AIBU to things my husbands ex wife needs to accept that we are now one family.

[QuirkyRoseLion]

I've been with my husband for five years. He has two children from his previous marriage and we welcomed our baby together in August.

Ever since we announced I was pregnant,his ex has been noticeably upset about the situation. I do understand that it might have been an adjustment for her, but equally, we weren't having a baby to upset anyone. It was simply the natural progression of our relationship and something we wanted together. I’m not getting any younger, I’m in my late 30s, we plan to have another child but again I am in my late 30s so not sure about that. I think 5 years with someone is enough to have a child. We’ve bought a house together, we’ve had time and believe it was part of being together and having a child was something we both wanted.

The thing is, the children absolutely adore the baby. They always want to see their dad, spend time at our house and be involved in family life here. I have always made an effort to makethem feel welcomeand included. They have their own bedrooms, their own belongings and their own space here. This is their home too.

I actually thought it would be a positive thingfor their mum that I have a good relationshipwith herchildren. Surely it's better that they feel comfortable and happy in their dad's home,rather than feeling like visitors or outsiders?

I would never try to replace their mum, and I have no desire to interfere with her relationship with them.But I also don't think we should have to make our family smaller or pretend the baby doesn't exist to make her feel more comfortable.

My husband is still their dad, they are still very much part of his life, and now they have a little brother s too.

AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?

His children are old enough to form their own opinions and decide if they want a relationship with their sibling and they’ve chosen to have a relationship. Surely that is a good thing.

How would you feel if every time you picked up your baby, he cried for his dad? You'd feel rejected and upset? Should your husband say to you when you tell him how you feel that you need to accept his their dad? Or would it be nicer if he said he understood, and just hear you? That's a bit how she feels.

I have also been empathetic I do feel for her but not sure how else to go about it. We have talked to the kids, DH has talked to the kids on his own and with their mother. They’ve been told when they’re on the bus home if they’re supposed to be at their mums that’s where they should go and sometimes they just don’t do that. What else are we supposed to do. Any suggestions would be great genuinely. We thought once they asked to change the arrangement that would be it but it’s not and he think they want to be here permanently/full time. He’s also trying to navigate that the best way he can.

Youve been given suggestions in this thread and have completely ignored them

Why do they need driving home for a journey that takes 2 minutes on the bus?
You're talking a mile distance maximum, and probably a lot less as a bus in London traffic isn't the fastest moving mode of transport.

I definitely understand that. What I’m trying to get suggestions for is what else are we supposed to do now. We’ve talked to them together, their father has and both parents have talked to them together. They have ignored the conversations and continue to turn up. They have asked for the arrangement to change that was done yet it doesn’t stop there and she is getting upset and moaning about it to him when she should speak to the children maybe let them know because they seem oblivious I don’t think they’re doing it to hurt anyone.

The ex-wife might well be elated that they have a nice step-mum but also be sad that they have the family she wanted. And also be sad that her children prefer to spend their time somewhere else.

Some of the people on this thread seem to be seriously lacking in empathy. Or lack the imagination that it might be them one day.

What will happen when you return to work at the end of maternity leave? Will there still be someone in the house when they turn up from the school bus? What about homework, do you support them with their homework and sign off their prep books while they are with you or are they returned to their mum later in the evening with work outstanding?

I think if you put yourself in your DH’s ex’s shoes for a moment, you should have a better understanding. Imagine you divorce and your DS wants to spend more time with your DH and new girlfriend or DW and they posted on a public forum stating your DS would be happier living with them and seeing you a few times pm?

Am I not allowed to drive if that’s what I’d like to do ? It’s the next stop even on the local bus and tube. It’s walkable to but I choose to drive. We live in west London not central London.

There is nothing even slightly argumentative in my post @FindingMeno ? Sounds like you are the i e wanting an argument my dear.

My own DC have a ‘welcoming, caring stepmum’ and that situation pleases me. But I also have a good relationship with her and I know she supports and re-inforces my parenting decisions. This in the past included not rising to my child trying to play us all off against each other at the start, this was nipped in the bud, like this situation should be. Teenagers can be like this, as a mother you must be aware? OP should get on board and stop the gloating. Job done 🤷‍♀️

@QuirkyRoseLion firstly congratulations on your baby! Secondly I think the answer to

“AIBU to think she needs to accept that this is the reality now and that the children having another happy, loving home to go to is a good thing? Or am I being naive how difficult this must be for her?” is both things are true. Of course this is an incredibly painful time for her. It must be hard splitting time with your children full stop - that’s surely the worst bit about divorce when children are involved. It must be even harder when your kids don’t want to spend time with you due to a new step sibling. This of course is nobody’s fault - it’s the way of life. You’ve said many a time the novelty will wear off but that still doesn’t make it less upsetting for her.

