My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

@weekendfail he sounds like a teenager living with his parent, but a disrespectful one at that!

He sleeps in and comes down wondering why no one’s has cooked food for him (yet!), chucks his shoes in the cupboard (well why shouldn’t he, it’s all a mess anyway!), dirty and clean clothes all over the place and has zero responsibilities so moans if dragged out with the family.

He’s still mentally a teenage child when it comes to domestic life. Can hold down a job but everything else must be done for him.

@weekendfail apart from money, he’s not adding any value to your family life. I write this whilst hearing my DH unload the dishwasher, after having put a load of washing on and having cooked Sunday dinner for his family. Your DH needs a kick up the back-side. Get your financial ducks in a row and LTB!

No.

And you know that.

You are with a man who doesn’t want to be a husband or father. Leave him.

He works a full time senior role. When they were small he got up early and did them breakfast, did their hair, took them to nursery while I went to work early and I then did the pickup. We share household chores. I probably do more cleaning stuff but he does more with helping with homework, art projects etc.

What a miserable, lazy bastard. Life is short OP, don't let him ruin yours.

What is his job? I cant really imagine anything that excuses that. I wouldn't accept this from a neurosurgeon, from an undercover police officer, from an active duty soldier.

It’s so reassuring to hear these stories of proper grown up adulting men. I hear so many of the opposite I lose faith in anything changing. There is hope and here is proof that penises don’t stop you adulting properly. Hurrah.

You don't have a marriage or a partnership.

You have a domestic arrangement where you are the maid, the assistant and the sex worker. He's using you.

He's not depressed, he's abusive.

I hope you will wake up to the fact that you deserve a lot better than this.

What would happen if you just stopped? Stop doing his washing, stopped doing his meal because he doesn’t like it anyway?

I know you said you don’t challenge it because it ends up in an argument and you don’t want the kids growing up in that, but your kids are learning how women are treated in a marriage.

You have had some LTBs and I can see why. This seems abusive from what you’ve said. It’s certainly not respectful and kind.

I think it might be a good idea to read Fair play by Eve Rodesky. Really quick and easy listen or read. Afterwards have a think about how things are divided up.

Your financial position is a little precarious so it might be worth hanging on until you have a steady income.

One way of lessening your load is to stop doing his washing unless it’s in the laundry bin. Stop cooking for him as he doesn’t like it. Step back from what you can.

If he leaves his stuff around gather it up and dump it on his bed. Keep your space nice.

As for socialising and hosting. Your house, your choice too. Keep up friendships. You’ll need them and it’s a chance for you to be you. Don’t let him bully you into not seeing people.

Oh love, this is my first LTB too.

What does my husband do? He works full time in a stressful job where he commutes into the city. Yet we still manage to split the school drop off and pick up 50/50. I’m self employed and he earns more than me but he is very supportive of my career. He drives us everywhere we need to be. He takes my son to tutoring once a week. He cooks, cleans, hoovers and does ALL of he ironing … he encourages me to go out and see friends … we alternate who does bedtime each night so he did tonight and I do tomorrow night… he buys me flowers… he shares my sons passion for Lego and the two geek out for hours … if I say no to sex he respects that and will cuddle me till we fall asleep.

you deserve better.

My DP had a lazy day today. He had a lie in which he does every sat/sun unless we have plans, then a nap and watched the rugby.

He also took us out for breakfast, went for a family dog walk, played with the baby while I cooked dinner, then he did baby bed time and cleaned the kitchen.

Generally he does 100% of household admin (bills etc), cars, DIY and gardening. Does dishwasher/house reset every evening. He does 50%meal planning and cooking. He does top up shops if we are running low. We split everything else with me doing the majority of childcare, all overnight wakes, pet care, laundry and cleaning and food shop. He does moan about how messy the house is to be fair.
He works a stressful job 7-7 mon-fri with occasional weekend hours. I work 4 days a week.

OP your husband is lazy, mean and abusive, which im sure you know deep down. How long have you been together? Does he ever interact with the kids?

DH does 50% of all household chores and childcare and never says or does anything mean. Your DH sounds horrible, you deserve better.

What are you getting from this relationship? I’d rather be on my own that put up with this shit.

My DH is senior role and weekends we do everything together, we share chores and childcare and have family days out.
your DH wants a maid. And to crush you in the process. I could not live with him, I’d rather be divorced. Tell him either he sorts himself out or you need to split up. Oh and consider going back to a corporate role so you have enough of your own cash going forward

My DH wfh I’m out of the house but he does more hours. I work part-time.
he does one drop off a week. I do other drop offs and pick ups. We split taking kids to clubs probably 80/20 with me doing majority.
He does majority of the laundry and probably 60% of the cooking. Whoever doesn’t cook, cleans up.
General cleaning is probably 50/50.
We do bedtime together, I do the shopping.

Its a pretty equal split.

We do of course disagree, but he is always respectful, kind and never mean or rude.

Why are you with that horrible man?

This. Get a family member round and confront him.
Take the children away, get the divorce papers,
I'll help!!

Has he always been this way? Could he be depressed?

So what are you going to do about it? Before your kids grow up thinking it’s normal (it isn’t)

This

Well for starters he doesn’t act like a massive cunt like yours does 🤷🏻‍♀️

Either leave the bastard, or leave us out of it.

He seems does not want being married or having kids or friends or visits or anything. Is he autistic?

As well as your two kids you also have a teenager who contributes nothing (apart from money) and makes your life harder. What does he actually bring to your life? He creates extra work, tension and stress. It sounds like you are already doing everything on your own, so would splitting up actually be that bad? Life might actually be easier. And doesn’t sound like he enhances the kids life much. It can’t be nice for them witnessing this moany, depressing, begrudging man who is rude to their mum

Did he want kids OP?

What does he think being a fathers and a husband entails?

After reading your updates, I think you are on the brink of being emotionally abused. You are told that you are shit on every level. This is not what marriage is for.