AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

You are absolutely gloating about the whole thing OP…it shines through in the whole thread.

what’s the obsession with affairs on here ?
I met him after he was already divorced on a blind date he didn’t even know what I looked like till we met, I didn’t even have his phone number and I didn’t know what he looked like I just went for the fun of it and we got on well and continued to see each other. His marriage did not end because of an affair

Basically your title means that you want the ex wife to accept that you, your DH, the baby and their kids are now a family and she should fuck off and shut up

And there's been a pile on about it. Shocking!

They're old enough to turn up at the front door but not old enough to be told they need to go their mum's?

First time it happened - I know you're really excited so can you call your mum and ask if it's okay as it's her night but it's just this once kids.

Next time - sorry kids, we said that was just a one off, it is your mum's night and she probably already has dinner on the go. We'll see you later this week."
You then call the mum and say, the kids came here because they're excited to see baby but I've redirected them to your house as I know it's important for them to see you too. If they turn up again I'll keep doing the same unless you are happy for them to have extra visits while it's still novel?"

Exactly this. You say what nights they can come and which they can’t. You do appear to be a little disingenuous about it, ‘What can I possibly do, I have no control’ when you do very much have control. I think you might need to grow up a little too.

Fair enough that’s not what I think I’m doing but also everyone has different perspectives.

So your house is sufficiently far from their mum's house that they need you to drive them home and can't even get there themselves? What would happen if you'd decided to go out for the afternoon? Would they just let themselves in and wait?

I think for everyone's sake you should suggest that, since going to your house actively means coming in a different direction from school, that they should be checking it's ok for them to come round before they turn up. Otherwise you are going to be in a position in a year or two where you daren't leave the house as you need to be available at all times for spontaneous visits, which I can't imagine is something you want.

@QuirkyRoseLion I asked if your DH was older as when my friends ex DH had another dc it surprised her by the strong emotions it brought up. She was over him & had left him so she didn’t expect to feel the way she did.

She did everything for the dc when they were young as he was too busy with work etc, he has calmed down as he got older and was very hands on with the new dc.

We have and the second time she just said she’ll pick them up after they’ve eaten

It’s not a pile on FFS. It’s a load of balanced, likely older and more experienced women trying to add some measure to a situation.

Describing women who aren't 100% supportive of the OP as a pile on is daft.

Women are allowed to have different opinions and people posting on a public forum are going to get them.

Other than she told your dh shes not happy, you haven’t said what else she has done. Other than to say she should accept you are all a family unit and move on. She feels how she feels. What is she actually doing?

Sorry OP you sound a bit naive.

As others have said she is upset that her children aren’t home or around as much. Put yourseld in her shoes - you would feel the same.

She is taking this personally because her children not being home as much to be with her is personal. It isn’t about you or your baby and This is naive part coming in.

If she has planned something or dinner it also may be ‘upsetting’ to have their routine changed because of baby.

It isn’t her baby and she doesn’t need to put your child first.

You also sound a bit smug and well again naive to having children.

Yeah it’s a novelty and as the baby gets older and the house continues to revolve around that babies - toys, nap times, routines, bedtimes, tantrums etc his children may visit less (which is every kid I have known with divorced parents).

When they visit less will you think the ex is putting her kids first by not forcing them to visit?

YABU

My DD love her half siblings but her relationship with her dad has suffered hugely. It got progressively worse as the “baby” grew up and had very different wants and activity requirements.
You sound well meaning but naive.

He is 1982 and I’m 1987 I don’t think it’s that big of an age gap

Exactly! Why do they need to be left "standing in the cold"? You’re just scratching around for excuses now.

If your DH and his ex agreed certain days for their children to be with each of them, he should stick to it, and so should you. He should just tell them they can’t come to your house on the days they’re supposed to be with their mum because it was all laid down as part of the divorce settlement. Children even teenagers, don’t have to have everything they want.

I detest the term hands on for fathers. We never say it about mothers.
You mean he actually started doing his bare minimum responsibilities.

To be honest, I think you’re doing the right thing, even if it is upsetting to the mum. The children want to make sure they’re still part of the family, establishing themselves as part of the family with the baby - possibly subconsciously. They don’t want to be pushed out, so need to play an active role to feel secure. That, and newborns are super special.

