AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

I don't think the OP has come across as gloating at all.

I haven't seen exactly what the ex has done that suggests she doesn't accept the family dynamic though either. What I've seen in the posts is a woman who feels rejected by her children. The baby is probably not the driving reason for her feeling that way.

Presumably if your husband and his ex have both spoken to the children they know and understand why the children feel the way they do?

Presumably there's an agreed arrangement which says the children are with their mother on abc days and their father on xyz days? So if the children deviate from that either way there's a basis for saying actually you're meant to be with your mum, I'll give her a ring and let her know you're on your way?

If its 1 stop on the bus, and they're teens, then presumably they're able to walk to their mums or get on the bus/tube etc without either you or their father needing to hold their hands?

You're not creating this situation but you're definitely enabling it. If all the adults were aligned then it should just be a case of you enforcing the agreement consistently.

As an aside, the children are also old enough to have a conversation with about how their actions impact other people, and how they make their mother feel.

Imagine how that must feel to her OP. I'm not saying you have done anything wrong (although I think their dad should probably not be going down that road of anticipating - and clearly happily - that they will leave their mother and move in with you) but goodness, if you're all saying they basically prefer you now and that your house feels more like family ie hers doesn't - you can't see how incredibly painful that would be to her? She must feel like she is not good enough for them, that she is completely losing them because they prefer you. It doesn't sound like she's actually doing anything wrong, just feeling the way she does, which I am sure you would do in her shoes too. Imagine if years down the line that was you and your child now preferred Dad and the next wife.

This.

No they don’t get everything they want there never has takeaway here or with me as long as I’ve know them. We don’t even eat takeaway in this house. I digress.

They don’t get everything they want but emotionally if they’re upset at home then their father will try and understand. They’re the ones that have said they don’t like being at the other house. Does that mean he should ignore their emotional needs ?

What does accepting your family look like?

Are you asking that she doesn’t complain about the situation with the teens? There’s an easy solution to that - ask your h not to share her complaints with you.

Are you asking that she accepts the teens going to your house whenever they want?

The ex will probably be well aware that legally teens can choose where they live so the current routine is hanging by a thread and she doesn’t want the balance tipping. She’s very human to be terrified that her contact with the teens could end up being much less. It’s not your fault but your h and you can try to help keep it up.

Teens often push boundaries and while it may be awkward and tiresome to say no, it’s also necessary to stick to boundaries so that they learn to respect others.

So much of what is being said is wrong. They are teenagers. I doubt very much that things are set in stone about which parent gets which minute with their shared children. If they are going against a court order than go back to court so the kids can say what they want. Do be considerate to his first wife though. She could be feeling so many feelings, still love him, wanted more children, is lonely and you don't need to add to her unhappiness. Though I can't see who you are, frankly.

@QuirkyRoseLionmy advice is to step out of the situation as its not yours to resolve and carry on as you are.

How long have they not been happy at their mum's?
Your posts tie it in very definitively to the birth of the new baby. If the desire to spend more time with you is unrelated to the baby, it's odd that the two things should have coincided.

And as part of this "reasonable conversation" have you and your DH even attempted to talk to them about how their Mum must be feeling?

Maybe mum insists they wash up after dinner, perhaps she is trying to instil some independence in them by expecting them to do more around the house and of course they would rather be at dads while they are being fussed over - they will know that you are trotting out the ‘their needs come first’ line. But you aren’t putting their needs first, you are letting them dictate what happens, and this is why they want to be at yours.

Turns out this is nothing to do with your original question, and no, I don’t agree that “AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.‘

I think you are infact being very unreasonable all round.

Is their mum still a single parent? Imagine single parenting your children for years and then having them tell you they would rather live somewhere else because it's more of a family. That's going to hurt, not surprised she is upset.

Definitely I understand but also if that is how they feel what am I supposed to do ? Create a hostile relationship in the house for them to hate it. The eldest especially has gone to his father many times to say he’d rather stay here and he can focus more here (somehow) I just think they like how busy the house is I don’t think it’s anything against their mother. It’s just been the older they get the more that want to just be here. It’s nothing we’ve done, their Xbox is at their mother’s house it’s not as though we have things they don’t have at their mums house. I think it’s more emotional and their father is trying to navigate it as best as he can.

The eldest completed his GCSE’s last year, did incredibly well all 9s and 8s and a 7 with and during revision time he preferred to revise here than at his mums and was very upset whenever he had to go there. We aren’t sure what’s happened we’ve asked he just says he feels better here and can focus more. He’s doing a lot better right now and DH just wants him to be in an environment that he can focus in, he’ll be doing his Alevels in 2028 and wants to study at Oxbridge so we are trying our best to support him. If he says he wants to be here then what can we do. It’s better than if he was out and about vaping and all sorts. He is 16 not long till he’s an adult and can ultimately make his own decisions.

Now they don't like being at their mums and yet you can't understand why she's upset?

what was the point of your post other than to gloat?

Do any of you know what the actual term 'parenting' means?

Yep we have tried. The eldest especially is very much against being at his mums most of the time. We've asked him if anything has happened he says no he just says “it’s how I feel”

I do but you’ll tell me I don’t so let’s go with that.

If that’s what you think then you don’t have to read the post ?

i think the teenagers need to sit with their mother and father and discuss arrangements.
Of course, at their age it’s great that they are able to have flexibility to come and go, but as their mother is clearly upset and you say the kids want to live with you full time, then surely a discussion needs to happen. It sounds like the baby has been a catalyst. They are mid teens yes? I think it’s preferable to have a routine, or at least better communication, not just accommodate them as they do as they wish.

They do chores here last I checked they follow the rota when they’re here.

Of course it feels "more like family" when it has two parents in it (like the family setup they had as young children) rather than one!

Quite honestly too, mum needs to accept anyway that once teenagers your dc's make a lot of their own choices and are often not around as much.
If they weren't at their Dads they might be at their mates, or up to all sorts.
But this is nothing to do with op.
This is to do with real life.

YABU to write a lengthy post talking about how great you are and that the ex wife won't accept you're a family when you have zero evidence of that.
You wrote a comment about how she is upset she isn't seeing much of her children. That has nothing to do with you or with not accepting your marriage or child. It is about her own children and her relationship with them. You need to get over yourself.

What do we do about that ? The eldest is 16 I feel as though at 16 it’s better to want to be at your dads than if he was out vaping not sure if that’s out now but I see lots of kids with vapes these days.

There are ways to support their emotional needs without just saying they don’t have to stay there any more. Unless there are safeguarding issues happening which make them feel unable to stay at their mum’s house he should be supporting them to maintain that relationship with their mum.

He can support his sons and help them build their emotional capacity and resilience whilst supporting their relationship with their mum. This could look like having conversations to help them unpack why they don’t feel comfortable, encouraging them to sit down and talk with their mum, working with their mum to agree on a plan that works, reminding his sons how much their mum loves them and encouraging them to see their mum’s point of view etc. He also has to consider their long term emotional needs and how important having good, loving relationships with both parents is to that. If he encourages them to move in with him full time how is that going to affect them emotionally in a year or two years time if it damages their relationship with their mum? Parenting isn’t just about doing what your child wants in the moment, it’s about considering what is good for their long term emotional wellbeing. Unless there is a reason to think living with their mum is causing emotional harm (eg: due to abuse etc) then the best thing for their emotional wellbeing is unlikely to be moving in with dad full time rather than continuing a shared arrangement.

What’s with the weird obsession with vaping?!