My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

My husband cooks at least three nights of the week and he’s used to cooking for fire crews - so he cooks a ton and we have leftovers through the week. He brings laundry down and actually does it. He washes the cars. Helps keep the house tidy and manages lawn work exclusively. He has never once criticised my cooking or housekeeping. The kids are my step children and when they are here he’s up and doing activities with them - they are teenagers. He knows how to use all of the household appliances. He also does grocery shopping (something I hate).

My husband had a stressful job. He doesn’t treat me like 💩.

Why would you do that? That’s financial abuse territory.

This isn’t normal. I know how it can become to feel normal and how you can make excuses - my exH became like this when he got bored of parenting.
some people are just not cut out for the reality of family life and don’t feel the good of being a parent outweighs the workload.
I was at least financially independent and could leave. Unless your business is a sure thing on a short timeframe then consider going back to well paid employment with a pension. You can’t afford to make yourself dependent on him.
My house was much tidier once it was just me and dc. Its physically tiring being single parent but mentally a lot lighter than having a moody manchild funsucker to deal with.
My dc were older and I left when they began to copy him and speak to me the same negative way. Don’t let this be the role model for your dc’s relationships. You aren’t shielding them from it as much as you think and when they get old enough to answer back and challenge him he will be giving them the same negative treatment he’s giving you. His lack of interest in them will also damage their self esteem. I wish I had got my dc out when they were younger.

What do other DHs do at weekends? Mine will feed the kids and make easy meals for us (eg pizza, by which I mean chill cabinet pizza rather than home-made). I will make more involved meals like roasts. He also takes our youngest DC to an activity most weeks and deals with all the “thinking” around it (eg getting kit together). He will, without being asked, do garden jobs like gathering up the leaves/mowing the lawn depending on the time of year. He will put washing away and do stuff like bathing the DC or supervising showers. He does some life admin (I do most of it).

Things he will not do without being explicitly asked: a full food shop, clean the kitchen or bathroom (he will unload the dishwasher or do washing up), dust, laundry, replace an empty toothpaste tube even if no human could possibly get any more out of it…. I do more around the house but I also work less.

I will say that my DH is not very social and would eye roll if I insisted on us all socialising with others at the weekend but he would be quietly tolerant of the DC having friends over as long as I “ran” the play date, if that makes sense.

OP, relationships aren't about 'standing up' to someone, are they? Please also don't apologise about the fact that your house isn't 'pristine'. Mine isn't and that's not a goal of mine. I make it tolerable for visitors but otherwise it is lived in, because we do just that.

Does he do anything redeeming? He sounds like he has forgotten you are a person, if I am honest. I don't think anything you do would please him, from what you have said.

Personally I think I might very calmly suggest that if he wants to live somewhere pristine without the interruptions of family life, he might like to move out to a place of his own. Would he like to go and stay with his mum/mate while he thinks about it?

I cannot see how your life would be worse without him. You are trying to have family life whilst he is living like a teenager, moaning to their mum about not sorting out their laundry. He doesn't respect your contribution to his life or your career. You deserve to live in a place where you can have friends around whenever you like without the person who is supposed to be your biggest support making you socially isolated with his behaviour.

Lots of people work full time in tiring jobs and spring out of bed delighted to spend their Saturday with their wife and children. If my DH thought our house was a tip, he'd start tidying, not berate me, and he works full time vs my part time. He would never use it as a reason to expect me to do all domestic chores.

I think you are being seriously shortchanged here and I was troubled that you seem to be taking some of his views to heart. If he wants to spend weekends on his phone in his bedroom, I think he needs one of his own in another house. Sorry, OP. I don't think this is down to you at all.

Can you picture yourself with this man forever? I highly doubt it. You need to make solid steps towards leaving him. Sure, he’ll play the martyr but who cares? You can’t go on like this, it’s no life and he won’t change.

What’s the point of him?

ffs @weekendfail

Sex pest
Lazy
Shit dad

Why are you still with him?!

I grew up with my dad like this. We spent every weekend treading on eggshells to what mood he would be in. We had Christmases where he showed no interest in the presents we were opening, he'd eat his dinner away from us and would sulk. You might be sheltering your children from his verbal abuse but they will still be aware of the situation. My mum waited until I was 18 and my brother 16 before she finally walked out on him. I hated her for it at the time as we were left with him, however 20 years on she is more open now I have a family of my own and I can understand her reasons for staying etc. Honestly I wish she'd left my dad whilst we were young and we'd lived in a council house just surviving than years of egg shells. I have a relationship with my dad as an adult but I don't have fond memories of childhood.

Now I'm married with a wonderful DH. If either of us are struggling we communicate and take out selves away for a short time. We share the load and mix it up to family days out or taking the pressure off by taking one kid out for example. DH has had a really stressful period at work recently, I took the kids out for most of the weekend to give him some time to decompress. Then when it let up he encouraged me to go away for a few nights which I did. I am currently on long term sick at the moment and he absolutely wouldn't shout at me for not having put something away or running out of food before food shop delivery despite me being at home all day.

Please really consider what he is bringing to this relationship both as a partner and a parent to your children.

