AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

Conversely, I moved out at 17, finished my schooling whilst working to pay rent, bought a house at 19 and learned how to do everything myself. I’ve stayed exactly 2 nights at my parents’ house since leaving at 17 because I couldn’t be alone post-op (I was 18 at the time). I’ve studied alongside full and part time work (have never worked less than full time).

I don’t see a thing wrong with expecting a young adult to “launch” by 23 with 2 years’ notice!

When DH was establishing himself as an adult, they left, which means his relationship with them suffered - that's why there is a distance between them now as it never quite recovered. Had there been more ongoing closeness I don't think that would have happened.

Prior to them moving he visited fairly often but after the move he saw them only a few times a year, partly due to the distance and the expense but also due to the fact that he was trying to build a life and he didn't want to spend every holiday travelling.

He's fully aware of what his parents' intentions were - they weren't happy where they were living and wanted to move back to where they had lived about 15 years previously. They seemed to believe they could recapture a life they'd had years before, which didn't happen because very few of the same people still lived there. In the end they still weren't happy and complained quite a lot about the move.

Parents can absolutely make independent choices, but they must be aware that some of those choices might affect their relationship with their children.

You chose to have the life that you have had.

Sorry but that’s an incredibly insensitive thing to say when op’s husband died of cancer.

Thanks for the replies and support to just get on and do it, it is the right thing to do I just wanted some opinions with where my head was at and to sense check it.

some good ideas on curveballs too - someone mentioned getting a smaller place here and renting it too him while still moving where I want to, so that’s an interesting thought as I’d not really wanted to become a landlord to strangers but this might work

I very obviously didn't mean that bit 🙄

I was referring to the things that I actually referred to - working since 16, raising children, not taking a gap year.

This in a nutshell.

Having a son of similar age and circumstance, I agree with this. But I think if you've discussed it with him before then maybe you need to put your house on the market and that might show him that you're really serious now and spur him on to find somewhere else to live. I hope it all works out for you, both.

I presume OP will not be disappearing off the face of the earth though. She will still be around, just in a smaller house. I do wonder though whether actually living by the coast with no family and sailing on your own will be all that great though. Having a dream from the age of 6 carries a lot of expectations. What if it doesn't live up to it and you're stuck in a seaside town in the winter ( many are quite deprived, and cold and empty in the winter) miles away from your only child, trying to Scrabble together a new social network, I presume in your late 50's?

But it doesn't "require" support. You made use of the support that was there but if it wasn't, you'd find a way to call a plumber, negotiate with the landlord, and would go up on the ladder to clean your own gutters. It's nice that support was there but it also held you back from developing these skills which is why you feel uncomfortable living independently at 22.
I can still remember the first time my boiler threw out a ERR message in the middle of February with no heating and no hot water. I was about your age at the time. I figured it out with the help of internet and learned how to raise pressure by fiddling with valves. This is the skill which I used many many times in the 20 years that followed. If my dad came out, I'd still be calling plumbers now for something I can fix myself in 30 seconds.

Her life is that of someone with a 20yo child though. That wasn't something that just happened, it was a choice OP made. Her life isnt gone just because she had another adult living with her.

Op chose to have a child over sailing around Europe when she was younger. A family was the life she wanted, and again she hasn't "lost life" because she chose this option

He does need to move out at some point obviously, but 20 is still quite young to be forced out in today's world, where houseshares are expensive and shit.

Wow I was expecting him to be older than 20!

He lost his dad at 16 and now his mum wants him out so she can fulfil her dreams, how does that make him feel! He's still very young IMO.

Slow down a bit, start doing other stuff that doesn't involve selling up/sailing and then reassess in two or three years.

I have no experience of sailing but surely you can still just do it without actually living by the sea? Same with holidays. You can just go on holiday.
Edit: Sorry @FrenchandSaunders . I didn't mean to quote you and now can't ' clear quote'

Do you not think its sad youve only stayed 2 nights at your parents house since you were 17? Someone moving out at 17 and having to work to pay for their rent whilst still at school and then never going home isnt indicative of a loving, supportive relationship between parent and child.

If it happens, they will survive but its not the relationship most people strive for with their adult child

I sort of understand where you are coming from. Recently widowed (unexpectedly) after working and raising 4 children I have realised life can be a lot shorter than previously thought and am considering what I would like to do with the rest of my life.
I have 2 in their 20s still at home and have thought about living somewhere different, even just for a year or so. One option I have considered is letting the DC rent my house even if they had to get a 3rd flattie in. That way I still have the option of returning if and when I wish. Could this be an option for you?

Yeah I don’t think it’s different either! This thread is a bit shocking - at 20 they are not children (he’ll be 23 by the time OP leaves). Of course you can be a safety net if things go tits up but he’s frittering away £1500 a month because he knows he’s got a good deal at OP’s. Nothing wrong with letting them stand on their own two feet. He has a decent job by the sounds of it. He could easily get a flat share.

All these adult children living with their parents until mid to late 20s - how ridiculous. You are not doing them any favours and I suspect it’s for your own benefit as you can’t bear to cut the apron strings….

Encouraging independence is important. Of course you can be a safety net if they lose their job or become homeless.

OP, this is really tricky. Do you need to sell your house for this to happen? I feel we will always have room for our adult children to return home but I am not committed to remaining in it to provide ongoing domestic services.

If you don't need the money from the house, he could rent it from you for a year while you see how things pan out, if this stacks up financially, or swap it for somewhere smaller.

