So so angry- the woman has driven me to a break down................ mil lovers beware!

[bluebell82]

So lets start to the beginning.. the woman called me practically hourly for the last two weeks of pregnancy asking me if I was in labour yet.. After giving birth she pushed her way into the labour room 'because she knew someone who worked there' I had my fanny out and I was literally covered in blood, I think that is unacceptable.. she brought round a total of 52 visitors round to my house forthe first 2 weeks of my dd life, I made tea and coffee on tap with a nice vaginal laceration- AGONY!
She calls my dd 'my baby' to people. She has more toys than we do for her, she has a highchair , a walker has actually bought a piece of furniture to put all the toys in, a swing, a baby bath - I could go on...
I have done the 'being brutally honest'.. I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder since having my dd, mainly stemming fromme feeling my mil is trying to steal my child.. I am on tablets and have told her this and still the insessent craziness continues..

We go out, she takes a psare nappy, a spare bib, a spare vest etc... I have never slipped up so why why why!!!

My dd is being christened and she asked me what she should get her, I went round the shops with her etc and said the only thing I did want was a bowl and plate thing, don't know why, I know its my dd christening and not mine.. but don't fu*kin as my opinion then... guess what she has bought and when she told me she said...' I know you said not to but I just had to..'
When I stopped breast feeding my dd she said she was glad I had stopped all that 'hippy dippy' stuff and when I feed my dd my own home made food she makes sick faces..

The woman is a cow and she is quite simply making me want to leave everyone who is even remotely connected to her and that includes my dh!

If you are going to support her behaviour please don't post I need some support please even if it's just for today

about the christening. Hope you have a lovely day despite your MIL's antics.

Agree that it is a good idea to plan Christmas now, on your terms. TheBecster is right, you've not been brutal enough up until now. You are lucky to have a supportive DH, so what if he snaps at his Mum, she has clearly behaved badly enough to have earned that!

My mother is the only person in the world I snap at. It is simply because there is no other way to get through to her. She disregards anything said in polite, normal conversation. The first time my DH met her he was really dismayed by MY behaviour towards her and felt guilty when I snapped at her on his behalf. Several years later he agrees that there is no other way to handle her short of cutting her out of our lives entirely.

Like my DH, you can't change your MIL. But you can change how you react to her. Stop letting her wind you up. If she wants to buy tat for your baby, let her and sell anything she gives you on ebay. Screen your calls. If she makes sick faces while you feed your DD, take spongecake's approach as it happens and don't be afraid to ask her to leave and mean it. You have all the power in this relationship because you control access to your DD. Your MIL's appalling behaviour risks her losing the chance to spend time with your DD as she grows up. Once MIL understands that you will not stand for her carry on, she will have more respect for you.

I would make a formal complaint to the hospital regarding your MIL's invasion of the labour room. If you have another baby I would not tell her you have gone into labour until after the baby is born and you don't ever again make tea and coffee for your MIL's guests in the two weeks after giving birth!

The whole toys and loads of stuff for the GC thing is completely normal. Everything else is completely bonkers. I would make a formal complaint to the hospital that she was allowed into the labour ward. That was a complete violation of your dignity and privacy and whoever it was who let her in "because she knew someone who worked there" should know the consequences of their actions.
Inviting all her family to a small Christening party when she knows that you can't afford to invite most of your own relatives blows my mind. Thank goodness your DH is on you side and not tied to the apron strings!

bluebelle, I have had very very similar problems to you - but with my mother.
I also got very depressed about it. At the time when it all happened it was like a fog and I could see no end to it.

Over the years I have put in more and more boundraies and distance. Now that my ds is nearly 6 things are a lot better. The more that you put your foot down and the more you do your own thing and do not let her run things - the easier overt time it gets to be strong.

I look back now and cant beleive i let my mum take over so much and do some of the things that she has done - but when you hae a baby it is a very vulnerable time.

At the end of the day you hold all of the hards. you are in th best position. You have her grandchild and her son and she will realise that she will see you all less if she acts so overbearing.

I had CBT counselling a little while ago and this has helped so much. I can now remove my emotions from situations better.

In situation when your mil makes snide comments - like she did about your homemade food - take it on the chin. Think to yourself it is not you - it is her and she is like a naughty child - so react like a parent! Reaction is what she wants. So just say things like "It is whats best for dd, if you dont watch it this is what you are having for dinner!" Use humour to make her realise that she is not getting to you.

Dont give her your power. Make sure you donot let her take over and keep seeing her to minimum. even if you have to be busy in order not to see her for a bit.

Have a lovely christening today. I am completely shocked by her behaviour (but not surprised). So much good advice on this thread already, there isn't much I can add. How dare she suggest to uninvited guests that you are 'mental' . This is about her apalling behaviour, not you.

We are having our DS Christened at the end of August, and we haven't even told DH's family about it yet - I think I will give about a week's notice, and given it is a bank holiday weekend, I am hoping they will all have made plans to go away .

