My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

I have a certain amount of sympathy with your husband, as I work full time in a stressful job and don’t always want to do much at weekends. I also don’t want my kids’ friends round on a Saturday night.

However he is being a d- about the washing and that needs to stop. It is disrespectful to expect you to clean up after him, so don’t.

Basically I think you need to talk about how you both like to spend weekends, and how you divide domestic chores, and find a workable compromise. Neither way is right or wrong, both of your needs, preferences are valid and need to be understood by the other one.

We agreed I get one day doing nothing and pottering about (husband goes and plays football.) Play dates are after school or Fridays, or Saturday afternoons but not for dinner.

This shouldn’t be an AIBU because no one is right or wrong here (except for his attitude about the laundry.)

LTB. He’s hard work. Sounds like another toddler not a partner. Surely he’d be much more attractive if he helped, enjoyed the company of friends, poured the wine and stacked the dishwasher. If his job is so stressful that he needs a man cave then let him leave and have one or change jobs.

Did you read all the posts from OP or just the original?
The man is horrific.

Paris Paloma - Labour
Lundy Bamcroft - Why does he do that? book - he is also on youtube

many similar threads on here telling the same sorry tale

your husband is at the devaluing phase OP

you are sorting out his dirty washing
he does not pay for a professional cleaner/s
so now you are living with a messy housemate :
as your husband has left the building

he has his sights on someone else who he cannot be with
at the weekend, taking his vexations out on you and your
perceived shortcomings,
also miffed that his savings, his running away fund are now
being eroded, while you
pursue what he sees as a vainglorious project keeping you
from the laundry basket/cooker/vacuum cleaner
when actually he doesn’t want to be there anyway

his resentment manifests in carping, criticising, undermining
he is pushing and pushing you until you erupt at which point
he will leave

threads like this are on a loop
usually the OP drifts off after a while so we never hear what
happens next

No. My DH used to do a hard, manual job during the day and did his degree at night. This was right when we were in the trenches of babies and toddlers. He still did his absolute best to help me. Spoke to me lovingly and appreciatively.
I was a SAHM, too.
Your DH is just a cunt.

Some people do need a lot of time to decompress. He could be neurodivergent.
But from your posts he sounds like he has a very bad attitude and I don't know why you are putting up with it.

these are good points you’ve raised, - begrudged, yes

when we are married we have expectations on how our joint
and then family life will be, based on the experience of others,
family, including our own parents, with a perceived, reasonable
right to that expectation

when we remove ourselves from a sterile or moribund marriage
to live alone (with our children)
we no longer have thwarted expectations, we don’t need them
so, we are not disappointed, in him, marriage, society’s judgement
as, we looked on our husbands as equals and found them lacking

Just leave. You are clearly perfectly capable.

He acts as if he does not respect you and does not even like you. So awful for you, I mean this is your life and you have one life and it looks like you accidentally ended up with a really awful husband

goodness what a horrible man

My DH was like this but in a completely different way. He would literally tidy up and clean all day everyday - our house was and still is completely immaculate. He hates mess or chaos of any kind so when kids were small it was awful they couldn't draw or colour when he was home, or do jigsaws or even play in the garden as that would bring mud in. I always took kids out all weekend because he had to make the house immaculate. No playdates or people round as that would make mess.

I often wish for a slobby husband as it sounds in theory so much easier you can leave your tea cup out kids can bake if they want, washing can be left for a day. Kids are adults now and he has no relationship with our 18 yr old as he was never present in his life just always 2 steps behind cleaning the mess.

I thought my DH would change as kids got older but he didn't and he has no relationship with my kids - he often says he is the house cleaner. I don't think they change whether you have a clean freak like mine or a lazy layabout like yours. My DH had always said that if we did split he wouldn't want any type of custody as he wouldn't be able to cope with the mess and chaos they create so thats why I stayed with him. Kids are grown up now and he is a great husband but was never a great dad when they were growing up. So if you are going to leave him my advice is do it sooner rather than later.

Do NOT tidy his mess, or wash his clothes. Don't force him to come out with you as he's going to ruin it for you, anyway. It's simple for us MNetters to say LTB, I know, however, this man is dismissive of you, derogatory towards you, does nothing to contribute towards the running of your home, or raising your children, so, how would things get worse, if you gave him his marching orders? You're doing it all on your own anyway. He sounds like a prize chump.

