AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

I agree your husband sounds like a good dad, and is not doing anything wrong.

But also agree with PP you seem to be lacking in empathy for the mum a bit. Your ex has a new baby with someone and whilst you might be completely over if, irs always going to stir up some emotion and memories of that time. But of course it's going to really hurt her if her two children both want to suddenly spend every evening and holiday with her ex (or even worse in her ex's house with his new partner even when he isn't there) and not her. Ita not like she will be able to easily compete with a new baby. Of course thats got to really hurt.

Is there a different financial situation at both your houses eg is yours bigger / better / more fun things to do or is it pretty equal?

Also was this a trend of them wanting to spend less time at their mums before the baby ir is it recent?

I do think your husband could be more mindful of this. Of course he needs to welcome his kids into his house whenever they want to come over and of course that's more important than ever when they could potentially be feeling pushed out by a new sibling

But he also needs to be bringing them up to be decent people who are mindful of other people's feelings and it's in everyone's interests that he maintains a good relationship with his ex. So I think he should tell his ex he sees where she is coming from. And he should sit down with his kids and explain that they are always welcom3 and he loves having them around but he is worried that their mum is missing them and feeling left out and ask how they think they can address that

Then kindly, I think you need to talk yourself down a peg or two. That suddenly explains everything.

You aren't going to hear " we come here because we get fed faster, you get all smug that we've come here thinking it's about the baby/preferring you, and we get chauffeured home in 10 mins when we're done instead of sitting on that crappy bus for 45?"

It's astonishing this hasn't occurred to you.

They've got you sussed haven't they.

I was thinking the same. It’s very odd behaviour from two teenage boys. Does mum enforce stricter rules perhaps, and maybe they are enjoying the fact that OP and dad seem to be fawning over them.

Op’s faux ignorance and complete lack of empathy is actually really grating. Well done for successfully blending your family OP, and yes it is better for all the boys that the children are all having their needs met. You sound like a wonderful step mum, but you also sound like you have come here for validation/praise. And for others to agree that the boy’s mum should also be over the moon about her children wanting to spend all their time away from home. There are some horror stories about mums being awful to step mums, and it doesn’t sound like she is? Also, I wonder how overjoyed you will be in a few years if they both decode to be at yours full time 😂

Really not sure what you wanted from this thread, there’s not much more advice you can be given as you seem reluctant to accept that you have a part to play here, and that includes being firm. Its more important that the boys see all 3 of you working together, setting boundaries and respecting each other’s space, rather than giving them carte blanché to make their own choices.

*editing as just seen the bus situation update. Makes much more sense now! Wake up OP, you are being manipulated for lifts home and turning it into point scoring against your husband’s ex wife 😂

Your baby son will grow into a proper little tyrant if this is your approach to parental supervision.
Flinging your hands up and hypocritically protesting that there is nothing you can do to prevent the teenagers from doing as they wish is not acceptable.
You two are permitting their mother’s basic rights and consideration to be ignored, and are welcoming (even encouraging) the result.
It’s shabby and reprehensible behaviour, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

I think his ex feels a certain way and thats hard for her to control. The one thing you could do is work with her. Messages/phone calls if the dcc turn up. That way she knows what is happening. If they are due to have dinner with their mum and she has prepared it that would be annoying. Maybe say no sometimes to staying for dinner. It’s down to their dad to be doing a lot of this not you. I expect their mum is feeling hurt. Maybe she didn’t expect him to have another child presuming he is older.

But he’s not being a good father if he tells them not to come, they ignore him and come anyway, and he welcomes them, provides dinner (or OP does) and drives them home after they spend the evening there.

Remember, op, on MN some people will not believe a stepmum can do anything right, regardless.

Thats not been the case here though has it? Nobody has said she isn’t doing anything right, she came with (barely) a question and has had some views on her situation?

But what is the OP actually WANTING from the ex?

That is the premise on which she posted but she isn't answering when people ask her to be specific.

