So so angry- the woman has driven me to a break down................ mil lovers beware!

[bluebell82]

So lets start to the beginning.. the woman called me practically hourly for the last two weeks of pregnancy asking me if I was in labour yet.. After giving birth she pushed her way into the labour room 'because she knew someone who worked there' I had my fanny out and I was literally covered in blood, I think that is unacceptable.. she brought round a total of 52 visitors round to my house forthe first 2 weeks of my dd life, I made tea and coffee on tap with a nice vaginal laceration- AGONY!
She calls my dd 'my baby' to people. She has more toys than we do for her, she has a highchair , a walker has actually bought a piece of furniture to put all the toys in, a swing, a baby bath - I could go on...
I have done the 'being brutally honest'.. I have been diagnosed with a panic disorder since having my dd, mainly stemming fromme feeling my mil is trying to steal my child.. I am on tablets and have told her this and still the insessent craziness continues..

We go out, she takes a psare nappy, a spare bib, a spare vest etc... I have never slipped up so why why why!!!

My dd is being christened and she asked me what she should get her, I went round the shops with her etc and said the only thing I did want was a bowl and plate thing, don't know why, I know its my dd christening and not mine.. but don't fu*kin as my opinion then... guess what she has bought and when she told me she said...' I know you said not to but I just had to..'
When I stopped breast feeding my dd she said she was glad I had stopped all that 'hippy dippy' stuff and when I feed my dd my own home made food she makes sick faces..

The woman is a cow and she is quite simply making me want to leave everyone who is even remotely connected to her and that includes my dh!

If you are going to support her behaviour please don't post I need some support please even if it's just for today

my mum rang me when ds was about two weeks old and said, "how's my baby?" to which I replied "I'm fine thank you very much, and how are you?" she didn't do it again.

My mil had everything at her house. cot which had been dh's, she would buy baby wipes and bath stuff etc, even now she has lots of toys and books at her house and ds is the only grandchild. It's great because it saved me having to lug shedloads of stuff with me when I visited.

If you are seriously considering leaving your DH because of his mother, then you really need him to understand what her behaviour is doing to you. If you did leave him, I truly think you will be giving her what she wants. Her baby (your dh) and her other baby (YOUR baby) to herself when he has access.

Caller display.
A chain on the door at all times.
Tell her no no no no no no no no no no no no.

I am having MIL issues at the moment and my DC is 6 months too. However, I think I would've strangled yours by now!! Although, we make allowances for '1st grandchild behaviour', she is extreme. If she refuses to listen to you or DH, I suggest you either put your feelings in a letter to her or let her see this thread. I would also suggest you and DH have a 2 week break from her as in, tell her not to come round for 2 weeks, explain why and that will give you all some time to de-stress! Grandma may also start re-thinking her monopolising ways if she doesn't see DD for a few weeks due to her behaviour.

As for the wedding....sod 'em. It's their choice what they do.

You sound like you need to start making a few decisions that you are happy with instead of pleasing others. If you don't then she will monopolise your life and everything you do. Good Luck.

I also agree that DH should be standing up to her. Although, mothers and sons , it's taken my DH a long time to do this!

my mil invited her friend to our "close family only " wedding abroad, she even booked for her and her 2 kids without telling us - when i said no, she said well i'm not telling her so they'll have to come! NO WAY!!! i had to phone her and tell her, look no offence, but we dont want you there (we don't even like her) she said her kids were looking forward to it, and i said, well either you re-book for another time or we will. mil was not amused, but no where near as angry as we were. she asked us when we first arranged it, can x come and we said no - booking it without telling us was a total p* take if you ask me.

You have my sympathy, I had to be restrained from physically attacking my MIL at one point. I agree with thebecster start being more brutal.

I do think when we have small babies we lose sight of what they mean to the rest of their extended families though.

