AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

@ToKittyornottoKitty, @AmserGwely

Some very good replies with good points.

I'm very sorry about the death of your Husband. Life has been very cruel.

I think your son is still young (as still in his early twenties) and with the cost of living, it's a bit overwhelming to start on your own.
He appears to be comfortable with the idea of having the stability of living at home.

From his point of view, he may feel like being pushed away, if you tell him to move out so that you can fulfill your dream.
However, I do think you should sit and have a proper conversation with him, and help him to find a suitable place of his own.
If he is agreeable and you have enough savings, maybe you could put down a deposit for a flat and he can carry on paying the mortgage.
That will also be an investment for his future.

I also think that because he's not managing to save any of his income and you are saving the money, (the money he is giving you for rent), then you should increase that amount.
I think, you have been a responsible parent, by saving money for your DS.

I wish you all the best and I hope you do get to experience some of your dreams.

Do you need the money from a sale to fund the trip? If not, could he not live there alone whilst you are away? Pay the mortgage and look after the house?

Do it. Tell him. Repeatedly. But keep planning.

He won't prepare (can you tell I've been here?). It'll slap him in the face with a huge shock when you go. But it'll be a rite of passage.

Don't give him the nest egg straight away. Let him struggle for a bit. THEN you can swoop in and hopefully it might be a deposit on a flat. I did this. My DC struggled for about the first 10 years but is now solvent and coping really really well.

Yes, they want the security of the mother bird. But you don't have to continue providing the nest long after they've fledged. In fact, if you were a mother bird, you'd have long since shoved him off the branch!

At 20, with no siblings and no father and no stable partner, his primary emotional attachment is his mother and the familiarity of the place he grew up in. Very, very risky to remove that.

Children are for life OP.

I think personally £2000 a month hes easily going to run out of money every month. Rents are silly money these days and with untilities, council tax, food , petrol it runs out quick. I get you want to do what you want to do but maybe give him a bit more time

I have read your updates.
You definitely appear to be a responsible parent.
Yes, I do think you should fulfil your dream.
I also think rather than renting, your son should put down a deposit for a flat, so that it could give him some kind of responsibility of having a future investment.
I am very surprised that he doesn't save any of his income.

You absolutely should fulfil your dream.

Is your home mortgage free? If so, is it possible to keep the house whilst you have a ‘gap year’ or two? Leave your son living in it and his role to cover all the bills. All council tax, gas/ electric, water, internet, food etc etc. or at least give him that choice? He may prefer to move out.

Then look at selling up after your trip/s depending how you feel? You might want a year or so of being back near your son before relocating after spending a lot of time away?

At the end of the day he is an adult though. So with 2 years warning absolutely. If he can’t save himself I’d up his rent considerably so that he is practising a more realistic cost. I know you shouldn’t have to but £800 a month saved for him over 2 years and given back will be a huge cushion! If he thinks it’s too much, he might be more likely to move out sooner- which would be ideal! To see him settled before you go.

Unfortunately, this is 100% true. The cost of everything is so horrendous.

I would happily have left the parental home at 17 or 18 but could not afford to as i was studying. Rents were a lot cheaper back then but I was 22 and promoted to professional grade before I was able to move into the kind of place I wanted.

Life with your parents can get far too easy. You have plenty of money to spend and none of the worries about big bills like fuel, food and mortgage/rent. Most adult children stay for that reason.

Put your house on the market and then he will have no choice but to move out.

You are not being unreasonable at all, you are obviously very aware that none of us know when ill health might hit and you are also, naturally, wanting to do what you had both planned as much for your husband as yourself.
Relocating to be closer to family and friends is a natural move especially as you don’t feel rooted where you are. I do not say this to criticise your son at all but if he decided to up and move away, travel for a year nobody would judge him for leaving you.
There comes a point when you need to do you. And you are very right that this may be a window starting in a couple of years and ending before the next lot of responsibility hits.
There probably needs to be a lot of open discussion over the next few months. Refer openly to your hopes and dreams, ask him about his. Start a joint wish list of places to go, do some together. You will hopefully start to create your adult relationship with him and you will get him thinking about the future.

Why do you need to move though to take time out and do the sailing? Is it because you want / need to downsize to free up the cash? Can’t you just leave your son in the house and get on with your sailing dream - if you’re going to be travelling then what does it matter where your ‘base’ is? Surely it when you come back that it’s the issue as you’re clear you don’t want to remain in the current area

I think it's perfectly possible to live on your own at 21. My son did. His choice as he needed his own space and he's very bossy!
OP he's your only child as I understand it so he'll inherit from you and perhaps your parents too.
I really would look at buying him a small flat. You can go then with no worries plus it will fall out of your estate providing you live 7 years.
I assume you will have enough left for your travels?
Lives do change and we should not be stuck somewhere just because our lives dictated the move at the time.
I think buying him a flat or a small two bed house gives him security. He can rent the other room out to a mate. You can use storage for your things but I'd get rid of everything you don't absolutely love (I'm doing this for my downsize).
Just don't try to move back in with him in a couple of years (plus that doesn't work for tax reasons).
What 21/23 years old wouldn't like to go flat shopping? Good luck.

