My DH attitude towards weekends and guests/ activities

[weekendfail]

He has a stressful job but he essentially just wants to ‘ chill ‘ every weekend. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6.

he needs physical downtime. So he has a lie in on both days. Then he pretty much just hangs around, watching tv. He comes downstairs to moan and complain that he’s hungry and I haven’t cooked.

anyway that’s the general ‘ vibe ‘ of weekends. I often take the kids out for half of the day or so ( without him, as he never wants to come ). When he does come, he complains that he wants to go back home and what an effort it all is.

anyway, let’s not even get into how messy he is. He doesn’t tidy anything up really and he’s incapable of putting dirty laundry in the basket. The bedroom is a constant mess and his clothes are everywhere.

whenever I do pipe up, we end up arguing. I need to leave him alone etc etc. so I kind of just leave it now. Today I was sorting my own clothes and I started folding and trying to understand which of his needed washing. He said to leave him alone and why do I always have to do this at weekends ? I should do it all during the week while the kids are at school and he’s at work. Now going on to my work.

I used to work in a corporate role, but now I’m working for myself to give me more flexibility. I tend to work from a shared office space, and I’m not making lots of money yet. I’m slowly building my own thing. But I’m essentially out of the house every day working. I don’t come back until I’ve picked up my kids. That’s why I do washing and sorting at weekends. I used to do a lot of it during the week but I found it hard to work at the same time. I really struggle motivating myself and focusing and I would always just clean and sort the house out and not be on my lap top.

I now have this co working thing and it’s really helping and I’m starting to make small strides. Seeing as I’m not making lots of money yet, my DH doesn’t think it’s worth spending as much time and I should spend my time during the week at home doing his messy laundry.

this weekend has been particularly bad. He has just been mean to me all weekends it seems. He doesn’t like people coming over and I did say that my kids wanted a play date so we had some friends over and I offered to make dinner for them. My DH was really annoyed that it was so last minute for him etc and he was just in a bad mood all day. Shouting and complaining about it all. He thought it was outrageous to decide the night before to have people round for food the next evening. Apparently that’s extremely short notice ?

I did mention we were going to see our friends on Saturday but hadn’t given details. I texted him earlier in the week saying the kids kept asking for this meet up and is it ok with him etc. then the night before, I decided I was going to cook for everyone and that made him angry.

what do I do ? I’m fed up.

I wish he would leave. He will never leave. It would be me who’d have to leave / divorce him. He would play the victim. He doesn’t want to ever leave.

You don’t have a husband, you have an extra over grown stroppy teenager. I’m not sure this situation is recoverable tbh.

@weekendfail

Fuck that shit! I would be making plans to get out. Permanently. I would not allow myself to be treated like that or, equally as importantly, allow my kids to witness it & think it’s normal/acceptable.

Then leave OP.

Do you really want the rest of your life to be like this? The next 40 years or so?

And you "give in" to sex. So you don't really consent?

DH and I have had our ups and downs over our 28 years together. No relationship is perfect, but your posts as so sad.

your life without him in it sounds like the best way forward. I could not be with a man this incompetent and mean. The relationship dynamics being taught to the DC are so unhealthy too. Divorce for them if you won’t do it for you.

This man does not like you.

I agree OP - he will not leave. Not unless there’s a better deal around the corner.
Look at it from his point of view! Free sex, free housework, free childcare, half price accommodation … why on earth would he leave this cosy set up?
OP why not work out the cold hard financials of him paying for the services you provide every week. The price now is nothing- except your unhappiness of course. A price he is happy to pay. He probably enjoys making you miserable and planning what nasty thing to say next. Because it’s working well for him.
if you leave what happens? His costs skyrocket, his workload skyrockets. His childcare and domestic services vanish. His leisure time disappears and his responsibilities grow massively as he takes on 50% childcare. And if he won’t do that his costs go up.
So he has only two options. Convince you to stay ( fake promises) or coerce you to stay ( anger, making you feel worthless)

I am sorry but his response will likely be anger- and possibly worse- if you rock the boat. That’s why you need support IRL - friends, family, lawyer, women’s aid.
Let him play the victim. Let him say what he likes. He’s saying unpleasant crap already so I don’t expect anything different.

i have been avoiding spelling it out but PP is right. If you are giving in to sex because you fear the consequences… you know what that is right? It’s non consensual. It’s r*pe in my book. We’ve all had sex when we aren’t fully in the mood yes. But feeling fear of him being nasty? On a regular basis? Not joy? Not laughs and giggles? Bloody hell.
You are only tolerating this because you fear the consequences. He knows this and he doesn’t care.
You can’t make him leave. But you can work towards your own happiness and start planning for a better future.

You’re living with someone who doesn’t like or respect you.
Don let your kids think this is normal.

I'd find an idle cupboard and shove all of his mess, Inc clothes, in there because I can't stand mess personally but also wouldn't be doing anything like washing this pigs clothes.

Stop doing anything for him. Stop cooking for him, stop cleaning his clothes, absolutely stop agreeing to sex you don't want just to get him off your back and stick at your business.

Perhaps I'm petty but if he wants to be mean that's fine, I could make his life worse than he could make mine, no more dinners, no more clean clothes, no more sex, the man would get not so much as a conversation out of me anymore, never mind the effort of an argument. And I'd be inviting whoever the fuck I wanted round every weekend from now on. Let him sulk upstairs, why do you care?

He's a pig. Stop pandering to any of this nonsense and as soon as you're able to financially, leave him. Life is too short for this.

