My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

Mmmm.. he sounds proper hard work OP! What does a divorce look like to you financially? Feasible? Because that’s where I’d be heading I think if I were you. And how sad for the kids.

No no no don’t give up work for him!! Just don’t. You’ll be even more beholden to him and whatever you do will never be good enough for him.

Worst advice ever. If they divorce she will have less to nothing.

That’s what he’s relying on.

He's wasting his children's childhoods, and what's he going to do if one of them gets into a sport?

We are up at the crack of dawn to travel to bike races on weekends, and we're lucky, it's only about once a month - footie or other more mainstream sports it can be most weeks! Even if my DH isn't coming (he does most of the time) hes up to help make sure we've remembered everything and generally help get things ready.

Does he have any redeeming features? What do you want to do moving forward? Is leaving him a possibility? I would suggest you sit down with him and discuss what he wants and what you are and are not prepared to do. He sounds a bit depressed and self absorbed but he can't be allowed to suck the life out of you.

I don't think there is. He can be absolutely exhausted and still not be a prick every weekend.

Ugh! My tip would be, get to work, make some money, keep progressing and as soon as you can manage, leave him! This isn’t going to get better for you or your children.

He has you right where he wants you, doesn’t he? You put up with his appalling, bullying behaviour because you are too exhausted and ground down to push back. You care about the environment the children are growing up in, while he doesn’t give a shit, so that’s another advantage he has over you. He gets to do exactly as he pleases, contributes nothing to family life, rages around like an emotionally incontinent dragon, and you wash his underpants and cook his meals. It’s intolerable. It will destroy you from the inside out, and that’s no good for your children either. I would be making plans to split up.

I don't buy the 'depression' angle - sorry. And even if it was - he needs to get his act together than start behaving like an adult, let alone a father.

This is a tough situations and I don't blame you for feeling frustrated

OP - seriously I would start gathering information (financial, legal, accommodation, employment) with a view to forming a plan to leave / kick him out.

Life is too short and life too tough working full time with young children, to spend that time with a man who doesn't respect & love you and won't pitch in with the stuff that needs to happen around the home and with the kids. Because mark my words - he doesn't love or respect you. And he's certainly not acting like a team player.

Once you have the information you can judge timeframes for a plan and make decisions. You may feel more finanically secure with a full time job and that needs time to sort. If he's unlikely to leave the home willingly - you will need time to find somewhere.

You could suggest relationship counselling if you think he would be willing to engage, but I'll be honest I'm not getting those vibes from you.

Stop washing his clothes and tell him he can bloody well cook for once. You are not the fucking maid.

Also, tell him to stop criticising you. The house isn't your job alone and nor is he your manager. You're supposed to be a partnership and you both have jobs during the week.

Get angry. Nobody cares if you are tired, why is that excuse ok for him but not for you?

What a boorish mean way to treat you.
Also... if you really did less of your own job, in order to make the house perfect for him to dwell in whilst he grumps around at the weekend, you would be shooting yourself in the foot. He clearly couldn't care less as long as you are there to provide household services for him. The lazy selfish p.
you can't organise the house if someones throwing stuff all over the place. I'd go around with a basket and empty it out by his side of the bed. It's his problem. I'd stop doing any work for him... and just do things for you and the kids.

Does his family behave the same way? It really sounds like he's been brought up to think its OK to do the Victorian Father act. Or is he a massive introvert? I note you had friends over... I'm guessing he doesn't have time for friends either.

I almost feel sorry for him that he can't see how great it is to spend time with your DC at the weekends. Do you really want to spend the next ten years like this. What is he like on holidays.. Are you required to provide a "perfect" Christmas.

I think you'd benefit from someone to talk to in RL.. to get an idea of what you want for your future and whether your marriage is helping you get there.

Take the kids away for the weekend whilst you have a think... and let him get on with it.

I kind of live my life separately from him during the week anyway and even at weekends. I like him not being around. During the week, he’s out before we are up and comes back when I’m usually getting the kids to bed or just after. Sometimes I don’t come down and just go to bed. In the guest room anyway. Because he’s a light sleeper and the kids get up during the night.

I also don’t really want to be around him tbh. He’ll inevitably pester me for sex on a weekly basis and if I decline, he’s even meaner to me. In fact, that may explain today’s meanness, because last night I declined.

Give him a warning and then everything of his on the bedroom or bathroom floor gets chucked out of the window (rear window so neighbours not treated to this). Every time. You stop doing any cooking or cleaning for him because you are 'shit at it anyway" so from now on he's doing his own. I am so sick of these threads where deadbeat lazy misogynistic bullies get their own way. Meanwhile get all docs together, see a solicitor and ask him how he will cope living on his own and having the kids EOW. Tough I know but it will make or break and you will know where you're heading.

@weekendfail he must bring something to your life… what ?

He would be told to fuck off if he didn't like it. Arsehole.

Nope, when our eldest was a baby, Dh was working in a stressful job he hated, FT with a commute. He was also starting a business (a now very successful one). He’d get hired me from work every day and spend them next 4-5 hours with a baby attached to him in a sling doing web design and business planning and admin until bedtime. He’d still get up during the night to help me with night feeds and changes. And he was up with the baby every weekend morning and then we did things as a family all day.

Every update makes him sound worse. Don't waste your life like this. Don't teach your children that this is what life is.

The audacity of treating you like shit and then thinking you'd want to have sex with him. These men live in their own universe. Ridiculous.

Re the criticising me. It’s all the time. The food I make is shit, I keep the house messy, the kids are wild because of me. I know I’m not perfect. But it’s not like the house is a complete dump. I clean, I cook for him every night. I do laundry etc. I don’t iron that much.

I am not the perfect home maker but it’s not that bad. He expects a lot. His mum picked up his crap until he was in his late 20s. She goes around the house with a tray collecting cups people have left out. Come on !

she’s always breaking her back for everyone.

Just leave him, work out how to make it happen now. You are not happy, he is not happy, I would bet the kids can get the vibe. Why fight for something that is just not meant to be? And why let him treat you like this? He sounds a terrible dad.

What reason is there to stay in this relationship?

He doesn't treat you with any respect or care. That means he doesn't love you. He doesn't even like you.

Brutal maybe but that is the truth. There are ups and downs in a relationship but someone who loves you and respects you does not treat you like this once, let alone repeatedly and consistently.

Your husband is a man child. He's not a partner. He's not a parent. He not even an adult. You are already doing everything. You'd probably get more down time if you left him. Your house woukd certainly be cleaner. TBH , It sounds like your relationship is already dead. You need to make it official.

What do you actually get out of this relationship?
You sound like a single mum anyway and he sounds like a right arsehole.
Anyway you and your children deserve better.
X

Sounds like you’ve reached your limit OP.
He's another man that wants to live in the 1950s. The bad news for him is that it’s 2026. He needs to step up or fuck off.
Get your business fully up and running asap and cut the cord. You’ll be so much better off without him moping round the place dragging every one down.

He sounds dreadful and like he needs to go back to live with his Mum who is happy to wait on him. Nothing you've posted about how you spend your weekend with your kids sounds remotely unreasonable. Whilst it's obviously good to have the odd chilled weekend, sitting around the house and not interacting with others every weekend isn't healthy. If you have kids, you need to be a bit flexible, so hosting people a bit last minute so your kids can have fun is part of that. I would plan to leave him and give yourself and your kids a better life.