheeky bitch!!!!

Anyway my dh has ignored her calls all day and called her back this evening to say he was glad she made the calls and that she is not to undermine us anymore, at the end of the day if she/or the family had asked the question the answer would have been yes, who am I top say No, if they want to share the special day with my dd then thats up to them but I was put under the impression from the start that they thought the christening was wrong!

The most irritating part of it is that we only found out that they were coming because WE asked how the great grandparents were getting to the church and the response was 'they will be coming with your aunties and uncles!!!!!!!!!' honestly COWBAG!!!!!!

oh my god bluebell. she is right off her rocker. DH and i have been together 18years. when we were about 22 we started talking about getting married and announced to both our parents. well, both mothers began discussing who was going to make my dress, the bridesmaid dresses, (they're both seamstresses), who had to be my bridesmaids, (apparently it had to be the sisters of both him and me then friends), where it was to be held, that we had to have a catholic wedding because DH was catholic and just everything. when both mothers presented me with their invite lists, people who they said needed to come, most of which i didn't even know, (it totaled close to 400 ppl) i flatly said we decided not to get married. my mother was really pissed off. we never spoke of it again. needless to say, we moved across canada to get away from our families (mothers) because neither of us could take the bull shit anymore. after the 'i suck a good cock' comment to my mil, we've had a decent relationship. i haven't spoken to my mother for years and have no intention in the future. DH and i were married on our 14 year anniversary and not only did we not invite any family, we didn't even tell any till months after, almost a passing remark. it was the best damn wedding ever!

hi bluebell
well you are not alone this is a long post but i have same issues or similar

its brilliant that your dh is aware of how you feel and agrees. i made the mistake of not wanting to tell him how i felt, but after a few glasses of wine it all came out! best thing i did.

get the locks changed and when she wants a key say no, its ok, we will manage, but thats a nice offer. and change the subject. repeat as necessary

an immediate member of my family also tried the face pulling and eeergh voice when watching me feed my ds home made puree, which he loved. i said " don;t do that please, its so rude and will put him off eating" she was "only joking" and i said i have asked you a few times now, its not funny and perhaps if you can't stop you should leave. then i concentrated on ds and didn't speak to her. just stick to your guns don;t apologise and don;t waffle! your baby your decision

when i realised that she had no respect for me and didn't care about how she hurt my feelings or my baby, i stopped being polite and to agree with many posters, rather brutal. she had excuses like " only trying to help" and "its a joke" which is usual response from a bully.

re christening, she has a nerve, and is spoiling it. she will make you ill. suggest you cancel it and rearrange with the venue. tell everyone you invited and don;t tell her til the morning of it and tell her why. my mil has had a go at this and i refused to have ds christened. stupid, but as a family, ie me, dh and ds that is it.
or keep the date and also write/phone to all the people she invited- get a list off her and don't tell her why or lie and just briefly say that its a small do, pls don;t be offended etc etc. and that mil really annoyed you by putting you both in this situation, sure they know what she is like!

why does she do it- because she can!

i did find that the following helps:
having a friend to rant to as well as dh
also, devise a plan for all the situations. write it down if it helps.
after the above, when you find yourself thinking of her and getting wound up, force yourself to think of something else. this took me 3 weeks before i could have a day without her spoiling it and not even being there!
go for a long walk alone with your baby every day- that way you get time to think, relax and chat to your lo
make sure she only comes over once a week or twice and when you want for as long as you want. have a routine for you and the baby and tell her that's it- go to ababy group, baby swim, time with you and dh- she fits in round that and is not invited.
also- you have the thing she wants- your baby- so you have the whip hand. not her.

also- i found thinking when i was at work in the city i wouldn't put up with this crap from a co-worker, so why was i letting it happen?

getting stressed about getting stressed will make you ill.

move house is a good solution. or countries

ps- bluebell, right now make plans for christmas!!! esp if you want to make up your own traditions as a NEW FAMILY and cook lunch, be on your own with dh. they can come for a hour between 3-4 perhaps. your are the one with a baby, they can do all the driving and have a disturbed day not in their own home.

don;t fall for emotional blackmail. tough love.

vancouver island is a lovely place to raise children. great air, great schools, great lifestyle. hmmm. just a thought.

I am over 5000 miles away from mine and she is now an EX-MIL . Say now more. Be strong and stay true to yourself. I only wish I'd told her how much she'd screwed up my relationship with my Ex sooner. At least your DH stuck up for you. Mine never did.

Dh and I went to melbourne for our 10th wedding anniversary leaving 3 year old ds at our house with my mum and dad. When we phoned him he actually said "I have to go now - my other mum and dad need to feed me and put me to bed".

Dh and I laughed for ages. It's the only way to deal with it.