My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

Life partners should be kind and generally supportive most of the time. That's how DH is. We do fight about cleaning sometimes because I think he should take more initiative but he will clean when I ask. He is not messy, I'm messier than him and he doesn't complain about it. He took on the main responsibility for food shopping a couple of years ago unprompted. He would never have a go at me for the state of the house or my parenting. And he has never once pressured me for sex. A no means no and there's no emotional guilt dipping at all. And due to childbirth and child rearing it's been.many months on end sometimes when I haven't been up for it. He doesn't feel entitled to my body or my labour and it sounds like your DH does. And even if all DHs were like this, I would be telling every married woman to get out of that relationship. Imagine how light you would feel without this human millstone around your neck.

Oh and he's very sociable and enjoys spending time with others, going out as a family and hosting. There is absolutely no way that he would spend his weekend watching TV. He watches a football match and that's it.

Agree. Horrific. Awful man.

What do your friends and family think of your DH?
He is not a good, kind or generous person.
It doesn’t sound like he is interested in building a relationship with his own children, but in any case, I’d be very concerned about the negative, abusive influence he is having on them.

OP I can’t wait for you to leave this twat,you’re going to feel so fantastic!!!!

Please, please leave this abusive man child. You and your children do not deserve or need to treated this way. You only live once!

Today my DP got up, made porridge for the kids, brought me a coffee, stuck on a load of washing, asked the kids to put away their clean stuff. Then I got up, we took them to the remembrance service with girl guides, walked around, got another coffee, picked them up. Drove as a family to meet one of his friends with a new baby (he had bought a card and gift) , spent the day with them. Got back, he put some pizzas in the oven. Made his own and DDs sandwiches for tomorrow. I supervised a bit of homework and piano practice. We all watched a film. I am off tomorrow and will give the house a sort and shop. When I am working, he will give the house a sort. We are a team? If one is tired/sick/feeling lazy, the other picks up the slack - but it has to work both ways. I would never do somebody's washing unless they also did mine.... Regardless of who is working/earning more. We have our issues and our house is always a mess, but that is an us not a me problem. He did have a mother who always did everything for him, but I am not her. I hope you are able to get out of this situation and into a better one where you are more valued. X

Tell him that as he has decided you are so rubbish at cooking, shopping, laundry etc you have decided that you won't do any of those for him in future, he can do it all himself as he's obviously so much better at it than you.

You poor girl. You're doing your utmost to keep it together for the sake of the children and in the meantime you are becoming downtrodden and emotionally abused. I wouldn't be able to breathe the same air as him never mind have sex with him. Believe me, your children will pick up on this atmosphere and how unhappy you are. He is ungrateful, spiteful, mean and most definitely a narcissist. Get your ducks in order, please get you and your children into a happier environment.

@weekendfail
My DP cooks every meal, plans all the meals and does the food shopping.
He hoovers the stairs and upstairs and cleans the shower.
He does school pick ups/drop offs, clubs, hobbies, competitions, whatever the kids are involved in, hes there if he can make it fit around his work. He puts washing away
He cleans both cars. He plays with the kids, does bedtimes, baths etc, he bakes with them....
Oh BTW he works TWO jobs

If i am struggling with tiredness, pr my period, he picks up the slack, asks if he can help.....and I do the same to him

We are a team

I would think it's normal to clean and do laundry during the week if kids were in school and you didn't work (our setup). However this is not your case and my dh knows how to put his laundry in the basket and he's the one doing the big weekly shop on his lunch break (he wants to do it because he's a control freak but I just smile and say knock your self out).

No, this is not normal at all. You should expect kindness and respect from your spouse. Yours sounds like a horrible cunt. I really hope it all works out for you as you and the kids deserve to be happy.

Good grief OP, he got to the 1950s and took a wrong turn didn't he? He is far from normal but then again, you never really hear about the good ones. He's clearly enabled by mummy dearest and expects you to do the same. Sounds to me like he contributes absolutely nothing to the well-being of you or your children - I suspect you would be far better off without him weighing you down like an anchor. What an absolute miserable twat. There are better men out there, much better, but I would say no man is better than that man.

At best he's cruel, at worst he's abusive.
He's bringing nothing positive to the relationship and needs to be moved out!
If you basically live separate lives, make it a formal arrangement. Stop doing anything for him. Look at what benefits you maybe entitled to as a single parent.

This is horrible, what an awful man.

He is bringing nothing to your relationship or as a father.

How does he think it’s ok to opt out of parenthood and marriage?

my god leave this arsehole and send him back to mummy. She’ll make sure to have all the bread for him and tidy up after him. You’ll feel like a weight is lifted getting rid of this dead weight.

