AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

Why does he think that? That doesn't align with things going to back how they were when the novelty of the baby wears off.

If they are (apparently) mature enough to make their own decisions about when to see their Mother and Father then they are mature enough to have a conversation about wanting to live with their Dad permanently.
Do they let their Mum know when they're not going to her house? Is she maybe juggling work/stuff to make sure she's there for them and then they don't have the manners to keep her informed? Are they expecting you/DH to drive them back to their Mum's when they've cooed over the baby, disrupting your evening.
I think the children need to be a bit more respectful and that's something their Mum and Dad need to teach them.

I ve read all your posts.

Im a SP so is my DH we have kids together. So we have a house with a mix of step siblings, half siblings and full siblings.

What your DH is doing isn’t ok. He thinks it is because he is beneficial parent in the situation.

She doesn’t have to extend you and him anything outside of sticking to the agreed parenting plan which he isn’t.

Its completely disrespectful of her to allow them to do as they please with no acknowledgment or agreement with her.

There relationship with your child, him and you are of no more importance than their relationship with her.

Why you think it would be ok for them just to decide to not go home and then be told oh they rocked up here and will be staying.

He is teaching them that her time, plans and their relationship with them is of no value.

That is not a good parent or good co parent.

He should be telling them that there is no more turning up unannounced on mums planned days without agreement from both them because their time with her matters just as much as their time with him.

@QuirkyRoseLion AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family?

I don't get it- in what way doesn't his ex accept that you're a family? You have given no examples whatsoever. You only say that she wants to have her children at hers when it's "her" days. So she wants to spend time with her children- how can you interpret that as her not accepting that you're a family??

People are saying show empathy but not explaining. I am understanding and I understand it must be hard but also I cannot control who the kids wants to see ? We’ve tried, we’ve sent them home, we’ve spoken to them, he’s spoken to them, they’ve asked to change the arrangement to spend more time at their father, we all obliged. What more ? I’m not the one that’s making these decisions it’s them they’re the ones asking for these changes.

Read the thread @QuirkyRoseLion. You’ve been given lots of suggestions on how to handle it.

They will keep doing it as long as ypu keep agreeing. A simple “Hi boys, does your mum know you are here? Tonight you are supposed to be at your mums, the baby is sleeping and isn’t ready for the car, and because this wasn’t tonight’s arrangement you have to go home, see you on (next planned visit)”

Then they make their own way home ‘in the cold’ they won’t do it again!

You can't stop them turning up but you can tell them firmly that it's their night to be at their mum's house, that their dad has told them they shouldn't come round and they need to go to their mum's house. And then shut the door.
If you tell people they can't do a thing, but then actually allow them to do it, the words are meaningless.

I have no skin in the game but you have to be quite naive to not think a new baby isn’t going to be a bit crushing for the original wife. Unfortunately it’s a bit of a cliche for men to have a new family and ditch the original kids. Now if your case it sounds like your husband is spending time with his existing children and providing financially.but that doesn’t always happen.

Wow.
Ah well, I suppose we all have opinions, and that's fine....

Maybe stop judging her for being hurt that her time with her kids is being eroded left, right and centre?

Because the children have changed the arrangement they want to come here more and she is understandably upset by that but also it’s the kids who have decided that. I didn’t play a part in their decisions I didn’t tell them what to do. Their father didn’t so I’m not sure what more we can do aren’t the children supposed to come first and their needs met. It’s not like they’re asking to be given alcohol and their father is saying yes it’s that they’re asking to spend more time at their fathers than mothers

Excellent post. Especially this:

What your DH is doing isn’t ok. He thinks it is because he is beneficial parent in the situation.

... And this:

He is teaching them that her time, plans and their relationship with them is of no value.

Empathy doesn’t mean going awww hun. It could include things like, having difficult ongoing conversations with teens about consideration and keeping people informed, and coming down on them like a ton of hot bricks if they act like they can come and go with no consideration for others. Repeatedly if necessary.

Actually your thread title and first post have no mention of suggestions on how to remedy the situation, only that ex wife needs to accept it.

