AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

@PenelopeFlipFlopIm not sure what other term conveys the meaning I meant?

It's not about being sainted it's about setting boundaries and agreements over when kids come over to each parent's house. If they want to change the arrangements then they need to discuss it with their mum rather than entertaining the kids every night.

I kind of feel sorry for her,how I feel towards my ex are my own personal thoughts and my DS is not aware with them and he never would be,but if I was in another relationship I would actively encourage DS to spend equal amount of time with both parents.the OP here doesn't even seem to want to actively encourage the DC to spend anytime with the mum.

He has had the discussion with them plenty of times they refuse to listen but also they could be up to worse. It’s not as though their school work is suffering etc

Am I the only one thinking it's pretty unusual for 2 teenage boys to be so keen on seeing a new baby (born in August, so you'd think beyond novelty factor stage by now) that they are round almost every night and even spent most of their half term there? Even if they don't want to go to their mum's house I'd expect them to be spending a lot more time with friends. Is Dad's house so amazing that it's very attractive to them (I'm thinking Disney Dad syndrome); or are their issues with their mum or with friends that need resolving and they are using OP's house/new baby as an escape route?
(or of course they may feel that Dad has no time for them since the new baby and are inserting themselves at every opportunity to try to fight for some).

Agree with this. Of course the husband can control it. He needs to have a similar conversation to the one he had when his children were told they would have to be moving between houses because of the divorce, which I don't suppose the children wanted either. But the adults didn't throw up their hands and say "oh no! What can we do? Best stay together". They told the children what was happening and the children had to accept it. Same applies here.

Who is comfortable with the president?

It's not an obsession. If your relationship had played a part in their marriage break up, can you not see how that would have made a difference?

People are being horrible to you and I don't think you're gloating.

You might have half siblings but you have never been a parent until recently. You are the new one in the role. It might feel great that yours is the popular house, but you have to remember one day you might need a favour from their mum and she will remember how kind of unkind you have been.

The arrangement was changed at the children’s request but still they’re not following the arrangement. They don’t want to say it but he thinks they only want to see their mother a few times a month and live here permanently but they’re not going to say it but based on what they’ve said to their father that’s what he thinks.

I suspect the last tbh.

Babies aren't all THAT interesting to teens.

They should listen to their parents though

Teenagers often "refuse to listen". Parents have to insist anyway.
Sounds like their Dad doesn't want to be "bad cop".

@redskyAtNigh yeah, I said it’s odd upthread.

Yes but this is such a new phase in something that could have been a huge upheaval for these children - all of the adults involved should be breathing a sigh of relief that they love this baby and feel happy about it.

Them coming over constantly will not be forever, but at the moment it's all new for them and they are excited.

As a mum, of course I'd feel sad that my kids were wanting to be over at their dad's all the time, and probably a bit bitter that my ex had this whole new family and baby, but I wouldn't tell him and I certainly wouldn't let my children see it (which she may not have done tbf).

The worst thing that could happen here is that OP and her husband make a point of stopping the children coming over as much and they equate that to being rejected because they just want to spend time with the new baby alone. And it would all be because their mum isn't being mature enough to put their feelings first.

You are SO action avoidant. You don't wait for them to knock on the door/get bored with the baby.
You/your DH say when they leave " we love to see you, but your mum's missing out at the moment, and she and I agreed whose days were whose for a reason. So we'll see you on (the next dad's day).

If the kids didn't come to you for days on end because they were obsessed with something their mum or a new partner had provided, DH would be hurt, I'm sure.

Basically, stop making excuses and saying 'we can't help it'.

Its easy to say "it's just a novelty" when it's your own wonderful news.
How would you/ your husband feel if his ex had a new baby or new 'novelty' and the kids just stopped coming to yours? Not to mention she would just say "what more can I possibly do?"
Absolutely enjoy your time, but have some grace for when the tables could be turned.
This is really a situation that is fixable by your husband speaking to kids and their mother and coming up with an arrangement that is workable and achievable and inclusive for all.
Congrats on the new baby!

Nothing more we can do

Yes there is - sorry darling it's your night with your mum, we will speak to you tomorrow.
Intruding into their time with their mum is unacceptable and that includes lots of phone calls.

Exactly this. I'm surprised how many people are not seeing this. It's not your night!! They are supposed to be with the mother and you're faux fawning about like "oh but what am I to do, they just prefer my house..."

What's the logistics anyway. It doesn't appear anyone is picking these kids up from school, yet they just turn up at yours. That must mean they live in walking distance of both the houses, or mum would be there at the school gates on her nights, so why the necessity to have to drive them to hers?

Is your house closer, so they only have to walk to yours then get given a lift?

The worst thing that could happen here is that OP and her husband make a point of stopping the children coming over as much and they equate that to being rejected

They're teen-agers and perfectly old enough to understand my suggestion above. They need to know that they're hurting their mum.

Maybe they are lazy and just want a lift home?

Is that only since having the baby?

If you care about their kids then you must recognise the importance of them having a relationship with their mum.

If this is true I would be curious as to why they don't want to be there.
You have to try and put yourself in their mum's shoes. If your baby grew up and said they only wanted to see you a few times a month would you be happy and accept it?

I don't get the whole "oh she's just jealous"
So what? She has probably envisioned a family life in the past that her ex-husband now has with someone else.

I also don't get the point of this thread. OP says she wants the ex-wife to move on but supposedly has empathy for her too.
Which is it?

Also a little empathy talk from your husband towards the teens might not go amiss. They probably know how their mum is feeling, unless their totally devoid of sympathy.

Also OP you might be in the same situation as the ex-wife one day, so better not to gloat.

Same me and DH!

Have you tried explaining to his children that their Mum is feeling a bit hurt and left out and maybe they could do something to show her that they love her? Teenagers are old enough to think about other people's feelings and how their behaviour is impacting others. It's pretty tactless of them if they're going on about how their Dad's new family is perfect and amazing all the time.

I don’t believe their father has less money for them as far as I can tell.

Surely it hugely impacts their inheritance?

And then people will pile on by telling her it's not her place to stop the children coming round; it's their home as well; they're entitled to see their dad whenever they want to etc etc.

Also OP, careful what you wish for. Two teenagers in the middle of a hormonal storm, GCSEs and A levels, needing driven everywhere including back from the inevitable parties at 11:30pm, two working parents and a tantrumming toddler…no thank you!