I get his reluctance to relocate if he has friends and a life where he is. 20 is a funny age. Does he know your plan? Are you having a 'gap year' or are you looking to set up an established life elsewhere?

I think there might, with some careful thought, be a middle ground where he isn't too displaced and you get what you need, which does sound reasonable. How independent is he now? If you are doing everything for him, I think you might need to factor a gradual withdrawal into the mix. Might he come and visit/share some of your travels as a holiday?

I totally get the urgency that a bereavement gives you to get out there and do it all while you get the chance, and the end of DCs childhood where they don't 'need' you exactly and you wonder when you get to do the stuff you want. You don't want to just be wafting around the house while their adult life begins doing the dull stuff somewhere you didn't want to be.

There must be a way of everyone getting what they need with some careful planning.

Living at home with my parents till my mid twenties (bar university) meant I was able to do the following

• travel and have adventures
• pay off all my university debts
• end unsatisfactory relationships/jobs without fear
• heal from an awful bereavement
• stay close to school friends who are my lifelong friends and whose support and friendship was key to my healing after loss

Someone who has suffered such a huge loss at 16 should not be judged if they take a bit longer to move on

How much financial education does he have? Other commenters have mentioned the emotional and some practical sides of it. You don't seem overly concerned with that, so assuming you believe he will be ok from that side.

Looking at the specific issue you are raising, that he isn't financially preparing for your move. At 20, many people are not financially literate. Financial Education isn't commonly taught at school and the practicalities of managing a budget etc are often not truly understood until doing it yourself.

Could you maybe have a more in depth conversation with him about what he has thought about doing once you move? Is he happy with a house share? Does he have any friends that would like to move in together? Whatever accommodation plans he has, what is the expected cost? Rent, bills etc, how much would that cost and therefore how much would he be left with?

You could help him set up a savings account to start transferring that over so he learns what he has left to live on, what life on that budget looks like. How affordable is that for him? You've mentioned its approx 2 years til you are looking to move, you could show him what his savings could look like in 2 years and what that could get him. Would he like to buy a house in the future? Need a car/upgrade car? Any holidays or travel plans himself?

Go through the need for an emergency fund, benefits of having savings over living on credit. The issues people can get into if they need to take out loans, repaying more than they needed and the long term costs.

I say this not as a way to molly coddle him through, but use it as an opportunity to educate him, work with him and help him build some financial stability now while his outgoings are low. Maybe even tell him about your plans with his rent, and suggest increasing it but promising to return it in the future for a house deposit or similar, at a mutually agreed time. I wouldn't assume he has these skills already, he is still very young and at an age many make financial mistakes. You have time to plan and work together to both get to a more independent stage in 2 years.

Put your house on the market, op and make your plans.
He'll have to look into renting then.
I suspect he doesn't thibk you are serious.

Its different because uni is piss easy to live independently, everything is handed to you on a platter

You apply for halls, you land with ready made friends of the same age, all going through the same thing. Theres maintenance staff and security, theres plenty of support available at uni. No bills bar rent. When you move into a house share again theres hundreds of people who all want the same thing, and at the same stage of life, so you figure it out together, and at least one persons parents are prepared to help. Theres usually support available from the uni if you cant find a house

Being a student is fun but its a much easier and slower path to full independence.

One of my colleagues just started and has moved into a flatshare and its all 50/60 year olds. When I started at their level I could afford my own flat. A flatshare can be pretty shit and lonely, and life is a hell of a lot more expensive even than 10 years ago

I feel for op, I still have two at home 34,30, Boys, showing no signs of wanting to move out, it’s now effecting our lives, we want to retire and move away, we’ve only two options, just carry on in a situation we hate or make them homeless, something I never thought I would have to do as a parent.

Yes I didn’t travel and have adventures after uni as I wanted to get a job and start earning. And I paid off my own debts with said job. Not relying on my parents….there’s some entitled people on here.

We are all different but the OP’s
son currently has £1.5k a month spare. It will be even more in three years time. But no let’s wait until he’s 26 and has thousands spare each month - only at that point it will be too late and she’ll probably be caring for and paying for her own parents

This is what I’m worried about - I fear society is now encouraging and expecting this.

Hence a bit of forcing them to fly the nest in their early twenties is not a bad thing .

i don't think you're necessarily unreasonable, but you do need to be clear:

a 21 year old today isn't the same as you when you were 21.
they've all - despite a lot of our best intentions - been coddled much more than previous generations.

they were also extremely stunted by COVID and lockdowns. they haven't had the same opportunities to experience the same early adulthood that we did.

that's not to say they can't learn, and certainly your DS seems better placed than most, professionally, but he will probably need a bit more prompting/guidance than you had anticipated.

i have a DS the same age as yours - just about to finish uni. he's still quite immature about real life at times, despite our many many conversations attempting to elucidate him.

My youngest, a boy, was reluctant to move out. His sister, on the other hand couldn’t move out quicker. He is a musician & does other freelance work, so not a big salary.
To those who say it’s too expensive, well, no, it isn’t. We live in the south-east, & he currently lives in an under-populated HMO, sharing a big, comfortable house with 2 others & pays around £600/mo. Cheap basic accommodation for young people does exist.
Just work out your plan, let him know when he needs to be getting a move on, & go forward on that basis.
It’s really important that he does most of the running on this, he needs to learn how to navigate the world, and you do him no favours doing all the heavy lifting. It took my son a while to find his current set up, all I had to do was be his guarantor, which is pretty normal for a first time renter & is no big deal.