AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

I have very, very strong feelings about parents who up sticks and move away from the place that their children grew up in before their children are fully launched as young adults. My feelings stem from having way too many example around me of young adults who needed stability from their parents until their jobs/housing/relationship status was reasonably settled. Your job OP is to wait for your son to be a bit older.

Btw to all the posters saying “my child will always have a home with me” op has offered her son the opportunity to move with her and he has declined because he is settled with a job and friends where he is. It’s not like op has said he could never live with her ever again. She has said that for a while, until she returns to look after her elderly parents, her home will be a boat, that’s all.

so what is your plan then op

where are you going, where are you going to work / pay for this trip

by all means do this - but you need to have an actual plan

packing up and moving away seems extreme in the first instance - couldnt you just go travelling for a bit and keep your house? or rent it out or something

I'm not sure about this one. My DH's parents moved quite a distance away when he was about 21. He was away at uni at the time and very independent, but it affected him quite badly as he felt they were waiting for him to be gone so they could rush to build a new life without him. It felt like a rejection in a way. He made no fuss whatsoever about it, but felt (I think, legitimately) that they couldn't expect him to make huge efforts to visit them, given that they were the ones who'd changed the situation. He didn't cut them off or anything but I suppose he matched their energy in that he let them live their separate life and got busy building his own. I know now, 20+ years later, when they're older and in more need of help they feel he's quite distant but what do they expect? They left him when he was just getting established and that forced him to get on with things on his own, which he did without complaint. They can't force closeness at a later stage after that.

I don't think you're wrong to want this, but beware of making your son feel like he was the barrier to the life you really wanted. You're doing the right thing by pushing him to establish himself - that would be necessary no matter what was happening - but be careful that you don't make him feel pushed out. He's an adult but he's still your child and he lost his dad not very long ago. I think your dream is realistic and can happen but you have to watch out for rushing it and damaging your relationship with your son in the process.

OP I can only say what happened to me.
I cared for both my parents and it was horrendous. I have a form of PTSD from it. I had to give up my career and my large salary ( I've never really recovered).
However in the lateryears my then 15 year old son really helped me with his granddad. He even chose his university so he could commute and help. His grandfather died shortly after he made that choice.
He left home at 21 and did a flat share and then a house share in London. He had a great time with the house share. His co renters were friends from school all with good jobs. He moved back at 24 to save for a house deposit. He didn't pay rent. He left at 26 having bought a house. It was the right time for him to go. Conversely our daughter is SEN, 23 and wouldn't be able to manage on her own due to health issues. We are worried for her.
I never got to do everything I wanted to do. I had my children late and my siblings didn't help care for parents. I also paid all their housing and care costs. I am not going to have the retirement I thought.
If your house is paid off could you not buy two flats with the proceeds? Or better still two small houses? One to lock up and leave in your preferred location and something smaller local to you now? Watch the service charges!
Fwiw I've spent the last two years fighting a serious illness. I'm still here but it does focus the mind. We're downsizing and making a forward plan. I want to travel before I can't.
Time goes quickly.

Op hasn’t specified - maybe she will inherit from her parents - but I am sure if she is capable of sailing solo around Europe then she is capable of planning sensibly for the future.

Yes, get the house on the market……when he sees the for sale sign he will know you mean business!

He really does. Most rentals now will ask for either a guarantor or six months rent up front.

To be fair, if your house isn’t yet on the market there isn’t any urgency. It would be daft for him to start looking for a room yet.

Tell him when you are putting property on market and increase his board.

As someone, who lost my dad at the same age, yabvu. Losing a parent puts a massive twist on things. And needs to be treated very differently from if you were both still here. Your ds needs stability and to know that he has a home to go to. And not one miles away from the connection and associations he has from his life from before his dad died. He may still feel the connection to the home he grew up in. Yes, he’s an adult, but he’s a young adult. I have one of those, well, she’s a couple of years younger. And I couldn’t imagine doing this to her under these circumstances.

You have decided to be beholden to your parents at your ds’s expense. This is a choice that I would not make.