I imagine as well you're in the habit of making excuses for him too. Stop doing that. Been there, got the t shirt and people don't believe you anyway, if someone comes round and asks where he is, tell them he's sulking upstairs. If the kids ask at the weekend tell them honestly that daddy doesn't want to come out with you guys, he can explain to them why. His relationship with them is his responsibility, not yours.

Tell your friends what he's like, tell your family, hell tell his family if they ask. Don't gatekeep his shitty behaviour.

He may think it's great for now being left alone to "chill" but one day his kids will grow up and they will reflect with him the same amount of effort he made with them growing up.

Formulate your own life around your job, kids and happiness.
Stress less about what your DH groans on about. Include him when you can easily accommodate him in meals etc.

Try to do some laundry during the week so that your weekends are more flexible for yourself.
Plan to leave the kids at home with their father for a few hours each weekend day.
Invite DH parents over more to motivate DH to do cleaning and chores.

Give your business a set time to be profitable. Be honest if it is becoming a hobby and find a paying job.

There are jobs that would excuse the exhaustion and being too drained to do much.

There are no jobs that excuse the rudeness, disrespect, and treating you like his maid.

I don't think there are really, not when you choose to have children.

He clearly gets to be home every weekend, so sounds like a fairly standard mon-fri job that a lot of people do and have, just because it's stressful doesn't mean it's drastically different to most people's week.

I work all week, it's bloody hard work and I'm stressed most days. I grind my teeth at night due to stress from work on a regular basis, my anxiety is often through the roof due to work. However, I don't feel excused from doing much with my kids for the very little time I get at home with them. I still get up on a Saturday and take them to their friend's birthday party or their hobby, I still plan a play centre date with friends and their children on a Sunday etc etc...

I chose to have them, I owe them as much of my time at weekends as I can give imo. Not to say you should never get a break but you shouldn't be excused for not doing much with your kids because your Mon-Fri job is stressful, no matter what it is.

Women don't get away with this.

For what it's worth I don't think it's unreasonable to sometimes wish that you could have a "chilled out" weekend in a way that's no longer possible after having kids unless someone else looks after them. It's not an excuse to behave like this.

This is such a depressing thread - another woman and kids shackled to an abusive misogynist. Ugh.

Please go and see a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a divorce. If not for you, for those children who are growing up thinking that’s how relationships are - that men are entitled to do fuck all and just throw their weight around and women are for fucking and cooking. Grim.

And stop having sex with him. Don’t cook or wash for him. You’ve done enough of that now.

most of our weekends are chilled weekends. I would say 80 percent.

Oh god OP he sounds awful. I would be planning my exit if I were you. Your kids will grow up to think this is normal you know - the dad sitting around in his pants watching TV demanding the mum tidies and cooks for him. I'd seriously be thinking about whether you want that to be their view of relationships as they grow up.

Our children are adults but when they were younger my dh worked (still does) a hard manual job. He works 7-4pm but still cooks dinner each night, comes food shopping with me, he has one long lie a weekend and I had the other, he had our children 2-3 evenings a week while I worked, he would go out with us all at the weekend and spend quality time with our children, he would share the lifts taking them to and from clubs. He helps me clean the house too.

we worked and still do work as a team.

Remember people can have very different definitions here. Pre-kids for me and DH a chilled weekend involved lie ins, spending the day in PJs (ok that was more him), watching TV, playing computer games and doing minimal housework and only leaving the house if it couldn't be avoided. We can't do this now we have children. At best we can tag team and give each other some time.

It sounds like your DHs definition of a chilled weekend involved a perfectly clean and empty house and being left alone.

You’re single parenting anyway OP, so your DH may as well not be there at all. In fact, it sounds like your life would be a whole lot happier and peaceful without your DH. It’s not often I’ve said this on MN, but your case definitely warrants a LTB. I’d start sorting out everything you need to (finances, admin, etc) in order to separate. Don’t give up your job. Good luck 💐

Tell him you want to end the marriage because you’re both miserable and it’s obvious he doesn’t enjoy family life. Sometimes that can start a discussion. If it does, compartmentalise slots during the weekend. Lie in, some chores, some going out.
Is he on his phone a lot? That’s often a problem. Get some agreement around that too.
Otherwise, start taking steps. Peace of mind is priceless.

Then go ahead and start the ball rolling to separate. If he tries to play the victim, tell everyone the truth. I’m not suggesting you shout it from the rooftops but if relatives, friends etc ask, don’t gatekeep for him anymore. “To be honest parents-in-law, I’ve been single handedly raising the DC for some time now, as well as working and keeping house without any help. DH has chosen to opt out of family and home life. He made that choice some time ago and I’m merely formalising the arrangement through divorce”.

Did I say it was wrong?

You're the one trying to justify how apparently her trying to establish a business is a bonus for everybody. I know it's not - it requires a hefty investment of time and often money to move from being hobby-like to being business-like, to becoming profitable. It's a hard road

I'm just asking how the decision was made. Because if it was unilateral I can understand how he might be peeved or feel put upon that she has time and energy and options, while he feels he doesn't. Having had DP duck out of their teaching job unilaterally to make me the sole breadwinner is a hard gig.

I've learned that a one person account of the dynamics of a twon person relationship is rarely the entire story,

I would hate the house full of other peoples kids and other people every weekend too.
The rest of it? leave him to it. He's old enough to sort his own shit out.

Its like everything else in your life with him. It will only happen if you do it!