My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

OP, a few examples of what I do as the spouse in the Big Corporate Job:

• Keep an eye on how quickly we run out of things (dishwasher tablets, loo roll etc) and set up regular online deliveries so we don’t run out
• Do chores during breaks when wfh, eg unloading the dishwasher and cleaning the filter, scrubbing toilet, even just wiping down table after kids breakfast
• If we’ve run out of bread or something, my reaction would be “oh shit can we live without until tomorrow when you are going to the shops or do we need this for the kids urgently, in which case let’s do an online delivery, what else do we need?”
• if I say the house is a tip, it’s a statement of fact not a reproach, followed by a suggestion on how to resolve it eg “shall we put the TV on to blitz through this”

Your husband is a twat and an emotionally and financially abusive one at that. Please do not stay with him to model this relationship to your children.

It's not every weekend though

He needs servants/slaves not a wife- I'd invest in a good divorce lawyer.

Why should she leave him to making a massive mess (that she then either needs to tidy up, or work around which isn't feasible in most houses) and creating a tense atmosphere shouting at everyone because he doesn't get his way. Taht's not something that that should be "left", it's awful behaviour.

Why does she need to clear his mess up?

She shouldn't have to. But if he's just leaving his shit everywhere it isn't always possible to just ignore. It's making GENERAL organisation and tidiness impossible. Which means she either has to do it or accept her house is mess?

So he expects you to do 100% of the house work and childcare stuff, like an old-fashioned stay-at-home-wife, but he also expects you to pay 50% of everything, like a modern independent equal partner.
That is called having his cake and eating it. It is totally unreasonable to want it both ways. Either he provides all the money, or he does 50% of the housework and childcare while you go to work full time.

He is also bullying you. And coercing sex. And isolating you from contact with family and friends.

In short, he is a misogynistic abuser.

You need to end it.
See a solicitor to discuss a practical way forward.

He’s being emotionally abusive to you. I second the person who recommended the Lundy Bancroft book (available free as an pdf online). I’d build up your business as much as you can and get other ducks in a row to leave and try and tune him out in the meantime. Do you have anyone in real life you can confide in? That might be helpful to get some validation that he’s being unreasonable. It really chips away at you.

And most husbands do not act like this. Or if they do it’s not ok. You must feel so worn down by the constant criticism. My DP has a stressful physical self employed job so he doesn’t get much time off and often has to work weekends. On the weekends we do have together we see family, take DD swimming, take the dog for walks and for a coffee, go to a garden centre for a mooche etc and he washes up, does laundry, does DD’s bedtimes and baths etc as he knows all that is on me during the week (I work pt).

When children were small I had to leave the house at 7.15am so for many years I never did a morning nursery or school run and he had to deal with getting them up. I collected them from school. I did dinner, he almost always did bedtime so he could see them, he did more laundry. I was working 25 hours a week compared to his 50 to 60. We would then have a bit of time together and then he would go in to his home office and do some work.

At the weekend we did stuff as a family but he would also do a bit of work. He does earn a lot. He paid for a cleaner in those long hours career building years.

This has been a really sad read. Please begin making plans to leave him. I know how utterly heartbreaking that is from the perspective of your children, but you matter, your life matters – you only get one. And your children deserve to grow up with at least one happy, confident parent. Not one who is gradually being eaten away at.

You ask many times what do other husbands do. My husband is a CFO and works a lot, yet ... he does all drop offs and two pick ups a week. He takes our son to two sports clubs at the weekend. He gives me a lie in for as long as I want every Sunday. He sorts off of our kids' GP and dentist appointments. He does half of all household chores. He comes to every family outing and takes them out on their own all the time (at least weekly). He comes to every school appointment. I do the bulk of the cooking but he always offers in case I'm too tired. He buys me flowers once a month. I could go on.

You don't deserve this awful life he is giving you.