He is settled. He doesn’t want to move with OP because he has his job and his friends where he is. The only thing that’s missing is his own place. At the age of twenty he has £1500 a month spare and hasn’t saved a penny of it, and is acting as though none of this is going to happen. How is age going to solve that ?

You are confusing the difference between a house and a home.
OP's DS currently lives in a home. He has his mum, his friends, his job and a settled lifestyle.

If she moves a long way away, he will simply have "the place my mum lives".

People really need to read OP's update. This is a plan for 2028.

How is OP beholden to her parents, beyond wanting to have a life of her own before potential caring duties kick in ? It’s four years since his father died, he’s in a settled job and has friends where they live. He doesn’t want to move with OP - he can’t have it both ways.

We're not necessarily here for a long time so make sure its a damn good time!

Good luck and have the best time!!!

Nonsense. There is an expectation that at some point your children stand on their own two feet. When a 20 year old is earning 2k a month (the same amount as his mother) it’s fair to say she’s been a very successful parent. At what point does she get her own life back? When he’s earning £2.5k? £3k? When he’s 25? Or 35? He can afford to rent somewhere on that money. Not might not be the lovely family home he lives in, but taking that next step into the world is what young adults need and sometimes they need a push to do it. Imagine the responses if OP had a 20 year old who wanted to leave but she was doing everything she could to stop it?

YANBU at all. Go for it!
Those saying the son is 'only just an adult' etc, he's 20! Many people leave home at 16. I left at 18.
I'd only say, if this is possible, could you keep the house and have him continue to live there, and you/he rent out the other bedrooms? I know someone who does this in a house owned by a parent, and it works well.

Many people don't leave home at 16 nowadays

With child benefit ? Universal credit / tax credits top up. Housing / council tax support if you were renting on a low income . Maybe some child support too?

Not comparable to a young single man supporting himself financially

My point was, he's well past the age where people reasonably can, and holds down a full-time job, so is presumably capable and responsible.

Possibly.

"RYA Yachtmaster Ocean Online | RYA Yachtmaster Ocean | Sailtrain" https://sailtrain.org.uk/product/rya-yachtmaster-ocean-online/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=86171899&gbraid=0AAAAADw7ji2jtfiRnjJeie2QNES0f6UgN&gclid=Cj0KCQiA-8XXBhDaARIsADnEOrCdLHcX-uIP8zWw-zLQ0ePJw69j6PXPBYGv4FcbAq0lx-bgXcHK7ooaAtiqEALw_wcB

This course is needed.

Having done decades of sailing as a family around the UK with other experienced crew it's been fun.

DH took it a step further sans wife and children doing the round the world race. But again with other experienced crew in a blue water yacht owned by a millionaire.

I know @YourUmberOP is only going to putter around Europe, but I wouldn't advise it solo until she's actually done some studying rather than dreaming.

What have I just read? That your dh, presumably now in his in his forties, thinks he doesn’t owe his parents a huge amount of attention now they are older because they moved house while he was at university?

My goodness. 🤔

Did he not go and stay with them during the holidays? University terms are quite short and the holidays are long?

Has your husband actually asked his parents recently what their intentions were when they moved, or is he depending entirely on his own teenage interpretation of events and feelings of rejection to reach the conclusion he has?

Are adults allowed no autonomy or independence of thought or action once they become parents; does everything they do have to depend on their adult child’s approval?

Fwiw, my parents moved house just before I was at university because they wanted to live in the countryside and run a B&B once retired. Prior to that they had lived all over as my dad had served in the forces. They didn’t consult me and I didn’t expect them to, and it never crossed my mind that they should. They had an opportunity come up and they took it. It wasn’t the most convenient timing because I lived with a fellow army brat and their family during my last year of A levels. But I travelled to see my parents frequently and stayed with them during the holidays, got to know and love their new location, helped out with the work and painting and repairs at Christmas and Easter and during winter half terms, and I was really happy for them that they were happy; it didn’t affect our relationship in the slightest.

Edited: I see your dh wasn’t even a teenage but older when his parents moved?

Personally, if it was my DS, who is the same age as yours, I think he would be too young to be abandoned, and I would worry where that might lead him.