Lying husband

[ratcatchernot]

My husband (of over ten years) and I share our finances. We have equal amount of spends for personal use. I’ve now found out he has been receiving an additional allowance from another role which he has hidden from me. Alongside that he’s been lying about his whereabouts to cover these earnings. It isn’t a great deal of money but it’s the deceit that concerns me. AIBU to think this means the trust has completely gone and I should walk away.?

How much are we talking?

It’s bad but what sort of sums are we talking? Enough for an unauthorised curry, or enough for a new Jag?

What do you mean by “another role”? Do you mean he’s got a second job without telling you? Or taken on a bit of freelance?

In the former case I would find that very odd, would damage trust. In the latter, I would be much more sanguine.

Has he lied to uou about other things? Why has he said he lied?

Ideally I think couples should be honest and open. But sadly, over the last few decades, we've seen lots about "escape funds"; usually it's women urging women to hide/have a certain amount of money if they're a SAHM, but obviously the gender is irrelevant as the same could apply to dads-it's more an idea that marriage can't be relied upon to last. I do think it's sad, but so many people say they're not bothered if their marriage lasts/get pre-nups/have get out clauses, that in a way you can't blame him.
Maybe the way forward is to talk, and tell him you see marriage as a permanent thing, and so money shouldn't be hidden from each other, but obviously only if that's what you think.

I don't think couples are accountable for every whereabout or dime spent - but when it is consistent and feels like it's been hidden it's time for a conversation. How has he taken the news that you know about this ?

He’s not that civil servant who has nine jobs and got done for fraud is he?!

Does he know you know? How did you find out?

I’d stop pooling money. Have your own account for salary, pay into a joint account for bills and then keep the rest.

He was just embarrassed and said it was extra work so felt he should keep it. It was earnings so should have gone into the joint account with all other joint earnings but he chose to pay it direct to himself.

Not a lot in the scheme of things approx £2000 a year but I pay everything of mine in.

It’s in addition to his main role so I suppose you could say more like the freelancing.

😂

Not a lot in the scheme of things approx £2000 a year but I pay everything of mine in.

Are you both paying equally into the joint account?

Ha ha maybe. He’s only two that I know of but …. 😂

You keep saying it's not a lot of money, but it's odd he has been so deceitful if this is the case

So he does a small amount of freelancing on the side for £100-150 a month? I don’t think this is really a groundbreaking marriage failure.
I would often make 100 quid on Vinted, I don’t withdraw it to put half in the joint account, I just spend it.

£160 a month isn’t really enough to make much of a difference however why did he feel the need to lie

This. If he puts in 10k a month and you put in 1k I can maybe see why he thought he could have a little more to himself in a way. How are finances generally? Debt levels?

We have paid different amounts at different periods. At the moment his contributions will exceed mine but that’s not always been the case. Also I own the house we live in and he’s never paid into a mortgage rent etc as mine before we married

Enough for a good few curries and a bike each year 😂

About £35 a week? I wouldn't expect my husband to tell me about that nor would I feel the need to tell him Id got that sort of amount extra if I was selling some bits on Vinted or ebay or whatever.

ETA lying about where he was to earn the money would be far more of the issue to me

I think keeping the money from your side hustle, providing the family’s needs are taken care of, isn’t so bad tbh.

If you didn’t work or were on a low wage it might be different bur it sounds like you are relatively equal.

I think if its a one off and he’s done the work its fair foe him to keep it.

I suppose I know about his main job and the salary so he couldn’t lie about that whereas this is additional and I wasn’t aware he was receiving it.

If its 2k a year after tax an NI he's been pocketing between £120 and £100 a month, depending on which tax band he's in.

If you put everything in the pot and split your fun money equally then its not really fair.

I would be upset about it. If you are thinking of separating because of it I expect there are other issues in the relationship.

Also, if you are married even if he's never paid into the house wouldnt it still could as marital assets after 10 years?