I remember when ds was about 8 months old SIL was due to get married in a couple of months and I had said that i had no intentions of taking him to the wedding. (was an hour's drive away, would have involved staying in hotel, we didn't drive so would have been train journey etc plus he was just at the age of pulling up on furniture etc and the thought of having to sit still for meal/speaches wasn't something I envisaged doing. FIL informed me that "of course he will be going, you have no choice about that, because there will be people at that wedding who will be expecting him to be there." I was very but in retrospect I think that it was just a case of the rest of the family wanting ds to be a part of the day (it's just that FIL has the suttlety of a brick). As it turned out ds was ill on the day and my mum looked after him while my dad drove me and dh to the wedding, went back home again and then drove back to pick us up in the evening so we didn't have to stay in the hotel. To this day I am certain my ILs think I lied about ds being ill just so I didn't have to bring him to the wedding.

She is clearly besotted with your child but her behaviour is crossing boundaries and she is being obsessive and interferring.

I'm sure that it feels a lot worse when you're tired and sore and trying to settle into your own form of normality with life now that you have a child.

Can you not speak to your DH and tell your MIL that you actually need for her to give you some breathing space as you get a chance to form your own family and settle into things?

I had to tell my MIL this. She was barking down the phone at the time, but I kept repeating it, over and over, (like to a naughty child) and it finally took hold.

And my DH then about 1 yr later had to say that she needed to realise that not everything revolved around her (and so on).

But while my situation was slightly different and had to be confronted head on, I have to say things have, for the most part improved. There is light at the end of the tunnel, don't despair.

You don't mention a FIL in any of this-is she on her own and v.v.lonely?

nope she is married but poor fil gets shouted down so he is slightly like a mute shall we say!

just cut her out of your life. get DH to take DD round to her house, just you don't get involved if she is making you unwell!!

i don't see my MIL much at all,, last time was May this year (it's great!!). she is the opposite and hardly talks, it's like drawing teeth carrying on a conversation. it's hard work. i find it easier not seeing her atall.
DS gets to see her every week. DH takes him over to see her on his own, I have nothing to do with her as often as I can. Why don't you try that tactic??

I have the same problem with my mother in law. I have thought about the fact that she could be "besotted" with my children, but to be honest I think the only reason she does it is because she is extremely competitive and gets real satisfaction from outdoing other people (especially me and my sister in laws).

My mum on the other hand is a besotted grandparent but knows boundaries and doesn't interfere or put me down like my mother in law does.

I have put up with mil's domineering behaviour for 5 years. There is no point in trying to tell her anything because she goes against what I say, and that makes me angrier. However I now only take the children to see her very occasionally, avoid letting them stay there (even though she has a bedroom for them), and never talk about her to the kids. I have never said why contact is so limited, and she has never asked. But it is my punishment to her, and I think she deserves it. Infact she is lucky that I see her at all.

just out of interest Scottishmummy007, how did you get that scenario worked out? I'm interested to know for future reference!

I know how you feel about being intruded upon in the maternity ward. My MIL took upon herself to read my medical notes which had reference to a previous pregnancy I had terminated many years before. She has never mentioned it but it is one of those "I know she knows..." situations. This is something my own mother does not know about. You have my sympathy bluebell82. I don't know what it is with MIL's but hope I'm not like it when I am one.

I still get feelings about MIl and my kids and dd is nearly 7.

She has more kids stuff than we do and she only has 2 grandchildren (my kids) she refers to them as son and daughter when she thinks I am not listening. I am not allowed to discipline my kids in front of her without it causing a huge row. I tend to sit in the corner wanting to grab my kids and bolt for the front door. The only reason I put up with it is cause FIL has had a complete breakdown and it would really set him back if we didn't take the kids to see them.

DH has told his mum numerous times to tone it down/back off as it is making my panic attacks/ paranoia and depression so much worse. I can see she is making a visible effort but still I am on edge.

Part of it is because unless we have any more kids they won't have any other grandchildren. SIL is quite possessive of them as well which I try to understand as I know she is unable to have children of her own. It does make for a very stressful relationship though.

mrstiddles, i just don't need to see my mil. it's as simple as that. she hardly talks, so what's the point of inviting her over. i can't be bothered with all the niceties and my DH knows how i feel about her. I'd rather that DS goes over with his daddy to see her. and it's a great set up that we're happy with (for the moment). when ds gets older, it won't be quite as straightforward but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

ok. thanks.