The person you share your life with is supposed to enrich your life, be on your side, care about you etc. He doesn't bring any of that into your life, in fact he's deliberately making your life harder so just get rid. Life is too fucking short to kowtow to these dickhead men.

Your husband is a nasty, lazy, financially abusive c*nt.

You and your kids would be better off without him. Ask him to leave.

He sounds mentally ill.

Good god, your standards for male behaviour are low.

Your marriage is not going to survive without something major as counseling because I think he clearly checked out of family life .
you should o jut put up with this . This is not how a good earthy marriage is , he needs to be there for you and the kids , he needs to understand and enjoy being a family .

If you are working and sorting the kids tell him to do his own f...ing laundry. He sounds miserable , but it is quite short notice to have people around- you do sound incompatible though.

My husband is a head of - tech role. I am a nurse.

He puts the kids to bed 3 nights a week or more. He works in the office 2 days a week but will do a couple of school runs on top of this, cook a couple of simple meals and is meant to have the mental load of the washing which I give him a 6/10 for. We clean the kitchen down together at the end of the day. My side of the bedroom is the messy one and I leave bags everywhere. (Suspect a bit of ADHD here) - he’s quite tidy. We have a cleaner once a week to lighten the load as he is full time and I am 34.5 hours. Mine are 6 and 4 too.

Your husband sounds like an abusive twat and you’d have less to do without him.

I’m on nights this weekend- he’s done the childcare both days.

100% this.
You are working so hard, and doing such a great job. I hope you know that. Getting a business off the ground, caring for your children, and managing a man-baby is hard work, and you sound like you are doing this with grace and patience.
I would suggest that he should leave. I don't know what your living situation is (haven't read the whole thread yet), but he doesn't seem to want to be part of your family, so he really should remove himself from the life you have spent all of your energy building. He doesn't belong there. You do. You've built it. He should step up and join in with some joy and appreciation, or he should go. Sorry OP. So many threads like this on MN. It's like there's some kind of virus men get when they have kids that stops them from noticing what needs to be done.

My God. You picked well. Nice to hear these stories! 🔆

Why on earth are you staying with him? Finances? He sounds awful and it’s going to be more damaging for your children to grow up in that environment, believe me!

Entirely unfair on you OP. Please document all of this as carefully as you can.
These are joint expenses, and he should have been contributing.
If you have left your job to accommodate his hours, then spent all "your savings" while he kept "his", then you are not actually splitting everything 50/50. You are paying for everything. And now you are losing income to support him domestically, while he saves his money.
I bet he is an arse about living costs as well... "do they really need new shoes?" Etc...
Document it all, find bank statements to support it. Calculate your lost earnings and any expenses that should have been joint.
He is acting like a single man who married a woman with children.
Find yourself a Solicitor and send him back to his (poor) Mothers house, tell him you need time to think about what you want from your life.

I think the the strongest argument to leave, apart from your utter boredom and exhaustion with this relationship, is what your kids are seeing.

They're learning that this is 'normal' and that their mother is roundly criticised by their father, and it's showing them sexism in action.

I'm a child of a marriage like this. It was hugely damaging. My father just didn't think he should do anything, including speaking to either me or my sibling.

It would have been much better if they parted, because at least, presumably, he would have made some effort.On the odd day of the weekend when he saw us?! But it was the 1970/80s and much more difficult.

As it was, he just thought he had an inalienable right to do whatever the fuck he wanted (which involved avoiding us, lying in bed most of the weekend, as he'd frequently come in at 3:00 am after working long hours and going straight to his hobbies post work.

It meant that I didn't have a good roadmap of what healthy relationships looked like. It meant my brother largely recreated these patterns in his own relationship when he reached adulthood. None of it was good.

You're not asking for much, just a partner who shows up at the weekend instead of treating it as a recovery ward while you run the whole household. One thing that might help is agreeing the weekend plan on a Friday night, in writing: who gets the lie-in, who takes the kids out in the morning, and one slot where he cooks or tidies, so it isn't left to be negotiated while you're already exhausted. And I'd stop cooking for him when he's spent the morning moaning about it — cook for yourself and the kids, and let him sort his own lunch if he's not contributing. You mention the co-working is helping and you're making strides, so please don't let him pull you back into feeling like the house organisation is all your fault when he's doing none of it.