AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

[YourUmberOP]

AIBU to expect my adult son to move out so I can finally live the life I've always dreamed of?

I'm after some honest opinions because I'm increasingly frustrated with the situation and wondering whether I'm being unreasonable.

A bit of background. I've worked continuously since I was 16. I've never had a gap year, never had that period of freedom to just go and explore the world and do the things I've always wanted to do. I've always put everyone else first, or something life threw at us has taken priority.

Living by the coast, having a boat and being able to sail and explore Europe has been my dream since I was six years old. This isn't some recent midlife crisis or a whim I've suddenly developed. My late husband and I always planned to do this together. It was something we'd always talked about and intended to make happen.

My husband died four years ago. That's really the only thing that's changed about the dream. I still want the same life, even though my world has fundamentally changed.

My son is 20, nearly 21, lives at home and works full-time. He earns around £2,000 a month after tax. I've explained that I want to relocate and that he needs to start making plans to get his own place. This isn't news to him; we've been discussing it for months.

His only regular fixed outgoings are car insurance (£160) and a phone contract (£40), plus the usual costs of maintaining and running his car. I charge him £300 a month board, which I've actually been putting into a savings account for him. He doesn't know about this, as I want him to have a little nest egg when he eventually moves out.

Even allowing for fuel, food (which I buy all his meals to take to work anyway) and personal spending, he has considerable scope to save. He has £1,500 each month after his fixed bills and board. We're now four months down the line and he's saved virtually nothing.

i personally earn about the same as him so I know how to make money stretch.

There seems to be no urgency, no real plans and no apparent recognition that he needs to start taking responsibility for his own future. I appreciate that I shouldn't be the one saving for him, but equally I'm trying to make sure he has a decent start when he does leave home.

I understand that renting is expensive and that moving out for the first time can be daunting. I'm not expecting him to buy a house or live in luxury. A room in a shared house would be a perfectly reasonable starting point.

I, on the other hand, have very little tying me to where I currently live. I moved here 12 years ago for my husband's work. I have no real friends here, I hate my job and there are very limited alternative employment opportunities locally.

Most of our friends were through my husband's work and, since he passed away, we rarely speak or meet socially. I feel like I'm in a bit of a hole here.

My son is settled. He has lots of friends locally through school and work and understandably doesn't want to relocate with me. I understand that, and I'm not expecting him to give up his social life and move somewhere he doesn't want to live. But I don't think his preference to stay here should automatically mean I have to stay here too.

There's another reason I feel quite strongly about doing this sooner rather than later. My parents are getting older. Realistically, I know there may come a point in the next 5–10 years when I'll have caring responsibilities for them. I want to make the most of the time I have now, while I'm still young enough, fit enough and able to sail, travel and explore.
If I put everything off for another five or ten years, I could easily find myself having spent my entire adult life looking after everybody else, only to reach a point where I'm too old or have too many responsibilities to do the things I've dreamed about since childhood.

It sometimes feels as though I've spent my entire adult life fulfilling responsibilities and putting other people's needs first. I don't want to reach retirement age having never actually lived the life I've spent decades dreaming about.
I don't want to spend my life waiting for the next family responsibility to finish before I'm allowed to start living.

I love my son and I'm not looking to abandon him. But he's an adult, he's earning a decent wage and I think it's reasonable to expect him to start building an independent life.

I've worked since I was 16, raised my child, dealt with losing my husband and kept everything going. I see this next chapter as my opportunity to have the gap year or two I've never had.

So AIBU to say that I'm moving ahead with my plans and that he needs to make alternative living arrangements, rather than continuing to put my life on hold because he hasn't bothered to save?
At what point do you stop organising your life around your adult children and start living it for yourself?
And more importantly, how do I actually get this message across to him? Do I set a firm deadline and stick to it, regardless of whether he's saved enough? What do I do if that deadline arrives and he still hasn't made any effort?

I genuinely don't know whether I'm being unreasonable, whether I'm expecting too much or whether I just need to accept that it's time to put myself first.

I suppose that's why I'm asking the internet!

I think is worth noting that the average age to leave home now is 25 years old. In London it's even higher. So although most of us were fine moving out earlier, it is worth bearing in mind it was more achievable for us to do so due to lower rent/availability and CoL.

I think your job as a parent is to support your son towards independence. I think doing this progressively and supportively is good. He is young still so may not be ready to live independently just yet…

Having children is (or should be) a life-long commitment. If you wanted the boating life, it might have been best to not have children.

I’d sit down and talk frankly to him about how you’re feeling, then if you’re both sure you can make it work, agree a mutually convenient deadline for him to move out and you to move on.

Are you planning to move somewhere you’d have a spare bedroom and somewhere for him to stay when he visits? Because that’s key. He’s only just 21, and lots of adult kids want/need to come home for a bit between jobs, travelling, relationship break ups, or whatever.
I think you’d both be happier, going for the break, if there’s some flexibility rather than a straightforward no way back policy.

You only get one life and it is shockingly short. Do it. I was widowed young with children to raise and am only now at the point where I can begin thinking about the next stage, and freedom. In your shoes I'd be 1) giving him a deadline, maybe a year or so from now, and being very clear that you are leaving the area 2) tell him you are increasing his board to £500/£600 a month (save it for him) 3) tell him you would like to see evidence that he is saving for the move.

You can look on YouTube for videos aimed at money management skills for young people starting out. Watch them first, obviously, to check they are relevant, and send them to him. Send him a link to Spareroom or whatever it's called - get him realising this is real! A For Sale board outside your house might sharpen his mind! And talk to him about your own dreams and plans - he will start thinking about his own position differently.