Maybe the dad needs to have a chat with the kids and explain they they’re always welcome, but their mum might be feeling sad and missing them too, show they he really cares about his original family too. Gently suggest they stick to the agreed nights for dinner, but if they want to pop over to see the baby he’ll drive them back for tea so their mum can plan etc.

If OP's husband had stayed with his ex would you say the same if they'd decided on a third child?

Taking your argument to its logical conclusion, everyone would only have one child, as every subsequent child would impact financially on a household.

Seriously some in of my these comments are mad. The double standards for mums and step mums is insane.

If OP was on here saying she didn't want them popping round unannounced as much because she's trying to cope with a newborn she'd be slaughtered and it'd be all "Their dad's home is their home - the children should come and go as they please!! You're pushing them out for your new baby!!"

But because it's a sainted first wife who's nose is out of joint it's the total opposite 😂F what the kids want, tell them to get back to their mother's house where they belong lest she be upset - even though we all know the best thing for the children is that they are happy re the new baby and welcome to be a part of it.

We’ve told the children no plenty of times and they said they’ve rather come here. It’s only a phase for the time being. It’s not as though we are the ones asking them it is just their choice and we have said no plenty of times. Half terms they wanted to spend almost all their time here albeit it’s chaos at the moment with a baby. We have explained to them and they say they’ve rather prefer it here I’m not sure how to respond to that.

I can't believe a mother can't understand that another mother might be a bit upset at her own children chosing to spend more time with their dad and his new family. Seriously are you usually this lacking in empathy? I've said it before on this thread imagine this is you and your baby - grown up a bit and clearly preferring their dad's new home to yours. how do you feel?

It is what it is and like you say it is probably a phase but have a bit of humanity for another mother would you?

And yes you do sound smug and a bit "we won" about it all. I don't even know what your question is other than asking us all to condemn the ex wife and admit that you are all perfect and the children prefer you.

You haven’t done anything wrong by having a baby with a man who has children with another woman.

Based on your posts, it sounds like you equate her complaining to your h about the teens constantly visiting your house to not respecting your family unit (you, your h, baby and the teens) Her feelings of unhappiness are very understandable and it might not be a temporary infatuation either.

If accepting that “you are one family” means that you want her to allow teens to live with you 100% if they wanted then yabu. Giving up their family life would be heartbreaking for most parents. I realise that you haven’t encouraged this adoration but can you honestly not see why she is upset that the kids are slipping away from her? While it’s lovely that you and your h have a happy bubble with your baby and the teens, it sounds like her bubble is slipping away- have some compassion. It’s not your fault but it’s a shitty situation for her. You’ve not said that she’s a bad mum or anything like that so it is sad that her relationship with the kids is under strain.

You said he was cute.

Then if you think it is just a temporary phase OP, why are you worried about the ex accepting anything? Presumably things will settle down again soon.

The whole "sms are hated/damned if they do/don't" and "people are projecting their own experiences" thing you have been so quick to buy into is a cop out for not looking at the situation head-on.

I have no skin in the game, I neither had a SM nor am I a SM; but I can objectively see why she is feeling upset and cannot objectively understand what you are wanting from her nor why you are posting here.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong. My daughters often choose to spend time more time with their dad. Do I like it, not particularly. I miss them and I'm lonely. But that's my cross to bear. I'm building up my hobbies and friends and trying to get used to spending time alone after 16 years of being a single parent with a dad who did the bare minimum and saw them once a week. I never tell the kids or him that they can't go, they are teens and old enough to go between the two houses as they choose.

It’s something we will have to see and manage as time goes on. I have half siblings and my relationship with my parents didn’t suffer but both my parents made an effort. So we just have to make that effort and see how it goes they’ll be things we get wrong of course but our aim is to make sure none of the children are left out, he’s still their father and will always be their father. It won’t be easy we know but both of us have half siblings and we did discuss because having a child.

If they are old enough to walk to your house from school they are old enough for your husband to say you need to go home for dinner & homework.
It’s not difficult and you and your husband’s faux “what can we do” is nonsense.