Surely she isn't feeling she ought to be able to tell the ex what she can feel?

editing as just seen the bus situation update. Makes much more sense now! Wake up OP, you are being manipulated for lifts home and turning it into point scoring against your husband’s ex wife 😂

Indeed. Fancy being that smug that you can't see the wood for the trees.

Yeah, exactly this: barely a question.

The only thing people have said she is doing wrong is apparently coming here to gloat - which is the only logical conclusion given her "barely" question and her dodging of any attempt to drill down into it.

I'm sure if this escalated, they started never going to their mums, treated you like their mother, and you found yourself full time parenting two teenage boys alongside your little one, then you'd think of something your husband could do. He needs to do that thing now.

Yeah they have me sussed alright aha. I can’t control where they prefer to spend their time currently. I suppose that’s a perk of having two houses, 2 rooms etc they get to pick.

Once they finish education then they can change the arrangement. They are the ones that asked to see their mother less and change the arrangement that their parents had which she did agree to because the kids asked.

I don't think that that is the case in this thread. It's so bleeding obvious that OP and her husband are both letting this happen because it suits them to be 'the popular house'. Neither of them has the slightest empathy for the mother who's being abandoned.

And I'm neither a step-mum or an ex. Just someone who's able to imagine herself in both the ex and the OP's position.

This is basically a popularity competition, and OP and her DH are loving being the winners at the moment.

That’s how it seems to me.

Neither of us want that. He has spoken to his children which is why the agreement was changed and now they spend more time here. Their father is under the assumption that they would like this to be their permanent house they haven’t said that to him but he’s expecting that at some point based on the conversations he’s had with them and he’s trying to navigate that the best way he can. He didn’t expect that but in their own words to him when he’s asked them what’s wrong they have said that this house feels more like family.

If your husband has a good relationship with his ex wife, I really think they both need to get together without any interference from you or their two kids and sort out what is acceptable to them both.
He sounds a bit weak for allowing the kids to come whenever they want, with just a half hearted talk to them about boundaries...which are not being kept.

Incidentally, my own father left my mum with two young children. When my sister was a teenager she often used to say she wanted to go and live with her dad...it was all hot air.

You are being argumentative for its own sake.
If my dc's ended up with a welcoming caring stepmum I would be delighted but it seems to be wrong in some people's eyes.
If there is something mum or dad don't like about arrangements it is up to them to resolve it. That is not in a stepmum's remit or she would be overstepping.

Imagine convincing yourself you're the popular house, for it to actually transpire you're the closer house that hands out food fastest and swaps 45 minutes on a crappy bus for a 10 minute car journey.

Or that he "discarded" her and the kids - he is clearly a very involved father and maybe the ex wife left him??

So she open her heart to her ex husband with whom she shares children that she feels hurt that they want to spend time with his new family especially because they're so excited about their new siblings and it makes a feel a bit abandoned, and your reaction is to say 'she needs to accept we're a family?'.

She is clearly accepting it, she doesn't care that you're a family, she cares that her children are spending less time with her.

Your reaction should just be of empathy. Don't need to do anything at all.

Empathy.
I would be devastated if my dc wanted to spend more time with their step mother than me- their actual mum. Of course you have every right to be happy but this is bound to be an emotional time for her too. It’s part and parcel of getting into a relationship with a man who already has children. She is a part of your family via the dc.

i meant it’s 2 minutes on the bus from their mothers hardly a distance. If it’s manipulation at this point what can we do based on the distance. Their mums stop is the next stop on the bus. I’m not sure how else to go about it are we supposed to move from the house we spent 2 years saving to buy in an area we like.

Put yourself in her place op. Imagine how you would feel if that baby your holding wanted to be in another house away from you

OP's thread title is literally "My husband's ex-wife needs to accept that we are now one family".

Interesting choice of title. Weren't they (she, DH and the children) a family before the baby was born? And they aren't "one" family, because the children still have their family with their mother.

There is very definite undertones of "we are the most important family" which is why she's getting a lot of the responses that she is.

A more natural thread title would be something like "AIBU to think that my husband's ex-wife needs to understand that her sons would like to spend time with their new half-sibling".