My husband also has a stressful job and does loads with the kids and does jobs round the house, gets shopping in if needed etc etc.

whats the point of this loser?

But this way your kids will grow up and think that this is how a relationship looks like. And that it’s normal if a man treats his wife like shit and doesn’t care about his kids. Is that what you want?

your kids see his behavior. They are spectators and recipients of it. He is a constant negative presence in their house. What a burdensome way to grow up!

also you deserve better! As you asked: this is not normal behavior. My husband and our friends they all change nappies, cook for the kids in turns, drop them off at the daycare, take them out for a walk. My husband works FT, I work PT. We share the chores, I do more but he‘s definitely also doing regularly his part. He’s the one in our household who irons clothes. I hate doing it, he doesn’t mind. So he does his and my stuff. He comes home and is excited to spend time with our kid. He plays with him every evening and we do the bed routine alternately. He reads to him every night.

that’s what a partnership looks like.

even when you fight - and we do fight - you have respect for your partner and you see what they do for you and the family. They show you their love. Your husband doesn’t show any love - neither to you nor the kids. You all deserve more.

@weekendfail start thinking seriously about how separation would look. Inform yourself. The savings he has will be a joint asset if you are married, even if they are solely in his account. Work out what CMS you would get. Work on building up your village. He sounds like the kind of dad who will not want to spend much time with the DC if you split.

Because this is not good for you or the DC. And he clearly does not want to change. Your best option is to pull the pin while you can salvage your DC's childhoods.

I could write a list as long as my arm of all the things my DH did, he probably did more than me overall. But what he didn’t do, is whinge about the state of the house (I did the cleaning/tidying), leave me to pay for childcare when we both worked, fail to participate in family life or sulk if I didn’t want sex. He loved having a family and was fully involved.
So no, yours is not just how married life is.

Marriage is a partnership. Raising a family and running a home needs teamwork.

Paying the bills is equally as important as doing the shopping and cleaning house.

You need to prioritise yourself and your DC. If he's not helping then he's hindering. You don't need to carry his load too. He's an adult.

Please have a conversation about what you both need to make this marriage work or agree to separate. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking this is normal?

Please leave. This is no life. A constant fight. A constant downer. Always being picked on and I expect waiting to be picked on. You are already a single mum in terms of chores and support. If you left him he’d have to have the kids sometimes and you’d get a break.

My dh works high paid corporate type job. He’s the owner of another business. He is very very busy. Works away a lot. I don’t work to support this. But still this weekend he’s put up some curtains and two pictures and been outside putting the Christmas lights up. He’s washed up after dinner and played with the youngest boy. He’s walked the dog too. Your dh is treating you like his maid. Please leave. You deserve to be treated well.

I work longer hours as I work in the office whereas he works from home, so im out 7-5 ish. My job is also more stressful. So its a little different. However, during the week when I leave for work he gets our 4 year old ready for the morning, takes him to nursery and gets home to start work at 8.30. Walks the dog on his lunch and chucks some washing in/does dishwasher, finishes at 5 and starts cooking our evening meal for when I get home after pick up at around 5.30. The evening we both spend time with our child and share bath/bed. He wakes overnight with our child more than I do, as I have to be up early and drive. On weekends unless either of us is seeing friends we take days out, go for nice walks, share house stuff. I food shop/plan but he tends to cook more and he also cleans more but I tidy a lot. I couldn't imagine just taking our child out for the day, unless we were doing playdates with someone he doesn't know as well. Im sorry this is your experience, I would truly be really ground down by this and miserable. We arent perfect, I still pick up more mental load and I imagine life would be considerably harder if my husband had a stressful job or commute but equally I could never imagine him just opting out of family life or anything to do with running a home and leaving it all to me. He sounds deeply, deeply unpleasant to be around.

Fuck that! I’m a SAHM to 2 kids in primary school and my DH works 5/6 days a week across 3 roles. He still has time to put laundry in the basket, his clean stuff away, does 50% of bath and bedtimes with the kids if he’s home, makes a fair amount of meals, takes the kids to their swim lesson every Saturday!

he’s a lazy arsehole who isn’t contributing anything positive to yours or your kids’ lives.

The more you post about him/your life OP, the worse it gets.

For your sake and the Children’s, leave him.

Wow. What a utter pig. I would go through him for a shortcut, OP. Sounds like you might be relatively comfortable financially? Can you tell him you want a divorce?

DH and I both work. Same profession but he earns more than me as more senior.

Whoever is home first cooks or we cook together. Either of us or both do food shopping as and when it is needed. I do the laundry/change bedding, he does bins/DIY/most garden jobs (I do occasional planting). We have a cleaner who also does the ironing. Both equally involved with the kids and their activities.

ETA: everyone puts their own dirty laundry in the basket to be washed.