YABU, there are lots of reasons why this might be difficult emotionally for her. She's entitled to her feelings!! What's it got to do with you? You don't even want a relationship with her , so... Unless she's actively doing something to make your life difficult YABVU.

Who’s eroding them ? They’re the ones asking for these changes she is able to speak to them. They’re old enough to sit down and have reasonable conversation with. The same way they asked that the arrangement should be changed

okay how to remedy this situation ? We’ve done everything that we can by speaking to them. We cannot tell them no if they want to ask about changing the arrangements because that’s what they’d prefer ? She agreed to that and now their father thinks they want to spend majority of their time here they haven’t explicitly said that

I think you need to look past your flattery at your home 'feeling more like family' and have a really good think about whether you want to be a full time mother to two boys entering what is often the most challenging part of raising them.
Its all well and good preparing a snack for two politely grateful kids, basking in their compliments and driving them home. But if they were with you full time, that would wear off pretty quick.
You have your own child to think about and balancing their needs with your partners children's would not be a bed of roses. So if I was you I'd be very careful not to over offer at this stage.
The easiest thing for you will be if their mum does the mothering. So you should really be encouraging them towards her.

Nailed it . Parent responsibly and don’t let the kids dictate .

Clearly the issue with their mum is not that you’ve had a baby or that her boys have a sibling, the issue is that her sons are spending all their time at their Dad’s home, including the time they should be at hers. You say you would never try and replace their mum, but surely you can see why their mum must feel like she’s being pushed out if her sons are constantly at yours, even when their dad isn’t there.

It doesn’t sound like you have much empathy, I also find the way you talk about your own baby strange suggesting the ‘novelty’ of him will wear off as if he’s a toy and not their brother who they are building a bond with and who they love. It’s an odd way of thinking about your son and the relationship he will have with his brothers and if anything I’d have thought they will be more interested in him as he gets older and starts to smile and laugh and babble play and crawl etc rather than less interested, my experience is that usually the newborn bit is the bit older siblings find their new sibling to be most boring.

Anyway, it seems completely understandable that the boy’s mum is upset they no longer want to spend time with her and are choosing to reduce it and it’s bizarre you would question why she’s upset with this. If you had a family member or close friend who started cancelling plans to meet you to see somebody else would you not be upset? Surely you wouldn’t just think ‘well I’m happy they have someone else they enjoy spending time with’ without any hurt at all that they no longer want to spend time with you?

If you really can’t see why the mum is upset then I think you need to work on developing your empathy and understanding of other people’s thoughts and feelings. There are suggestions for how to do that here: www.calm.com/blog/how-to-be-more-empathetic

Also please stop wanging on about who is to blame. It does not matter if they are the ones asking for change. This will not affect her feelings. It is immaterial (to her) why the situation is changing.

That’s what we’ve been doing. We have had countless conversations. They have said they’d rather be here. How are we supposed to go about that ? I personally do not know they’re the ones with their own opinions and feelings. We are trying to navigate them.

I’m not blaming the children at all. I’m stating how they feel ? Where have I blamed them if so I apologise that’s not my intention at all I’m simply explaining what’s gone on that’s all

Nah. If you extrapolate that out then people should never have more than one child, even within the same family.

Why on earth do you think simply ‘being together’ means there’s not one person making unilateral, selfish decisions? Selfish people will be selfish regardless of their relationship status.

Of course he can tell them no! Just because they’re old enough to express an opinion doesn’t mean it has to be pandered to. They’re old enough to express they don’t want to go to school, don’t want to eat anything but pizza, don’t want to do their homework etc. Do they get everything they prefer and never have to do anything they don’t want to? If they never hear ‘no’ from their Dad no wonder they want to live with him, because he is being a lazy parent and not instilling any responsibility. Being a Disney dad doesn’t make him a good one.

I think you just say to them that as much as you love seeing them, their mother naturally also wants to see them so they need to stay home a couple of evenings. No big deal, no drama but doing her a favour.