AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

Their teens at 16 you can make a decision on a lot of things I think at 16 you’re old enough to know a few things about how you feel. If a 16 year old says how he feels aren’t you supposed to support them that’s all their father is doing and he’s trying to navigate things as best as he can

And got the same response from everyone. Not sure why she came back for another drubbing.

If this is the case @QuirkyRoseLion then it’s nothing to do with your newborn and the ex accepting you, DH and your son are a family now - which is how you positioned the the OP and maybe why you’ve come under fire as having lack of empathy. The teens as you state have been feeling like this for some time and really this is situation that needs to be addressed with all the adults and the teens together. Of course the children can state they prefer to be in one place over another but I also do think trying to get to the bottom of why that is and encourage the current agreement (unless of course their mental health is suffering or their is abuse) is probably the best way. My half sister went through a phase of not wanting to spend time with her biological dad and my Mum always encouraged her to. She ended up having a good relationship with him. As people have said teens don’t/ can’t always get what they want and seeing as a good reason hasn’t really been bought forward as to why they don’t want to be at their Mums, until a formal arrangement is made where it is agreed they come to yours more often I think as others state both you and DH should tell them that from now on you will be sending them back if they attend on their Mums day.

@ThisMachineWillNotCommunicate that is such an excellent post. Show that to your husband, OP.

I don’t think they prefer me. I think they like spending time with their father. Today they’re out with him I’m not always there when them when they’re spending time with him.

I'm giving you feedback. Of course she's not just going to "accept" that her children don't want to be with her and feel another woman and family are more their home than hers.

Imagine when your baby grows up, if the same were to happen. Is that something you would just "accept" and have no feelings about??

Its not your fault but you don't have to come on the internet and moan about the woman having completely ordinary and understandable feelings.

I can't believe you're pushing 40 and this ignorant/self-absorbed.

She can accept you're a family and still be upset she's losing time with her own kids. Christ.

That doesn't mean they can do exactly what they want when they want. They still need to show empathy and kindness to their mother. They don't get spend time with you if it hurts her and their dad needs to be pointing that out to them as well. Their poor mum.

I mean age doesn’t equal maturity

They haven’t been horrible or aggressive towards their mother. I think the worst they’ve said to her was that they would rather be at dads. We haven’t told them to say those things and we’ve had lots of talk with them and they keep reiterating the same things about preferring to be at their fathers and their father has said to them that upsets their mother at times and they have continued to reiterate that it’s how they feel and they would rather be at dads. I don’t think they’re being malicious on purpose. We have asked and asked and we get the same old response.

The dopamine hit. I suspect that’s the motivation behind quite a lot of MN posts.

Couldn’t agree more with this - it would be an investment in their emotional wellbeing - but I suspect it will be met with deflection.

This thread is bullshit, you are assuming the ex is feeling some kind of way! You have made this up entirely out of boredom I assume, go look after your baby and stop 🤣

Yes you’re quite right, and your lack of maturity is definitely coming across in your posts.

I’ll ask again, what exactly were you expecting from your thread?

This is my first time posting about this. Maybe it’s an issue others have experienced. I have friends who have step children etc so it’s not rare. If you believe it is you can choose to not look at the post it’s not a must it’s just one post out of hundreds.

I’ll agree with you.

Look if you’re not going to offer any suggestion and come on like this then not sure what you want me to say. I’ve said you don’t have to look at the post ? It’s not a must there’s others if you disagree.

Seems easy to me.
Confirm what the arrangement is and then stick to it. If they come to you on their Mum's day, send them away again. Keep doing this until they give up. That's what decent shared parenting looks like.

Teens should be able to choose where they spend their time. Not easy being a 2nd Wife, OP enjoy the wee one and time with all the DC. Their individual and collective needs come first. Imho the ExW needs to accept the situation and make the most of the time she does have with her DC. We don’t know what kind of parent she is but it’s clear at the moment the teens prefer being at their Dad’s. OP if asked, would you be amenable to them moving in FT?

I've not said your DH is doing anything wrong.
You're wrong to make an assumption that the mum doesn't accept you're a family and write lengthy posts about how wonderful you and your DH are. I doubt she cares one bit about your relationship or baby, she is sad that the relationship with her DC is changing, which is completely normal and also typical for their age. It is not about you.

I think some posters are being mean to the OP. She’s trying to please everyone here!

I have offered suggestions?

Why would it be met with deflection ? DH is trying his best. He’s confused at what’s gone on and wants to understand he’s sat them down many times individually and together and it’s always the same old they’d rather be with him he’s asked them if anything has happened they say no. If they’re any other ways I’ll take the advice

I hope you'll be so accepting if/when your DH ups and leaves to be with and make babies with a presumably younger woman.

I haven’t said that you’ve said that he’s doing anything wrong ?

Maybe she doesn’t care then

It probably was a different pp tbf. There are lots of these sorts of threads, which is why people get a bit fed up.

I was thinking about this: it's weird it is always the second wives complaining about what a nightmare the first wife is. I don't see it so often the other way around.

Almost as if the first are able to out the relationship behind them but the second have a constant bee in their bonnet about proving what went before was problematic.