My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

Mine works away, doing about 50-60 hour weeks. He came home at 2:30 on Friday morning. I went to work just after 7. By the time I got home at 4pm, he’d cleaned the house and done all the laundry.

That is typical. He takes an equal share in looking after our joint pets, he takes an equal share of domestic jobs, and he is also nice to me- brings me tea in the morning, gives me time to have a nap if I’m tired, does the washing up, tops up my wine glass.

Your husband behaves awfully. He doesn’t want to be a partner or a parent, he wants a servant, a sex worker, and the status of having fathered children. He’s a disgrace. Honestly, I would think seriously about separating; you’ll have a much easier time.

For now, as you do such a terrible job, just stop. Stop cooking for him, stop trying to tidy his stuff, stop doing his laundry. Do yours, do the kids’, but let him do his own. Stop pandering to him.

For context, I'm a SAHM. My DH generally has one chill day at the weekend and one day where we all do stuff together. He has a lie in both days but only because I'm an early bird and don't want a lie in. If the kids have a bunch on, he forgoes his chill day/lie ins and does his share of driving them around/watching them compete/etc. He makes suggestions for days out and enjoys them, I normally organize. He does his laundry, I do mine and household (did do the kids; but they do their own now). I do the cleaning, but we have low standards. He cooks once during the week and probably a bit over half at weekends (he enjoys cooking and wants to, I'd do it otherwise).

He has a stressful job with relatively long hours (out of the house for 12 hours a day with commute and may have to work on stuff at home in the evening).

Mine works full time in a stressful job that he dislikes. He coaches two of our kids sport teams, does his own and kids washing, cooks, cleans, fixes things around the house, takes them to activities. Basically he plays a part in family life and doesn't expect me to do everything for him. We're a team, don't get me wrong we have our ups and downs but I know he has my back. I suspect he may be on the spectrum so there are certain things he doesn't like to do and same goes for me so we make allowances for each other.
If it sounds like I'm boasting I'd like to add that i was with someone before him who was an absolute toerag who expected me to do everything and then wondered why I wasn't much fun anymore. He cheated on me and good riddance because if he hadn't i probably would have carried on. You don't have to though there are good men out there who have been brought up properly and won't take you for granted.

My DH in the 70s was amazing: Bathed the DC and water from the bath was all round the room and he mopped it all up, made fudge that didn't set with DD! Lots of fun stuff with DCs All the Time. I found him asleep on the floor with childrens' books open and DCs running riot upstairs. He worked 4 rotating shifts and I did casual waitressing. Chaotic house and not very tidy or clean.

Keep plugging away at getting your business set up. Then LTB, and I don't often say that.....

Then it's over Op, use your energy to plan your divorce instead of wasting time on this excuse for a partner

What's wrong with it being a benefit just for her?

She is building her career, and wanted flexibility for the DC.. Presumably to do school pick ups and sick days.

How is that only a benefit for her?
Surely its a benefit for the DC, his DC .. and ultimately saving him the cost of extra childcare, which he doesn't seem to value anyway.

She's also being leaned on to cut down on her work time to perfect the house for him.

Oh honey, the opposite of the dickhead you are married to!

Example, I'm feeling ill today, I must have slept 5 hours over the course of the day, DH took toddler to shops, fed him, changed him and took him to the park. I'm lying on the couch and they are laughing away playing with trucks. I haven't lifted a finger all day, he's just come in to tell me he's doing bath and bed and I shouldn't get up.

On a normal day when I'm not ill it's completely 50/50. I wouldn't accept anything else. I'm 42, he's 45, I work 4 days he works 5, never would he CONSIDER telling me what to do around the house on that day off.

He’ll inevitably pester me for sex on a weekly basis and if I decline, he’s even meaner to me. In fact, that may explain today’s meanness, because last night I declined.

I want to pick up on this because it's a serious thing (not that the rest of his behaviour isn't, mind).

