My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

This isn't a family life is it OP? It's not a relationship full of love, even when things are hard. It's an angry man who's checked out of family life and is just looking to offload everything he doesn't like on to you. It's horrible for you and a pretty bad environment for DC.

You need to work on a plan to leave. Whether that's building up your freelancing or looking for another corporate gig and using more childcare. But plan for a life without him. Go and see a solicitor to find out what things might look like when you split, then make a plan and bide your time. In the meantime, ignore him as much as you can and don't have any expectations of him, just organize your life as though he's not there.

Did he agree to you starting a business OP ?Even if he didn't he's behaving appallingly.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing

Tell us how that transition happened. Did you discuss it and agree to it with some parameters around it to define success/failure? How long you'd give it. How much time/££ you'd invest into it etc.

I'm left wondering if it was a joint decision with both of you keen on the idea or a fait accompli. Just because the rationale for doing it seems to come down to a benefit for you rather than for the family.

Not saying it's an excuse for being a knob, but I might be resentful if my partner did similar.

I can kind of relate to your dh although I don't carry it out. I would love to stay at home all day at weekends and chill after working all week but when you have kids it's not possible. He needs to parent his kids. They need/want to get out and normally have some sort of party or sport etc. I can also see his point about not wanting people round. It's sometimes a lot of effort and creates extra mess. Our friends kids often trash the place. Could you meet them at the park or soft play instead? Aside from that he needs to start doing his fair share. His attitude stinks. It sounds like you need a break.

Sounds so very similar to my ex. Throw him back, you will realise how wonderful and peaceful and tidy your life and home will be without him. You will have a whole less child to manage! I have an incredible husband now. You can too!

He sounds absolutely vile. Can you work out how you can afford to leave him.

Tell him to sod off. He is a self centred pig. Full Stop. You are amazing keeping this altogether and building your business. The children will eventually see him as as one trick pony.

Ditch this dead head and enjoy what you are and have with your amazing life and children.

An absolute perfect response!

What do other husbands do ? Give me some examples of how they behave please?

Jesus Christ I divorced my first husband for less!

Kindly, stop being a doormat it’s a terrible example for your children to see their mother putting up with being treated like that and you are going to reach resentment and breaking point very soon!

If you have never brought this up with him before then I’d start there and tell him he changes or you are divorcing him but if you’ve given him chances in the past then I think you know where I’m headed!

I was going to ask did he have a mum that did everything for him!

So you're a maid that also has to meet his demands for sex by the sounds of it.

Perhaps he is waiting for you to give him an ultimatum. My DH is similar and I did give him an ultimatum and said I'd had enough treading on egg shells, he clearly wasnt happy, and he needed to decide if it was a mother or wife he wanted as I felt like his mum.

Do not even think of doing his laundry. Take the kids out somewhere nice all day at weekends and let him sort himself out. And there is no way Id have sex with someone that grumpy! Huge ick.

If he doesnt want to participate in family life then he doesnt deserve you doing family chores like laundry and cooking.

Why are you sorting through his clean/dirty stuff? Hes a grown man, that would be such a turn off.

He's a bully, Op. If you're so bad at housework tell him to do it himself. Of course this won't happen. If I were you I'd be spending my time making plans to leave this selfish misogynistic man, and as soon as everything was in place I'd be off, so you and the children can enjoy your life in peace. Alternatively, tell him to leave if he doesn't like how things are.

Like far too many men, he doesn't like family life. He basically wants to be a single bloke. Can't say I blame him, but he should've thought of that before he brought 2 kids into the world and got married. It doesn't sound like he's going to suddenly see the light OP so maybe you should consider your options.

He's going to love having the kids every other weekend.

Please start planning now for a life where you won't have the stress of living with a man who thinks you're the hired help.

We own everything 50/50.

I always contributed 50 percent to everything, until a couple of years ago- as it was hard to hold down a corporate job while accommodating his work schedule. So I spent all my money on childcare. Whilst he saved his. For the last few months, he’s been paying for everything.

I was making half of what he makes and basically spending it all on cleaners, child care, food, kids clothes, takeaways. He managed to save quite a bit.

I think you're being unreasonable being his servant when he's completely checked out of your family life and wants you to stay at home so you can be a better servant.

He's a shit husband and a shit parent. He's mean and shouting. Your kids need to get out and interact with people and also having your and their friends over to the house is normal socializing. Your husband wants to deny that necessary socializing for both you and your kids. That's not healthy. He's teaching them that laying around when he's home and the woman does everything is a valid relationship model. He seems to dislike everything about family life other than you doing domestic work for him. You get nothing.

Get out. Get your financial info, go see a lawyer as to what you would be entitled to in a divorce. You might have to go back to work rather than wait around for your business to make a profit. But do not give up and stay home.

he has only been covering all our costs for a few months.

You need to.get your ducks in a row, starting with getting yourself into a stable financial position, even if it means putting the children into before/after school care. Good luck.

There's never an excuse for bullying Op. There's only one reason he's like this and that's because he's a nasty piece of work. The reason he says the house is a mess is because that gives him an excuse to leave stuff lying around, it doesn't mean it's true

I'm afraid that I agree with PP, OP. Contact a solicitor next week to understand the options available to you. No one needs to live the way that you're living.

Has he always been like this?
I'd personally find the night before too short notice to have another family round for dinner. I wouldn't stomp around about it but I would feel anxious.

This isn't right at all - he doesn't value or respect you OP. On paper my situation is very similar to yours - my DH works in a stressful long hours job, while I work flexibily on my own business for not a big income. I'm also not the best at housekeeping & keeping on top of the clutter! (Though DH is quite messy too). But my DH is always supportive of me and never critical - he's grateful I do all the day to day school runs / packing / admin etc. At weekends, he's keen to get out and about, spending time together at a family.

I think you need to have a hard think about whether the pros outweigh the cons of staying together. Without him I'm sure it will be financially tougher in the short to medium term; but can you stay with him long term without destroying your self esteem? He doesn't sound like a good person to be around. Would the kids even miss him? It doesn't sound like he spends much time with them?

When mine were little we’d split the weekend mornings, one would lie in, the other sort kids out, which usually involved a trip to a park. Then vice versa, then do one thing as family, cinema, theatre, music, sport, bowling, visiting family etc. We’d also share the chores, we had a list with rooms, chores and responsibility. He was the SAHP for a while, I viewed that as working full time. I wanted to be with my family. I’m not rubbing it in, it’s just you asked. Don’t be bullied into making your life smaller.

You need to leave, love. You don't deserve to be treated like shit and you'll be so much happier just you and the kids.