AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

I moved when my son left for Uni. I had to sell the house anyway so I could give his father his share (we'd divorced 7 years earlier and agreed I would keep house until they finished school). And I had met someone else and wanted to move to his city where prices were cheaper.

I did have a place large enough that ds and dd could come and live with me post uni - I told both of them that I would always be there as their back up plan. So if you can get a place with 2 beds so he can, if all goes tits up, come and live with you that would be better. But you get to make choices that prioritise you, not him now.

Just sit him down and tell him your plans - you are giving him plenty of notice and he should be excited both for you, and for himself to move onto the next stage of his life.

My son has been with me for a year - has got a job in London that he currently commutes to and we get along great - he does some cooking and dog walking and is a lovely housemate. He's considerate - always tells me if he's going to be out in the evening and if he makes impromptu plans texts me to tell me so I don't worry. But he's actively trying to find a flat in London to share with a mate, and can't wait to be able to have his own place he can bring friends back to and have parties and full independence

How old are you currently?

I am in two minds about this.

Overall YANBU to want this time just for you.

Might your DS feel that most of his childhood was spent with his father’s care dominating the agenda, and that he is thinking that “finally” (to use his word) he might be top of your list?

Also, I’m not sure that working is “doing things for everyone else” - even if you don’t love your job, it’s something you chose.

I appreciate what you say re your parents but I would say you have a higher responsibility to an adult son than to elderly parents - so kicking him out sooner in order to ensure you get back to care for your parents seems a bit unfair.

That all said, your time line as clarified in your later posts does look reasonable. I think the idea of taking more rent from him in order to help him save is a good one. But ultimately, he doesn’t need savings to move out. If you plan to sell by a certain date, you can just do it!

Id just put the house in the market. You've told him. It might put a rocket up him. He doesn't need to now. Worst case scenario you say ' I'm moving to X area. If you want to stay here you need to find somewhere to rent. Otherwise you can look after my bungalow while I'm away. Love you, bye!'

Yes. .I'd give it 2 more years but be clear that by 23 he needs to have found a place. He's a bit young at the moment.

What victim mentality? Op had spent many years nursing her dh who died of cancer and then being a single parent. Have some respect fhs!

She won't let him stay and look after the property. She wants him out.

The son is an adult and he can't sponge off his Mum all his life.

Family is family here. Adult kids will be welcome in my home as long as I'm breathing.

Perhaps tell him what you have been doing with the £300 'rent' as a start. And treat him like an adult.

Not sure anyone is being unreasonable here. It's a 2 year plan. What do you expect him to do now about something that isn't happening until 2028?

Have a chat about money and make sure he knows what it's going to cost him to rent a place (inc deposit etc), check he's got a savings account set up etc. But YABU to get angry about it now. He has 2 years, which is plenty of time even if he hasn't started yet.

Start getting your own things ready- declutter your house, research the area you want to move to etc etc. It sounds a bit as if you're imagining obstacles that aren't really there and I wonder whether there's an element of anxiety here about the big change.

Have you asked him to move out and he's said No? You haven't been clear what he has actually done to thwart your plans. Apart from, in your opinion, not saving enough money and not looked for a place to rent, which he is probably putting off until you show concrete signs of sailing away.
It sounds like he has a well-paid job for his age and possibly no student debt, which is more than a lot of 20-year-olds can say.
If you want to go, then go!

Yes, this is also reasonable. By age 22-24 someone should have a few real 'foundations'.

No, not always. I’m an army brat and lived in loads of different countries and places. Home was where my parents were at that particular time, wherever we could be together as a family.

Some people’s accommodation goes with their job eg a school or a church. Lots of divorced parents don’t have the space they would like for adult children. Some single parents can’t afford the running costs of a larger house. Some immigrants come to a second country to work and educate their dc and then move back home again. Some parents downsize immediately because of costs. Not everyone is the same you know.

You are absolutely in the right OP and I would feel the same, as would most women I expect.

I think there's a good solution - move out and rent your house to him. At full market value. You can live a wonderful free life travelling for a couple of years, and live off and/or save the rent you receive. He can look after the house (hopefully).

You can make it quite clear that once the rental period is up, he needs to move out.

You are not doing him any favours charging him only 20 or 30% of a normal rent.

He is not learning to allocate his earnings properly.

This will not end well! He is in an incredibly fortunate position right now and will probably never get the chance again to save with only a tiny amount of outgoings.

And the £300 a month you have kept aside, absolutely do not give back to him. You have already allowed him to keep hundreds aside every month.

No doubt you have been doing all his washing and shopping and cooking and cleaning for him? What would he have had to pay for that service? £300 a week I should think.

If you really can't bear to spend it on yourself, even though you earned it, then at least keep it as an emergency fund for the future - whether for him or for you.

Time to step up and look after yourself OP, you're not a doormat.

She should either spend the money he gives her in rent or give it back to him then; I don't know why parents infantilise adult DC like this, pretend it's rent then present it back as a gift later. "Only kidding!"

Just renting to him may not work - but what he rents with two lodgers? Lots more money, he might make more friends, and a home for you to come back to.

Would he be able to afford full market value? I doubt it.

I would substantially up that board he is paying immediately.
He needs to look at a room somewhere.
He is blowing a huge amount every month.
£300 is far too little in the circumstances, as you are saving it for him.
Closer to £800 and tell him find a room if he doesn't like it.
He needs to learn what budgeting looks like asap or he will have debt in his future.

My parents moved home - a long distance - during my first year at uni, so going "home" in the holidays was not really home.

I do not think it did me any harm really - it made me more independent if anything.

I never again lived at home - as soon as I graduated (rather young as I went up to uni a year early) I lived independently with my partner.

A factor in the OP's scenario is the death of her OH - it does make things a bit more sensitive for the son, but he is certainly old enough to be living an independent life, especially as he has a job.

You lived at university, then you lived with a partner. That's different.

I agree that op’s son being an only child and losing his dad does mean this has to be handled carefully, but it also depends on the maturity of the adult child concerned. I’ve known youngsters competent at sixteen to live alone and others to take a bit longer.

Overall though, I am finding this thread quite depressing bc if it was a man who had nursed his wife through cancer, stayed around until his son was twenty-three (read op’s update) and then went off sailing solo for a while, I think most people would be supportive of that decision!

I doubt it too and I wouldn’t appreciate coming back intermittently and probably having to clean up what had essentially become a student house. That is the opposite of what op is after!

I would say such a thing to man.

But op does need to think about her long term plans. Eventually everyone gets too old to live aboard a boat. I would want to rent out my home not sell it

Set a date, give him time to prepare and go do it op.

I’m 29, moved out at 18, had a child at 21, single mum at 25. I kept a roof over my own head (and child’s) earning much less than your ds while privately renting (comparative to the inflation post Covid too).

A 20 year old today is seemingly viewed more as a 16 year old was 15 years ago. He is an adult with a stable, decently earning job. He doesn’t need to live with his mum.

Give him the option- he can move with you or find his own place. You’re not exactly kicking him out in those conditions, he has the choice to fulfill adult desires or continue being dependent.