Coercion and bullying - including being 'cold' declined - regarding sex is a form of abuse.

@weekendfail “as it was hard to hold down a corporate job while accommodating his work schedule. So I spent all my money on childcare. Whilst he saved his”

so you were doing a full-time corporate job

You paid for childcare, he didn’t - can I just doublecheck, they are his kids, correct?

You accommodated his work schedule he didn’t accommodate yours.

LTB. Life will be a lot easier without him. What an absolute grade A waster.

What is this manual job he does that causes him to be a prick?

My DH is also in a stressful job, as am I. Yeah the house is untidy most of the time but we take it in turns to cook and laundry, he does all the kids ironing, frankly he is better at tidying than I am, we share taking the kids to their various commitments, he comes to school events and does a lot of the life admin including some school stuff (we will often be checking to see if one of us has responded to the latest school email first). He is not so great at birthdays and Christmas presents for all and sundry, but at least sorts his own family out in the main. Essentially we are a team and equally pitch in. Also, and most importantly, no sulking and meaness around sex or lack thereof.

Everyday the same posts
Everyday the same answers
Everyday the woman stays with the lazy peice of shit
Groundhog day
Nothing changes

He's a bully. You need to get your ducks in a row before it gets worse and he starts telling the children how useless they are.

The point where he saved money while you paid for childcare so you could both work was presumably a red flag and had you looking for how to extricate yourself, OP. I assume that's what the freelancing was about?

Stop focusing on what you think he should be doing - he's not doing enough, but he's not going to change, is he? You just need to focus on how you can build the best life without him.

If you don't want to deal with kids or other people, you don't get married and have kids. It is a choice.

Mine does 50% of the housework and household admin. When the kids were young he was as hands-on, as invested and as nurturing as I was. We spent every weekend as a family - hillwalking, cooking, art activities, games. We organised and ran parties together. We both volunteered with the youth group our kids were in. He did swimming lessons because I hate swimming pools, I did judo and football pick ups. Either one of us might pick up a sick child from school, depending on what we were doing. He has never, in 30 years, spoken to me with the contempt and disrespect your husband shows you.

ETA: this is in response to OP asking what other husbands do, it’s not just an insufferable boast about how great mine is!

Are they his children too? Just when you refer to them as “my” kids rather than “our” I wondered if it’s a step father situation. He sounds vile either way.

We had Dd late in life, I worked p/t around Dh's shifts, but when he decided to retire early I went back to work and he took over all the childcare tasks. Once she started school it was a matter of pride to him that her lunch box was packed, uniform clean and pressed and shoes shined, he even learned how to do her hair

This.
if he wants to live like a single man, let him understand what that involves.

No! Definitely his children ! We don’t have step children or other marriages before etc.

This for starters. I used to put stuff left lying around in bin bags in the garage. After two weeks they were thrown out. Things improved after the first pair of expensive trainers got binned.

What actual use is this man? It sounds like your life would be far easier without him. None of his mess. None of his bitching and whining.

He doesn’t seem to see you as anything more than a household appliance there to tend to his every need and whim.

Ditch the dead weight

Was he always like this? What are his good points?

OP, if you haven't already please read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? What you're describing is emotional abuse. Depression may just possibly be a factor but it's NOT an excuse. He's behaving appallingly and you're doing your absolute best and need some fucking support and help.

Strap in, start reading, keep building your business up and learn more about his behaviour so you can develop some strategies to manage it while you make your plans. LTB isn't quick, especially with young children, but I don't like the sound of this at all and he won't change unless forced to. (And even then, do you want someone only being nice on the surface because you threatened to leave?! Of course not. My exh used to snarl sarcastically "is that ok? Did I word that ok? Or are you writing that down to use against me too?" It was hideous and I can see so many parallels in what you've written.

I put up with way too much for years. Took me ages to get out, but I did it and my dds (teens at the time) were and remain enormously supportive. Start expecting more for yourself and making plans to get there, whatever that looks like for you.