There are plenty of us in this position so huge support to you.

I wish the MIL defenders would take note of threads like these- the walking in on you with your private parts exposed, the MIL reading the medical notes...I caught my own MIL red handed reading my personal files on my computer once (have now passworded it all) and another time she "lost her mobile phone" so let herself into our house whilst we were out to ransack search the place including our bedroom drawers. These are just small examples amongst many.

Mine is also extremely competitive with my children, and over indulges them for her own ends IMO just as she does with her single, unemployed adult daughter.

There are good and bad people and there are good and bad MILs. Yours sounds just like mine and my solution, like some of the others here, is to try and shut her out of your life whilst letting your DH and children forge their own relationship. On a practical level, for me this is seeing her once a month at the most, and if she comes down more than this I go out for the day. I avoid all smalltalk unrelating to the children as it gives her less capacity for snidey comments. I've also cancelled all holidays with the ILs, although they do go away with DH and children once a year.

bluebell - so sorry to hear the evil cow silly woman hasn't heard anything you've said

and that it has affected you so badly too

i think you know you need to be harder on her, more brutally honest and so on. but you are not in a strong enough emotional state right now i don't think. (correct me if i'm wrong here).
so, it's down to your dh.

in the meantime/if he won't stand up to her i think the option of him taking dd round to hers for a few hours every few days might help.
though i'm also remembering that part of your panic attacks is worrying that she will take dd so maybe not.
if you could cope with dh doing that, pre-empting her coming to yours, a few times, and coming home again, maybe that would reduce the anxiety???

how long have you been taking meds? maybe they haven't kicked in yet?

i think that some of the other posters are right that some things you mentioned may be ott but not to you, from your tender state
if you can manage to get on tops of some things, maybe other things will lessen the panic?

all best wishes to you & dd (used to be katyt on the jan thread btw).

I heart my MIL but think my FIL is a complete Twat so can relate in part,

FIFTY TWO visitors ... you need to tell her where to go and why wasn't your DP telling them all to fuck off

you need to tell her somehow how you feel as she won't go away

can your DP not see her on his own with DS(the solution we try and use with FIL)

wow bluebell.. that sucks. i would go crazy too.

if it was me, and as my DH says, i can be cold when i've had enough, i would sit her down, look her straight in the eye and say "you are driving me mad. i don't want you to come over anymore unless i ask you too. you can leave now" and just be stern and if she protests or laughs (she may be on happy pills which is why nothing is sinking in) just stay deadpan and keep repeating "you can leave now". after you have adjusted you can ring her and play the apology game, make it like it wasn't her fault, all that, but at least you'll get some reprieve from the woman for a bit.

thank god my inlaws live on the other side of canada

i just remember a funny thing with mil. very insulting things would fly out of that woman's mouth to me and she just thought they were all a-ok and she reserved them all for when he wasn't around either which makes it difficult for them to understand. i started responding back and she would be taken aback and eventually she stopped. once she said to me, in my kitchen with some girlfriends around and after i'd lost 70lbs, "i couldn't understand why "DH" stayed with you when you were all fat and everything". my friends were shocked. i looked at her and straightforwardly said "i suck a good cock". i think that may actually have been the last time anything spewed from her again.

Screen all her calls and dont answer to the door to her for a few weeks. this might cause ructions but you need a break. just enjoy being mum for a bit. let her back in only when you are ready and on your own terms. i have no doubt this will be a really hard thing to do, but surely it will be worth it. If she starts taking liberties again then go back to the first stage. If this doesnt work then you might have to consider telling her to f off perminatly, but its easy for me to say that! I hope you work it out, I really do, good luck xxx.

Wow chefswife, that's brilliant!

Bluebell - you must tell her that you hate it, and tell dh that you'd do anything to get away from her. Does she have the key? Tell her to give it back to you, and only to come to see dd at a specified time. Tell her also that you only want her to call at a particular time, and don't pick up on other occasions. Next time you're pg, tell her a due date that's 3 weeks after the real one, and don't tell her you're in labour until the baby's born and you are ready to deal with seeing her.