AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

You’re right and I have said I will get many things wrong even with my own baby I won’t be a perfect parent I don’t expect to be. I know nothing about parenting I’m learning on the job with my baby. My mother learnt on the job and raised 4 kids she’s always giving me advice I’m not doing it on my own and I didn’t just have a child without thinking. No want I got to my late 30s almost 40 without thinking about motherhood regardless I’m not perfect and that’s not my aim with my child, there’s more I can offer him than perfection.

He has a big village on both sides of the family it’s not just me, his father is one of 5, 4 grandparents coming to see him every week, my friends, his fathers friends.

I am divorced and have two teens with equal custody, although my ex H has moved in with his gf. On occasion I have felt the odd stir of annoyance when she seems to attempt to parent them (although my DD doesn't really tolerate it), but I remind myself the key thing is they feel happy and loved in both homes.

His ex wife has to realize that the more she complains about them spending time with their dad the more likely she is to push them away.

Crikey. @QuirkyRoseLionyou sound lovely. I wish you were my step mum! Xx

I'm wondering if they're staying so late that it's too dark to walk home now?
It's not just half an hour then off home but they're spending the evening and treating their mum's house like a hotel.

What are you actually wanting us to say op?

If we all said "yeeees, she is very much in the wrong" how would that actually change anything? You would just keep doing as you are doing? Or what?

I can't honestly see what you are wanting from this thread other than confirmation - as a handful, presumably, second wives themselves, are happy to give - that she is jealous. Why would you want that?

ETA and I asked above what you are expecting from her and you ignored my direct question and leapt in to reply enthusiastically to a pp saying step mums can do no right. There have been some incredible sms on these threads - but they are seldom the ones sniping at the ex for no good reason.

Teenagers don't generally get picked up from school. I was assuming bus in 2 different directions but it could be walking in two different directions (so they have to walk past school on their way back to their mum's house meaning that if say, both houses are 1.5 miles from school it's a more lengthy 3 mile walk back.

If OP/their dad refused to drive them home when they turned up unannounced, I suspect they might be less keen to come over so often.

I think she's here to brag or to relieve any guilt.

I think it's fine as long as the mum makes it clear that she's part of the decision and it's not just the dad not letting them come over. Maybe the mum and dad should speak to them together?

You are right that they're old enough to be more thoughtful but teens aren't noted for their emotional maturity and new half-siblings can be a tricky thing to navigate.

Also realistically when children hit teens they do tend to just opt for one house more than the other anyway. Isn't that the whole point of the parents living close together? That once they're old enough they can move between more freely and it doesn't have to be so structured.

if you suspect the teens want to come and live with you permanently and only see their mum a few times a month then you absolutely can understand why their mum would be upset.

Look at your lovely baby and imagine that he’s now a teen and their dad has got a new wife and baby and now suddenly even your own child prefers the new set up.

This needs both parents to sit down with the teens and make sure everyone is happy with the current custody situation. And then kindly but firmly stick to it.

I’m neither first/second wife nor SM nor do I have a step mum or any half siblings etc. But id be absolutely devastated if my own children abandoned me for their step mum.

The more I think about it I don’t believe two teens would come to one parent’s house every evening all of a sudden for weeks simply because of a new baby. Maybe the dc feel like they are part of a happy family again as they miss having both parental roles at home. One of my cousins spent a lot of time with my family when her parents were separated as she missed the family unit.

Yes, my point is, they can get home to their mum's. Because that's how they get home normally from school.

I wonder if mum's is much further, and they can't be arsed to sit on the bus/walk when they can get food much quicker by heading to OPs where they get chauffeured home.

Given the title and the last post, I think the Op is expecting the mother to step back whilst her kids move in with Dad.

I can't see any other motivation. She thinks she is in the right, won't hear anything else, so what was the point.

Except perhaps enjoying the sound of others denigrating the ex.

Well it's understandable that she feels upset about this. She has no choice but to accept it but she's allowed to feel how she feels.

They don’t get picked up from school or dropped off everyday only on rare occasions. The school has a school bus dedicated to the school as it goes across London to pick up the kids. They can get off and different stops depending on whether they’re coming to ours or their mums the bus covers both areas.

If that’s the reason you think I posted then don’t respond to the post.

Exactly this. If the issue is that the children want to come over all the time to play with the novel baby, then you should be saying

"Not today Timmy and Sarah. Mummy misses you and is looking forward to spending time with you and the baby needs rest/will be here tomorrow etc..."

On the contrary, I am happy to provide an alternative soundtrack in her defence.

No not at all. That’s just DH’s assumption based on things they’ve said to him. They haven’t explicitly said they want to move here permanently. He’s just making assumptions, they did change their agreement between both houses but that’s because the kids asked for it to be changed so they do spend more time here at the minute but these arrangements can change especially as they’re getting older. We live in the same part of London it’s not as though we are in a completely different city, they can easily get to either house via the same line in fact it covered both distances.

Our house is much closer to the school to be honest but the bus covers both areas. It’s a school bus only kids that go to that school get on the bus.

You have done nothing wrong, op. And a lot right.
I think it is wonderful for the children that you are so welcoming and care for them, and may that continue forever.
It's up to your DH and his ex to deal with any of the other stuff.

You can’t expect things to stay exactly the same as the moment you split for ever and ever. If a new child came into any family the amount of available money, and time etc would be changed.

It might be that . My step kids love, specially the youngest explained that to us that he loves to stay as we are like a “ normal family “ his own worlds . His mum is also married but I think they argue a lot , we do t and we certainly would not in front of the kids .
Either way I think the op should just ignore the mum right now unless he actively asks for help or something and carry on as normal

OP - you don’t have to do anything to try and make your family ‘smaller’. And the ex doesn’t have to accept anything or change her feelings about it. As long as everyone has the children they are responsible for at the centre, follows their cues and makes every effort for them to be safe and happy, then that is all you can do.

So they reduced her time with her children (with her agreement).
And now that time is further being cut back.

And you are surprised she’s hurt and upset?
Good grief.