As a pp said, also think outside the conventional options. The world has changed for young people and sometimes a different approach is needed. For example, could you leave without selling your house, and charge him rent to stay? He could get a lodger?

Your son is only 20, so that is young to be leaving home. Your husband was also his father?, and DS would have been 16 when he died. I would give him a few more years of stability and family life. A lot can change between ages 20 and 23, he might well be wanting to fly the nest by then, be in an even better-paying role, in a relationship.

Do you need to sell your property to buy the boat & have money to live on ?

Or

Rent out your property to your son & another 1 or 2 people & live off the income

Either way, I agree, follow your dreams now while you are young & fit enough to sail & explore

He’s had a few months to organise/do the necessary to accommodate what you’ve been planning for years? He’s already lost his Dad at a young age…

I think 20 is quite young still, and I wouldn’t boot him out yet personally.

Sorry if I missed it, but was your late dh also your son’s dad? In which case he lost his father age 16 which is a dreadfully tough age to lose a dad.

If my dad had died when I was 16 and my mum told me she planned to sail off to Europe in a boat several years later, I would probably freak out and do everything in my power to keep her here. Selfish, but my mum was brilliant and I wouldn’t want to miss the time left with her (knowing I’d lost any chance to spend time with my dad).

I don't know why you're secretly saving money for him and at the same time want him to be independent and move out? He was paying you in good faith.
He lost his father when he was 16, his Mum wants to have her own life away from him. Ok, he's nearly 21, but that's quite tough.
If you want to, you could keep the money you've saved from him and spend it on your dream.
Just talk to him honestly. Say you don't want to parent him anymore or have him live with you, and give him notice to leave. Is that what you want?

Option2: could you both save up and go sailing off to Europe together?

Totally understandable that someone that lost their dad at 16/17 may need a little extra time before leaving home. She’s not going to ‘be there’ to lend advice etc, she’s making him leave and doing her own thing.

He's 20 and lost his dad 4 years ago at 16? Is that right? Now mum is desperate to kick him out when he's earning minimum wage. Yes he should be saving more and that's something to discuss but this seems very unkind.

I understand you want to live your life but 21 is still so young, I think you need to give him a year and then hopefully he can convince some friends to move in together

YANBU and anyone who expects you to be mothering your 20 year old son is BU. Do it. We are all on finite time. Looking after aged parents is draining. Be kind to yourself.

I think he’s too young for this. Charge him more rent and put more away for him. Give it another year. Get him to set a DD to a savings account.

There is nothing wrong with how you feel.

Can you make your move and say that you are happy for him to move with you? He will then have accommodation, but will have to look for a new job.

He will be less than keen because of his social contacts, but you have competing needs here and that might be a good compromise, since neither of you can happily get exactly what you want.

Having children can be one dream, but there should and can be room for other dreams once those children are adults. A life of self-sacrifice helps no one, including the adult children.

I don't think you are unreasonable as such to want to live your dream life, but I do think you are a bit unreasonable to expect him to show "urgency". 21 is still very young. I would give him a timeframe, e.g. 6 months and say that's your aim and he needs to put in plans for them. If he's not saving independently, charge him more rent and do it for him.

I like the suggestion to rent the house out to him, if that's a possibility to consider? Eases the logistics of it all - for both of you really.

My parents (dad and step mum) moved to another country when I was away at uni. I didn't have plans to come home to live as such, but them moving meant it wasn't an option. I figured it out, and it was fine, but I don't think I'd actively choose to do the same to my kids if I could avoid it. My mum died shortly after too. They weren't to have known that of course, or changed their plans on the back of that, but it was a difficutl time, and it's only really because I had my now DH that I managed as well as I did.

So his dad died when he was 16yo and now his Mum want to kick him our to go off and find herself?

I have a similar situation. My DSs' father died 5 years ago when the youngest was just 18yo. He works and woukd be capable of physically looking after himself, but his MH has suffered and there's no way I'd be going.

I think in theory, of course DC is an adult and you're entitled to live your life, but I wouldn't expect to have a relationship with DC when you get back. He'll feel abandoned at a crucial time, even if he doesn't say it and that's not you see it.

I'm really surprised how many think it would be fine. I can only assume their children are much younger and they have this picture of them turning 18yo and suddenly not needing anything from you.

What do you prioritize? Family or this dream? Is seeing your family less ok for you? It's just that people often have dreams of going away and stop caring but when they get there, they feel empty and unneeded. Could this happen to you?

Where are your parents located? Do you expect to move back when you start caring for them, or move them nearer you? Do you expect your son to visit? How often would you like to see him? Could you perhaps take a very long holiday to the destination you wanted and see if you want to come back?

I personally wouldn't do that, he's still young and lost his father not long ago. I would go on long trips, yes, but I would keep the house for him to live in, and maybe just rent out a boat.

You clearly feel that you have "sacrificed" and put others before you. I would say that's part of parenting, but I don't know your story.
Have a clear conversation with your son and spell it out.

You go travelling and sailing. It sounds great. Leave your son in the house. Charge him rent. He can let out the spare room while you’re gone and earn more rent for you.
this provides a bit of stability for him who has lost his father young while you are gone.
and your home is still earning for you

Would you not rather hang fire so he can save for a deposit.
Once people are in the renting trap its impossible to save.

21 is still quite young to effectively be getting chucked out. Their relationship might never recover.

Agree with this. And the way you write about being a wife and mother is quite sad too- It can be hard work, but it's not shackles is it? I think a boy who has lost his dad at 16ish is going to need a lot of support and love for a good few years.