My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

Omg I would hate my children to think that this is normal life. He sounds like a child,

mum getting put down, mum doing all the cooking and cleaning and looking after the children while dad shouts abuse, stays in bed and does fuck all wih his children.

this is not normal, yeah it’s lovely to have an odd weekend doing not much but every weekend .

you aren’t a family, you just live in the same home.

Sorry OP this is really shit for you. I had a dad like this who was horrible and made everyone miserable when we were together. The energy in the house would shift so much when he left for work, it was like we could all finally breathe. He wasn't abusive as such, but he did make everyone feel on edge and it's a feeling I still remember today.

The only reason I don't say divorce the arsehole now, is that he sounds incapable of looking after the poor kids on his own.

This is so, so bad for your children to witness. Take one of your working days and go see a solicitor- you don’t have to act, but you’ll understand what the position is. If it turns out you can afford to leave now and it’ll all be ok, see if you feel relief. That will tell you everything you need to know. You will think you’re hiding the atmosphere from them because it’s not a screaming row but you aren’t. What you are describing is an abusive relationship, you deserve more and they deserve more.

You are pretty much a married single mother, so start acting like it for real. Pretend he isn’t there. Don’t do his laundry, don’t buy anything special for him, don’t cook dinner at a time that suits him unless it suits you too. Don’t invite him on family outings. Give him the peace he so desperately wants, and see how he likes it.

In the meantime, can you go back to your higher paid corporate job?

He doesn’t sound like he would make an effort to see the children with the attitude he has anyway.

What JOY does he bring into your life OP?

His attitude and behaviour is clearly unacceptable, and I wouldn’t be able to respect anyone who acted like that when there were a partner/parent.

But … if you’re spending time every day on a business that isn’t making money I can see how that could make someone stressed/resentful. Or give him the (incorrect) view that he’s exempt from domestic work because he’s making all the money.

If I were you I’d get back into paid employment. Then it will be undeniable that the financial and domestic loads should be equally spread. And you’ll be in a better position if things turn even more sour.

OP this man is a coercive controller and the longer you leave it the worse it will get. He is nagging for sex for gods sake! Being mean if you don’t feel like it! What are you, a sex appliance ? Never mind sex being consensual it’s supposed to be actively enjoyable- for you just as much as him. He seems to think it’s a service he is entitled to along with room service, domestic service, child care and everything else while he sits on his arse complaining.
Split with him. You are doing all the work anyway! The only difference you will notice is the moaning and complaining - and unwanted sex ugh- will stop. I can’t see this one picking up 50% of childcare so you will get maintenance via CMS.
Good luck OP

I agree that he sounds depressed and that sex frequency is bound into this, but how on earth are you supposed to want to have sex with him…? And how is he supposed to get better if he won’t see a doctor, won’t go out, won’t engage with his family?

Ive no doubt that he is jealous that you are forging your own path, and his hours do sound long. Is he more worried about money than he’s letting on? But despite all this it’s not ok for him to behave like this. Tbh it sounds as if you want completely different lives.

Get a babysitter and go to the pub, have a proper state of the nation discussion? But I would check the legal situation first.

From your post alone it sounds like the absolutely only thing he contributes to you and your children is his earnings - no company, no kindness, no empathy or fun.

If his only contribution is financial then - assuming that 1) you are married and 2) that he’s an employee ( so can’t easily conceal or reduce his earnings) you may be better off divorcing him - you would still have his financial contribution but none of the negativity. Maybe just bite the bullet and see a lawyer.

If there’s a risk you would be substantially less well off financially, bide your time discreetly building your business and making your plans.

Life is short OP, don’t waste any more time on this man. Make plans to split, you owe it to yourself and your children.

Stop tidying up after him.
Stop doing his laundry.
Stop cooking for him.
No more sex - there's nothing attractive about someone verbally abusive who can't pick their dirty pants up from the floor.

Leave the kids with him next weekend for a whole morning or afternoon feed them sugar first just to make sure they're bouncing off the walls

Concentrate on your career - you're going to need it.

You know that separation then divorce wil be next.

Leave. He won’t change. Imagine living in a nice flat/house where you can have friends over whenever you want. It’s only your mess and the kids. No criticism.

You say you don’t want the kids living with you fighting all the time but they will have picked up that you don’t like each other. They are listening to the constant criticisms and put downs. Just because it’s not shouting doesn’t mean it’s any better

Apparently, from the OPs initial message...

...the family income (almost completely)

If there’s a risk you would be substantially less well off financially, bide your time discreetly building your business and making your plans.

^ and this, with bells on.

Bloody hell, are you me? He sounds exactly like my partner

I’d be having some time away from the house without the kids & distractions of home asap, to have a heart to heart with him.

If he feels that the house is already in a state ask him how HE thinks that can be resolved.
So “that’s the problem DH so what’s the solution?” and see what HE comes up with.

Id start using terms like “team playing” and if he works in a managerial role ask him how he’d be “managing” what he thinks is not going well indoors.

List all the chores you do without help versus the chores he does.

Try to get inside his head. Step back from picking up after him. See how he likes not having a clean shirt and so forth. Just dump his detritus into a big cardboard box beside his of the bed; clothes, trainers, man stuff etc. Anything he leaves lying around.

He’s treating you like “staff”. It’s got to stop. If it doesn’t you need a plan B under development to get out of your marriage as soon as it suits you.

He's a complete and utter asshole. You need to have a SERIOUS talk with him. He's treating you like absolute shit.

Of course there isn't!
He's emotionally abusing you and it's just so depressing reading these type of posts of men not only opting out of family life with children I presume they wanted....but being abusive to. Please don't let your children grow up in this environment.

So leave him

I know plenty of people with really major stressful jobs who do not behave like this. I suggest next time he kicks off you tell him that when he earns as much as the Chairman of ICI and can buy in that level of household support he can start complaining but that until he does he can shut up and tidy up like every other Mr average. I would also say that if it isn't in the laundry basket you won't wash it (introduce that as a rule for the DC too and then say - but the DC can do it so why can't you?) Also the phrase "feel free" goes a long way - when he comlains something is messy "feel free to tidy up" when you come home with DC and he complains he's hungry "feel free to go and cook for us all darling" etc - I found this worked very quickly to stop the whinging.

Why the actual fuck are you doing a grown man's washing? How dare he dictate when you do HIS fucking washing. Seriously grow a back bone OP!

I did this and it actually worked. He felt left out and started to step up/join in.
I’ve had to accept no guests though. It makes him very disregulated. Some times we go to visit other people. Sometimes I take the kids away to friends for the weekend but the problem with that now is they have clubs/activities so hard when they’re older.

Ps. Book a solo week away every year.