Blimey, was it ever good between you two? Did he used to help or has he always been a 1950's husband? How awful for you and the DC. Even if he's struggling he needs to talk about it, get help etc - it's no excuse to be a shit husband and father. If the love has gone and he's crap to live with you need to make plans to leave.

Ugh. I would go for the short sharp shock treatment and tell him to FO out of the house for a couple of weeks because you have had enough. Let him know how he's been behaving. Remind him that you work, and you gave up a great job to help him. Make him go and you'll have one less person to cook and clean for, and also space to live without him breathing down your neck because his standards aren't being met, the selfish arse. Who knows, you might even like it more.

As others have said, he has ceased to view you as a person. I've been guilty of facilitating the same - because you love someone, you do everything to make their life easier, especially if they have a stressful job. But the downside is that they then become selfish and entitled - 'I'm the great provider, I deserve this and more', and you lose yourself and what you want out of life.

Honestly, you need a massive reset. If he wants to be part of your lovely family then he has to pull his weight. Presumably the kids weren't virgin births, in which case he is also responsible for them. And if he doesn't want to clean 50:50, he can cough up for a cleaner. So - time to man up and confront him. No more of this - it isn't normal and you deserve so much more.

What sort of home do you want the kids in?

Seriously, take 5 minutes and come up with 5-10 points (no fighting is a good starter).

Compare those to the home they’re actually in and the relationship that is being role modelled to them at the minute.

That will help guide you as to whether something needs to change or whether you need to operate differently (as you can only change your behaviours, not anyone else’s).

Tell him he has to pay for a cleaner and a housekeeper then you can concentrate on your job then it’ll all be done when you get home. If that’s not doable, then tell him to fuck off.

My husband cooks tea every night and arranges the food shop. He will put a wash load on if he notices it needs doing before I do.

Our first conversation on a Saturday is about what we both want to achieve that day as he has his own list of jobs that he collates through the week and we work out together who is doing what to make sure those things can be achieved. We have one agreed weekend a month where we don’t seek to achieve anything and we relax / have a day out. He wouldn’t arrange the day out so I do that, but he wouldn’t complain if I didn’t.

He’s (and me) not very social so I arrange everything socially. He wouldn’t love it if I was inviting guests over regularly (nor would I tbh) but he would tolerate it if I did it every now and again.

I plan and arrange all the holidays and manage all the finances. He implements all the holiday logistics (eg joint packing things, driving).

He tidies as much as I do and wouldn’t ever blame me for a mess in our joint house that we are both jointly responsible for, unless it was explicitly my mess (eg if I’ve left clothes on the floor, he might ask me to tidy it as I know what’s clean/dirty/where it goes better than he does).

What an utter arse.

What does he actually contribute to your life? He constantly puts you down, he doesn't want to do anything, he is lazy and boring.

This 100% - he wants a housekeeper, not a family. I don’t imagine he will ever change so you need to decide if you can put up with it. Awful man.

If his lack of engagement in family life is due his vey stressful job then suggest he get a new job. One that won't leave him so drained at the weekend.

Excei sense no motivation to change and no accountability, so I imagine you will getthe response that his job is mega important and essential and it's actually you who are the problem in some way, because you are unreasonable to want him to show some interest in his family and do some of the parenting and household tasks.

Just tell him you want a divorce. He will either have some sort of awakening and make changes or he won't.

I think in your shoes OP, I would probably consider going back to corporate life, where you can earn enough to support yourself, and the kids if necessary, and then leave. I realise it would be a shame to leave your own business, but I think at this stage in your life, it is more important to be able to rid yourself of this man child, who expects to use you as his personal slave.

I also think that leaving him would be beneficial not just to you, but to your children too, as he's basically teaching them that it's OK to shout at your partner, treat them like shit, and expect them to not only work, but also to do everything that's necessary to the running of a home. None of which will do them any favours in time to come.

I'm sorry you've landed yourself with a man like him, but you've clearly had enough, so now is the time to start making plans to leave him.

In the meantime though, I would stop cooking for him, cleaning up his mess, and doing his washing for him, and when he starts getting cross about it, just tell him that you're no longer prepared to be his personal slave, he doesn't want to participate in family life, so he doesn't get to be treated like a family member.

I hope that you will follow the advice on here, and get rid of this man, as the longer you leave it, the more of your life you are wasting.

sigh. He sounds …difficult. But if you don’t want to throw the whole man out, maybe there could be some tweaks that make everything better for everyone.

Couple ideas… could it be in budget to hire someone to clean/ sort laundry during the week, so it removes some of the burden on weekends?

Also, after you pick up the kids, are you still working, or is there a window of time you could schedule to get some of those things done? Maybe set aside 30 minutes of an evening for sorting the laundry, tidy, etc.

Did he react the same before you went to work for yourself? Or could some of his attitude be because if you are currently contributing less financially, you should be focusing more on taking care of the housework, so everybody enjoys more free time? Not saying his attitude is right, but maybe if you understand where it comes from, it might be easier to find solutions.

For example- if the business isn’t making a ton of money, would it be feasible to rearrange so you work on it 4 days a week, and leave a weekday to work on the household? It might be worth it if it doesn’t impact your business and improves your home life.