My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

He sounds unbearable.

Jesus wept. Leave the miserable sod. Moaning about you not cooking. He's a grown man. He knows where kitchen and the cooker is. Off ya pop.

I guess his very important job pays very well, so he has savings and will need to pay lots of CMS.

He will so enjoy 50/50 when you split up and divorce.

Do you really want a life like this
for you
and for your children...

What a nasty little man. I would never wash another shirt of his as long as I live. How much does he actually earn? If it’s a penny less than £200k he’s taking the piss. And if it’s more than that he can still do his own damn laundry and stop moaning.

Why on earth are you still with him. It sounds like he's been grinding you down and making your life harder for years. I'd start working out a plan for how you can become a happy solo mum.

Why did he have kids if he didnt want to be a father. It doesnt even sounds like he wants anything to do with any of you. Im sorry.

Oh I really feel for you. He should absolutely not be saving while you're spending all your money on household expenses. Does he pay 50/50 for childcare? Or better yet, proportionally based on earnings?

He sounds like an absolute loser. Shit husband. Shit dad. There is no job that is so this stressful or tiring. Presumably if he was single he'd have to clean up his own mess and make his own food? I strongly suggest you kick him out so this absolute man-child can enter the adult world. I assume he is capable at work, is nice to colleagues even when they might annoy him. So why can't he offer the same to you?

It sounds like you've let him erode all your confidence and left you doubting yourself. You a smart woman. You and the kids will be happier with him gone. Fill your house with joy and friends. Life is short.

Christ, OP, just divorce him. Your life will be much better.

No.
No excuse.
Ignoring the fact he doesnt pull his weight....
He doesnt want to spend time with his wife and kids at a weekend.

Get out, you'll feel better

What have I read? He's blaming you for everything he's not happy with in his life! If he can't cope with his big job to this extent and won't pay for a cleaner, etc then he needs to leave his job and find something more conducive to family life.

What can you do?

Well stop doing his laundry and sorting.

Stop cooking for him.

ignore his whining.

then tell him if he doesn’t like being in the family home as a partnership he’s more than welcome to leave it.

He sounds very unhappy and unsatisfied and is taking it out on you.

You can either knuckle down for the short term and hope that this will pass or you can start on an exit strategy.

My husband definitely reverts to the traditional ‘I make the money’ trope but I am swift to remind him that my sacrifice in terms of career progression has been his gain in terms of freedom to pursue his. At this point he backs down.

He works in security so can be out the house for about 17hrs sometimes. He can cook, he cleans, he has looked after all 4 of our sons & never had to ring me and ask me what to do or where anything is. He can use a washing machine, he can do any DIY, fix anything on a car.
He is messy & forgetful at times but he has ADHD (he is also painfuly slow at getting ready) so I sometimes know it's not done on purpose. He is basically like a 6'6 giddy labrador puppy. He loves anyone he meets.

@weekendfail what stood out to me from your posts was that you prefer it when he’s not around. That says it all, he has to buck up his ideas or leave.

I had one like your husband, difference was he used to hit me if I didn’t pick up after him.

One time he was away with work and I realised how lovely and peaceful life was without him, I slowly made plans to leave and thankfully did.

You know his behaviour isn’t normal or acceptable and why should you put up with this crap, he adds nothing to your life.

He acts as if he's a teenager. Mum did everything and you are the new mother. Stunted development, never grown up. Really we should be able to extract men's sperm at birth and only give it back to them after they have passed rigorous testing. One question being "Are you aware that your children are 50% yours?" Invoice him half the amount of childcare you've paid for.

Oh boo hoo to your H @weekendfail

My H had a “stressful” big job when the children were young, I didn’t work (both of our choices) so money was tight and the financial pressure was all on H. Ok maybe there was more leeway with time, I didn’t sweat the laundry or housework (which sometimes still was last minute because playing and engaging with toddlers takes all the time unless they nap which is an hour or two)

So we were both on it from dawn to dusk.

Little time for lie-ins, exercise, being ill, lying on the sofa.

H used to come home after a 10/11 hour day and read to them at bedtime because that was usually the only time he saw them weekday evenings, if they were asleep before he came home he was gutted.

We would make him drive to go weekend camping, he took them to the weekend class birthday parties and football every weekend and training. Had visitors, went visiting, had play dates, meet ups, unexpected guests. We are human beings, social animals, you can get relaxation from social interaction. And who cares if that is what the kids want or need?

Is your H going to put his own wants and needs aside and be a fucking dad or not?

Not once, not one time did H ever complain or take out stress on our two children. Ever. Occasionally we might say “daddy’s tired can we chill and watch a film” (yes that was great but they still piled on him)

And now, now they are older teens and those days are past, he doesn’t regret a single moment of tiredness.

I just didn’t put up with a second of his bullshit when it came to being a dad, the dad our children needed, the dad he said he would be when we very much agreed to have children together.

He could complain and stress to me his wife. I could take it, help, but not his, our children.

So my advice would be to sit him down and say
“What sort of dad do you want to be? Because I need to know”

and see what he says

no argument no judgement

just information

see what he says and take it from there

In my experience a lot of fathers work longer hours but when they aren't working are present and involved with family life. That's the minimum expectation if you choose to have children.

What an absolute lazy, moody, selfish arsehole he is. Is there any reason other than financial to stay with him? Because he sounds a miserable prick who treats you like a despised servant.

Is he the prime minister? King of the world? How stressful is his job, genuinely? No job excuses the behaviour your have described but if he’s a brain surgeon or something then I might have different advice to offer he’s a middle manager at a marketing company.

Me too.

He’s wanting to hopefully teach you to keep your mouth shut, buckle down and just accept his shit behaviour, and hopefully be little women at home to serve his needs. It sounds like it could be working as you sound exhausted by it all.
Do not pick up after him, and DO NOT under any circumstances give up your business.

Mine travels. A LOT. Often across multiple time zones in one trip. I work full time in a mid senior global job.

When he’s home (often from the moment he lands)

• alternates every bedtime
• takes the toddler out every weekend morning so I can be alone
• cleans more than I do
• Does washing and ironing
• makes breakfast every morning for the toddler
• would happily host and often makes plans to do so

He sounds bloody awful OP. What does he add to your life?

Your husband very well might have a stressful job, but he's using his job, to opt out of family life. As far as he's concerned your role should be to run and maintain the home, whilst he goes to work. He sees no value in your work, and in fact believes it unimportant. Your role in the family, is to make life easier for him.

In short, he's an arsehole. Not only is he an arsehole but he's a miserable, boring and sexist one too. I think he's unhappy, that might be with his job or generally how life is, and is taking those frustrations out on you. Unfortunately, he's the only person who can make changes to make life better for himself.

You need a proper, honest conversation with him. Tell him that he's miserable, grumpy, critical and disengaged with family life. That he's become unbearable, and unless he's prepared to make changes, then your marriage won't survive. Tell him that his critical, complaining and whining behaviour isn't something you are willing to tolerate any longer.

Personally, I'd gathered as much paperwork as you can, and make an appointment to see a solicitor. You need to see where you stand, if you should divorce. Sadly, I don't think your husband will make any changes; in which case you will need to make a decision regarding your marriage and future.

LTB