Why would he want to leave though? Sounds like he has a pretty cushy life where he doesn’t have to lift a finger. It really depends if you want to keep living this way.

He doesn't sound like he brings anything to the table, let him sit at a table somewhere else, get maint for the kids, peaceful life.

Do you think a latge dose of growing up is required here.ridiculous behaviour?

ehh wtf have i read - i complain about doing more than my husband in the house - but it's no where near as bad as this - more like oh i clean the bathroom more than him or i do more laundry - or ive done more kids bedtimes than you this week - you need to do more etc

your situation is insane - we tag team the weekend lie ins - tag team who takes kids to swim lesson so we each get a break

we take turns cooking

i dont do his laundry he does his own

i would dump my husband if he was like this and i deffo wouldnt have made it 6 years in nor had a second child with someone like this

how is he adding anything to your life

He is acting like a child, stop doing his cooking and washing. Tell him you’ll start again when he’s learnt to respect you.
my ex was similar, life is so much easier as a single parent.

No..his behaviour unacceptable. The only thing YABU about is putting up with this behaviour. He is your husband and honestly it was like reading about my 13 year old!

Well he certainly doesn't want to be a father, that's clear.

He sounds delightful 🙄….! Has he always been this way? How was he with the children when they were babies? ……….hang on……I think I know the answer……..he left all the child rearing to you OP!
I think you've married a petulant teenager who has no pride in his living environment and no intention of developing his social skills! Move on, you deserve better.

Woah! Back up! How is it that YOUR salary was the only one responsible for childcare while HE got to save a lot of money? And how is it that YOU, even working a corporate job, had so much housework that you had to quit to be at home, while HE got to do no housework AND complain about how you do the housework.

Major red flags here. You are being backed into a corner where you are being starved of the financial means to escape from his financial control, while he saves money by keeping it separate from the marital funds.

Whether he moans about the laundry is only relevant insofar as it leads you to stop doing what you need for your financial security. If you are feeling like you can't run your new business because you have to fold laundry, then that is the problem. You need to get yourself back to financial security and then start looking at whether this is an abusive situation.

leave him. Like right now. That’s ridiculous behavior.

You’re basically living like a single Mum but without the pleasure of a free peaceful head … I’ve been there and honestly once it was just me and children I felt so much better as I was doing all the work before but with a ton of resentment… once I was free it felt absolutely joyous … I’d tell him things change immediately and he pulls his weight or it’s over!

I was single for a couple of years then met my now DH who is a joy and we’ve been happily “sharing” the load and welcoming all in to a very happy house. It’s everything you and your children deserve and you want to provide a good model for them if what a happy relationship should look like
Big Hugs x

WHY do women accept this?!

The children and house aren't your little hobby or luxury.

Those costs should always be split equally according to the ratio of your earnings.

What would your life look like if you left/divorced?
Could you manage financially?

At the lowest point of my marriage I would daydream about divorce and selling our house (which I absolutely love) and buying a little flat just me and the kids and living my life exactly how I want, without the eggshells or required permission to do what I want.

I'm still here, but while there are similarities with our situations, he never blames me for the state of the house etc. He will join our weekend plans often now - as I just started living life without him and I think he got FOMO. Or more likely got scared I would leave him.

I actually found in hugely beneficial mentally to work out that I could afford to leave. I wouldn't have the house, but I would have been ok. And until I sat down and crunched the numbers I didn't realise this. It was freeing, I felt less trapped and staying became a choice. My behaviour became a choice, as I wasn't trying to keep the peace constantly.

It sounds dire tbh, you only have one life.

No, no job excuses his behaviour.
Imagine how much harder his life would be without you to do it all for him.
And how much easier yours would be.
LTB.

You tell him you would like a trial separation with him having the kids 50/50. Tell him his attitude and general demeanour toward you is the issue and you are already trying to raise two children and picking up where his mother left off to raise a man child wasn’t on your bucket list. Suggest he move out as soon as possible.