Screen, screen, screen

And remember, if you allow her to annoy you, you are giving her power. Easy thing to say. I used to have an acquaintance who would do her best to really wind me up. I would visualise her shrinking down to the size of a mouse, and watch her running away, squeaking stupidly. Mad I know, but it helped me

And I like the idea of getting rid of any unwanted gifts - I used to donate unwanted tat to charity shops. At least if you sell / donate you don't have the irritation of looking at the stuff, and someone else will get use of it.

Let us know how today goes.

What an awful woman. She sounds like she has serious mental issues. You and your DH need to tell her that this behaviour must stop and if it does not, then she is not allowed to see your child. My mother and mil both can say things that undermine me and are downright rude and both myself and DH have freaked out at them and told them how rude and hurtful they are.
I still cannot get over that she turned up in the labour ward and brought all those people to your house. Good luck and stay strong - you need to be firm -do not allow her access to your child and you unless she changes her attitude and apologises.

Bluebell, I hope things work out for you, this woman is clearly awful and no one should have to endure her for any length of time.

The comment your husband made "the feisty old you" comment spoke volumes.
I think his attraction to you is based on your previous ability to stand up to his ghastley mother, something he clearly needs and wants to do but needs support to do so.

I understand your mental issues, I went through similar but had a very supportive family. you can get through it but it is tough. Your DH clearly wants to help you and wants his mum curbed.

Devise a plan with DH, like a strategy on how to deal with her.

Firstly tell the relations that if they did not recieve a PERSONAL invite from you, then they are not invited and that goes for any social event you and DH hold at any time.

As for the wedding...you are the mum, if something goes wrong or baby is ill, you, as the mum, get the brunt therefore it is entirely up to you whether to travel with your baby.
I was so ill after DD was born I did not leave the house for weeks and we did not go away until DD was nearly 2 due to my physical problems and apprehension of being away from home.
Now DD is 4 and we have no problems at all.

Good luck to you and DH dealing with his mum and her somewhat control freak behaviour.

If you are feeling particularly Macheavellian you could stir your FIL to rebellion and ge him to file for divorce, that way your MIL would have something else to obsess about.

just written a massive post to update you now can only be bothered to bullet point it!!!

MIL is still buying things in secret to be kept at her house for dd.. wouldn't care if they were duplicates of things she already has but she has bought a ball pool and a sandpit this week! She keeps it a secret as well- dh has told her that it has to stop and that she is more than welcome to buy things for dd but for our house and we will rotate everything so she doesn't get bored and she has still gone and done that!

She is looking after dd (I am really freaking out about it) for the 1st time in 2 weeks while we go to my bf wedding. She knows I cook all my own food and I have even involved her in making my dd a dish- I asked her not to put salt in as dd is only 6 months and she completely di=sregarded me and put salt in anyway!- I have said that I would portion out all the food for her freezer for when we are away and she has gone out and bought jars and biscuits anyway saying that dd might prefer them! FF

I know I have to muster up the strength to do something but the GP has increased my meds because they can see I am supressing my anxiety and fighting the tablets because I don't want to further upset people.. I am the stupid cow in this situation I just wish I could cut her out my life

I am gobsmacked at this post. The woman is a nasty bitch. She is going out of her way to do exactly the opposite to everything you say. Buyng toys excessively, putting salt in food. FGS this is YOUR child, I would not contact her for a while, don't answer the phone. When she asks why, sit her down and explain, as someone suggested before, let her read these posts.

If you get Pregnant again don't tell her till it starts to show and you have no choice, don't tell her when you are going in labour. It will give you immense pleasure knowing you are giving birth and she has no idea. In fact how about you don't tell her until you get home with newborn! Ha Ha.

Why are you letting her look after your daughter when she acts this way and ignores your stated rules and wishes? While there are no consequences for her in carrying on the way she does, she will continue. I think you should tell her clearly that she cannot look after YOUR dd either at her house or your own until she changes her behaviour.

god at this rate having another baby is no option!

unavailable it would cause so many problems- my mindset is that if she looks after this time she won't ever have to do it again. She would kick up such a fuss and it really bothers me that she tells people I am a bit 'mental' at the moment I just don't want to give her more ammo.

I am so weak its pathetic!

I guess it depends on if the problems caused by doing nothing are likely to be more or less than by doing something. Things wont change unless you make a stand because she has everything her own way at the moment. What if you and your dh made a joint stand, so she couldnt just blame you? In the end she has more to loose as I am assuming she loves her son and grandaughter, even if it is in a rather warped and undermining way. Dont believe you are powerless, you are not.

Sympathies all round - my MIL is utterly toxic - unfeeling, controlling, so many of the stories on here are familiar. This is a long post but I think we actually have much in common.

When I had ds1 his twin brother was stillborn - she pushed her way into my hospital room (past the hospital staff telling her she was not permitted to visit as it was partners only) - and sat there for five days in a row, 12 hours a day. I was tired and emotional and had no strength to tell her to p* off.

