AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

Simply, do it! You only have one life

I don’t think you are being totally unreasonable but it’s a bit odd you write it all like ‘I’ve done so much for everyone else’ when actually, you did choose your life and to have children… you’ve not been put in this situation, your son doesn’t owe you this. And he’s very young in a very expensive world, so it’s a bit shit you are so desperate to be done with parenting/having him around. You may regret pushing him out in years to come when your dream is done.

You are being perfectly reasonable. I think in your situation I would up his board, to save for him as he isnt doing it himself.

Give him a deadline, and offer to help find him a flat. He wants to stay, you don't. Theres no need to put your life on hold for an adult.

I have two young adult children, and agree you need to live your life.

You’ve written that so well that I’d actually tell him exactly that and even send those words to him. You’re not abandoning him but I wonder if he could rent where you live now? Then you’ve got somewhere as a base and it gives him continuity. 20 these days is still emotionally quite young..

He can afford to move out right now, he just doesn’t want to.

he doesn’t need savings to get a rented place.

just move ahead.

Being widowed certainly gives you a completely different outlook on life. You become a different person, with very different needs and wants to your life going forward.

Do it.

You know only too well that you don’t get second chances at life and as you correctly point out having elderly parents to care for curtails an awful lot of what you can achieve. (Sorry, but I’ve done the caring bit and currently am doing the widow bit)

fwiw, I retired early to do the things I want to do. It might turn out to be huge financial mistake… but at least I’ve tried to do things both Steve and I wanted to do whilst I can. What’s the alternative? Continue to work to make someone else richer and then die or sit and look at four walls for the rest of our lives. Tomorrow isn’t promised.

Can you get a smaller property with a room for him? If he wishes to relocate then he can. He can keep his eye on the property. He earns a good wage for a 21 year old. He could flat share?

In principle there is nothing whatsoever in what you want to do and you are right to put your needs first.

What is your plan though, will you be selling up to go travelling and then buying another house when you get back?
What about work & income, will you have a sabbatical or look for something new when you return?

This.

I wasn’t expecting to read that your son is only 20.

At 21, he's only just an adult. I was expecting your OP to say that he was in his 30s. I would make it clear that by 25, you expect him to have moved out but at this moment in time, I'd say the fact that he hasn't moved out means that he still needs your guidance.

My eldest moved out at 18, middle one 19 but then came back again for a few years, and my youngest was 25. I was devastated when she flew the nest.

Were you very young when you had him? Have you only had 1 child? I’m wondering as you write as though you’ve always had lots of responsibilities but the only info you’ve given is that you’ve raised one child that you presumably chose to have. That doesn’t sound like a life of no freedom to do as you wish.

However, I totally get what you’re saying about us only having certain windows in life to do things (when one has the health and strength and no responsibilities) and losing your husband will have made this very clear to you. Maybe look outside the box for solutions that give your (still young) son security but allow you to make some money for your dream. Would there be the option to keep the family home, pack up as much as you can to put into storage and let your son take in lodgers, for example?

Yabu if you think the rental market is easy right now. That said he could move into a HMO which is slightly easier than renting an actual place.

You give him the choice then you aren’t effectively throwing him out.

You need to do it now as there is time pressure with your parents. He is free to come with you or he can stay and make his own arrangements. You probably need to tell him about your money saved as that may influence his choice or make it a little easier mentally on him.

I think yabu if you don’t give him the choice or find accommodation that isn’t big enough for him too - unless it’s his decision not to come.

Can you actually sail? I sail but living aboard year round in Europe would be a nope for me. As would solo sailing. I'm not saying don't do it but what's stopping you from travelling and sailing now?

Set a deadline and mean it, or nothing will happen. Put your house on the market.

Plenty of people manage to live independently at his age, he is working and earning.

You could start putting your plans into action, getting the house ready to sell, looking at relocating your work etc. so he knows there’s pressure to get his own place. He is still quite young so you may want to consider making sure your new home has a room for him in case things don’t work out. You know your child best and how well he might be able to manage on his own. My DB, at age 45, is still living with my DM and has no intention of ever moving out. I really don’t want that happening to me with my own children!

I think 20 is a bit young to ask him to leave. I have a nearly 20 year old and a 22 year old. He will mature a lot in the next couple of years. I'd be looking to give him a reasonably long deadline to find something, like 18 months - 2 years. And up his rent to save more for him.

Perfectly reasonable to ask him to start making plans and give him a deadline. I hear what people say that at 20 he may not be ready but nobody ever got ready by continuing to live as if they are teenagers under parental supervision. We only get ready by doing scary things. I am saying it as someone who went through a similar situation at the age of 21 when my mum wanted to sell her flat. It was fine. I am glad she did it. First six months were a bit wobbly but it gave me a great opportunity to move into adulthood while still having emotional support from my parent and for my mum to get on with her plans.

You haven't mentioned what your housing situation is like and, I suppose, it doesn't really matter. Whether there is a completion date or expiry date to your rental contract, he will have to make provisions for himself to move out on that date.

Has he lived away from home at all (e.g. for university?) or would this be his first time ever moving out?

If he's not done it yet, does he understand about the need for deposits and paying in advance, and therefore know why he needs to save? Does he know how much rent he is likely to need to pay?

I'd sit down and go through the numbers with him. Help him draw up a proper budget - how much he needs, how long it will take to save that amount. Make it concrete, rather than simply 'mum says I should be saving a bit'. Then you can set a timeline that allows him a fair time to prepare.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future

if your house isn’t under offer then there isn’t any urgency for him. Can’t you just say “I’m putting the house on the market tomorrow/after Christmas/next Easter, and when it’s under offer I will help you find a rental place to move to”. I wouldn’t be moving out of a comfortable and cheap home at 20 on the basis that it may exchange and complete in 3 years time. It’s a shit or get off the pot situation.

Why are you secretly saving money? Why not stop charging him rent and let him manage his own savings, maybe with a LISA, or, if he’s particularly useless, tell him you are saving so he at least has an accurate picture of the financial situation he is in.

You shouldn’t need to ‘parent’ a 21 year old. Be there to lend an ear and some words of advice, yes. But not ‘parent’ them.

YANBU - do it! It’ll be doing him a favour too, before he gets entrenched in having everything done for him.

Do you need to sell the house to free up money to finance this, or can you keep the house and son stay there whilst you do a trial period- 6 months in a coastal cottage to see how you get on ?

If your plans are to travel, can't he rent the house instead?

I thought he was going to be mid-30s. A lot of 21 year olds are still at home.

Start the process. Get the estate agents in, start looking where you want to relocate, make it real and give him a timescale, I wonder at this stage whether he really thinks you’re serious about going through with it, or he’s burying his head in the sand.