Indeed. It’s much simpler for a young single man. Find yourself a rental flat or a house share and crack on.

And how do you learn to establish your own stability and independence if your parents are always there holding your hand, providing reassurance and stability for you?

In some circumstances, it can be a hindrance, not a help when young adults are reluctant to move out of their comfort zones.

I had a friend at university who went home every weekend because she was homesick and lonely. It was great she had supportive parents to help her. But it made it worse in the end because she wasn’t prepared to stick out the first lonely term without going home all of the time, friends tended to exclude her from plans to socialise at weekends because they knew she would be absent and this had a knock on effect during the week.

She never did establish life long friends and partners at university like everyone did. So there are times when being overtly supportive as a parent can hold young adults back. This pattern continued in to her first job and she never established a relationship of her own.

In many ways, the young are more equipped to live with a bit of discomfort than older adults. When you are young you have physical strength, energy, flexibility, adaptability etc and you have fewer responsibilities and demands on your time. That is exactly the moment imho when you should take calculated risks and strike out a bit!

Does your son know that you aren't planning anything untill 2028 because if so then I kinda understand not doing straight away - 2028 is a very different situation to if it was 6-8 months away

I don’t understand what the problem is here. Surely you put house on market and let nature take its course?

I don’t actually think that is written well at all. I think if she said that to her son he would feel rejected, and feel that he was not what she dreamed of. I also think that 20 is quite young to be cast into the world alone these days, it’s so expensive to buy a property he’d be likely to have to rent for ages which would prevent him from saving for a mortgage.

OP, I think you should leave it for a couple of years, but make it clear to your son that that is what you want both of you to work towards.

So are saying you can completely see how jumping into life young, wasn't the best thing and left you having to try and make up for it later. And now want another generation to have it forced on them as soon as possible, in a world where that situation is even worse.

If you want to start making plans to move just do it. Don't write massive amounts of empty nothing, that comes down to about two sentences in reality, to justify it.

And yet, if anyone posted here how they were struggling to manage on £2k a month, by themselves, you would find plenty of people posting how they live on less with their family of 3 and to read the room.

Go live your dream. Your son needs to grow up & move out. You need to be really firm with him. My sil wasn’t & my nephew still lives at home at 40 & my sil is totally miserable over it.

I’m 22, lived independently with my partner since I was 18, completed two degrees as a prestigious uni, and worked part time to help support myself.
i couldn’t have lived independently in this financial climate without help from my parents & savings my grandmother dedicated to me when i was a child.
I also couldn’t have done it without my partner. It’s really really tough grappling with bills, chores, etc. it’s all the little things you don’t think about - like who do you call when you have a plumbing issue? Do you have a dedicated plumber? What about if you need your gutters cleaned?
I was still calling my dad (a tradie) for help with literally any minor inconvenience with my rented place and he would ring my landlord, arrange a fair price, and drop his other jobs to come help me!
even living independently in your 20s requires massive family support emotionally especially! You need to be there for his first six months living alone especially.
the truth is, I wouldn’t feel comfortable living independently alone now, even at 22. Currently living with my parents to save up for a place with said partner (he’s at his folks for now too).
I only want to live independently because my partner is my support network. We split household responsibilities and it works well.

Given the state of the housing market have you considered keeping your home and renting it out with your son as the caretaker tenant in exchange for a lower rent. You could live off the rental income and he could continue to live locally without paying extortionate rents?

I agree with this.

You chose to have the life that you have had.

I think you will find that working since 16, not taking a gap year, and working full time, raising a family, are pretty much what most of us are also doing/have been doing.

Its okay for you to have a dream to live a certain life but surely not at the expense of the life of your son.

I think I would have more sympathy if you son was late 20's onwards but he is not even 21 yet!! He is still a very young adult, only just finding his feet in the world and you want to tell him he needs to move out? Most youngsters of that age don't have the finances to be able to do this.

Would your relocation also take you away from your parents? Also, just because your parents get older doesn't mean they will need care.

However, I do think you are entitled to live your dream because I do think that life is too short, and I agree that we should be brave enough to follow our hearts.

But a chat with him and being real about what your plans are and that he has two options. He either saves towards moving out, and maybe flat sharing with a friend or something, or he relocates with you. If he choses the former then you need to agree on a reasonable timescale together that will mean he can make that independent move.

But I would be careful of him feeling 'forced out' though as this may have a real affect on your relationship with him going forwards and him feeling abandoned and having feelings of resentment towards you.

Do the sailing now.

Wait a few years to relocate. 21 y/o is far too young to just be abandoned.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old.

I mean hindsight is a wonderful thing, but perhaps you should have focused on living your dream instead of having children?….

21 is still so young. I don’t know any 21 year olds who live independently from their parents homes unless they are renting with a partner or living in student digs.

I wouldn’t put pressure on him to move out, but I’d give him a 2 year time line to save up even more.