Finally dh snapped and told her to go and not to come back until she was invited. Several times she had to be asked forcefully to leave by hospital staff who wanted to examine me or ds1. Ds1 was premature and unwell, yet she would pick him up when he was asleep and bounce him round violently on her knee - on one occasion a mw actually came in and said "are you trying to give that baby brain damage?" and took ds1 away from her.

We arranged our baby's funeral and said close family only - and she tried to invite her friends. We asked for no flowers, as we wanted one large arrangement from all of us - and she arranged for a huge wreath. My mum was gutted because she respected our wishes, and it looked like she couldn't be bothered to send flowers. At the end of the funeral she said "good, glad that's over with, nice service, I enjoyed that." Yes what a fun day out.

That was the last straw. DH finally exploded and told her what was what. She told him that it was a good thing I hadn't had both twins survive as "the other one would have been a spastic" (her words) and that it was probably my fault the other baby had died because I was "grotesquely obese". He finally saw how ill she really was.

I will never forgive her for her behaviour, but I have now come to terms with not having a lovely caring MIL and no longer look for her approval. We have a distant relationship now and I do try to stay on reasonable terms - but we control when and where she sees us. I can even laugh now about some of the batty things she does, but only because we see her on our terms.

She hasn't been told about subsequent pregnancies till the last possible point in time, and I tell her only what she needs to know. She can't help herself - I found her once sat on the sofa reading my maternity notes which had been in a drawer upstairs. She is never left alone with my children - DH remembers too many times when she was emotionally and physically spiteful to him as a child.

PLEASE in the interests of your own mental health you must do the same. Be selfish for yourself and your family - it will actually help you all, even your MIL.

(((hugs))) Greenlawn xx So sorry for your loss. My MIL was simelar when we lost DD (s/b) we said only parents to funeral as couldn't face people. She brought several people (distant family). Then she made several tactless comments. When our baby had been found ill at the 20wk scan we told her the baby may not survive and we said we knew it was a DD (we had 2 DD already) she pulled a face and said 'poor daddy,' never mind the fact the baby was severely ill!! We too see MIL but on our terms as she is toxic.

greenlawn and jellybeans I am so so sorry for your loss. you are both such strong ladies to have got through it on it's alone but with your mother in law being demented too I really feel for you both.

I need to draw strength from you two and the thread, there are so many ladies on here telling me that I am not the person in the wrong and it is so apparent that I have to take a stand, I will get the strength to soon I just feel beaten at the moment but I know that is down to me not being 100% at the moment...((((hugs))))

You are not a stupid cow and you are not weak. You are being brave in asking for help and support here and trying to deal with an impossible situation as best you can. You and your little family are the most important thing, don't worry about what she thinks or how it looks, make the changes that are best for you three. Can you not take your little one to wedding - I'm sure your BF will understand or is there someone else who can look after her? You must minimize the contact with this woman, for the sake of your family. Sending you hugs and strength.

bluebell, if i were married to you i would lay down the law with my own mother and make it clear to her that if she didn't change her behaviour she was going to be out of our lives.

you husband needs to take a stand, too, especially as your mental health is fragile now.

bluebell you are not weak, you are being manipulated, and she is playing mind games with you. The womanhas the problem not yo. Don' doubt yourself. i know it's easy to do this when you are under pressure etc..

if i was anywhere near you, i would gladly help out and have your little one for you.

This reminds me of that toxic mil on that thread theother day who ignored the fact that baby had a milk intolerence.

oohhh i am raging on your behalf.

Jellybeans - see, my MIL would've done anything for a daughter or granddaughter - her own boys and our boys are apparently "a huge disappointment"! I'd suggest we swap but both our MILs sound equally toxic.

This is why we need mumsnet - I hate to think of someone else going through the same, but its also good to know it isn't me that has lost my mind.

I agree with expat - your dh really needs to step in here and lay down the law.

As an aside, all us mums of boys need to make sure that when we become MILs we learn from these threads!

Bluebell, I'm so sorry for you. This is so hard. I think your DH needs to continue to be tough with her, as unsurprisingly it's just too much for you at the moment. Hang in there, darling. She's nuts.

oh bluebell you are not weak. you are being loving and caring even to that witch of a mil. you've got great advice here, just continue to lean on your dh and friends for support.

bluebell you are not weak! and the salt thing is awful- she doesn't sound like she is on your side. does she think if she upsets you enough she will have the baby?

is there anyone else who could look after her? take her with you? a friendly neighbour who would stay- maybe even a local childminder might have some ideas or stay at your house for the night. perhaps ask at your local baby group?

if she is making you this ill then think letting her have your dd will make it worse as you might just worry all the time. have similar sit coming up and am very worried myself.

baby stuff at her house i would just ignore really, you don't have to go there, and just get your own on freecycle, ebay or buy it.

you and your dh need to not see her for a bit and tell her you just need some family time. no discussion! good luck and stay strong. make some rules and stick to them. easy to say but once you have done it once, easy to do. practise in front of a mirror maybe? works for me