I’ve read all your posts and I can’t see anywhere where this woman is refusing to accept that you are a family. It sounds like she is merely expressing her upset at the situation. With your update of your DH believing the kids will want to spend more time with you both in the future, perhaps she can also sense that and that’s feeding into why she’s so upset. Of course teenagers will has to be taken into account and if as you say you’ve encouraged them multiple times to stick to the arrangement and spend time with their mother then perhaps nothing more you can do but I think (unless there’s something else she’s doing) it’s not that unreasonable for her to voice that she’s upset about the situation

If they are regularly going to your house instead of their Mum's then it sounds like there are more reasons behind it than just wanting to spend time with the baby. Your DH needs to ask them outright about it. It could be anything from teens wanting to stay somewhere closer to school and friends to something they dislike about being with their Mum. Different situations would require different responses.

But that is not the ops fault.
She is, I am sure, quite aware of how mum feels, but there's not a lot she can do.

She could show empathy.
Nobody is blaming her.

you popped the baby out?

How is that pointed at the dad? You directed it at OP.
It really doesn’t seem like the children are at all negatively impacted financially or with time by their dad having another child.

You have displayed no empathy whatsoever. You can say you have, but it is definitely not coming across in your posts.

What needs to happen is thst your husband (not you) has some deep and meaningful discussions about why the kids suddenly apparently want to move in with you. He needs to be explicit in asking:

• has something happened with mum?
• do we do something different day to day that you prefer?
• are you worried your new baby sibling means I love you less and that if you’re not here all the time, I will forget about you?

You should also be enforcing basic respect and decency from the kids, to their mum. Do not let them turn up without notifying yheir mum in advance. If you “encourage them” to do that but they forget, then you ask them every time and sit with them while they call or message her. That’s teaching them basic consideration.

I was with you OP but honestly, you come across as though you don't really give a damn about the first wife and I suspect it won't always be happy sibling families, now that you have your own child together. It's great that there seems to be oodles of cash because that removes a big bone of contention.

I would personally try and meet the ex wife half way or even 25% of the way. Be the bigger person. You have the man, the family etc etc. I'd be wanting to alleviate another's suffering.

You say you didn't know him before the divorce but I detect an animosity towards her. Do you think she's difficult generally? Have you had a lot of negative experiences with her?

Their father always looks at their prep I don’t think their mother helps them with any that’s always been their father. For as long as I’ve known them which is 5 years so maybe previous to that.

I’m returning back to work part time and DHs mum is going to help out. My mum will be helping one day and his mum will be helping the other day then baby will start nursery that’s all been confirmed as the place when even confirmed when I was 22 weeks pregnant before it’s chaotic in London at the minute with nursery spaces.

I don’t think too much of it is revealing but he knows I’m on mumsnet because I show him stuff from here.

You haven’t actually said how she is upset or behaves to show this?

You can do whatever you like. But in some of your earlier posts you said that it was awkward to drive them home as you had to get baby ready first so you had to invite them into the house as if it was something you had no choice about. Whereas you always had the choice to tell them that it was their mum's night and they needed to go to her house.

Yeah but you as 2 parents would decide what's best for everyone, not one of you unilaterally and selfishly deciding that others have to miss out. I see no need for second families. Not ever.

Have your kids, if you then split up then that's sad, each of you should feel free to have other relationships, sure, but no other children. Pour your energy into the kid(s) you have who you have a responsibility to protect from the destabilising effects of your own actions. It may not be ideal for you but so what?

I think while you are doing nothing wrong, you lack empathy. I think it’s coming from the selfish teenagers.

So they have a new sibling. Amazing. Their mum has planned her evenings, cooking etc around their normal week. Suddenly they’re off at their dads every night. Leaving her to it, last minute etc etc.

all of a sudden they’ve got somewhere better to go. Meanwhile she’ll do their laundry and clear up after them while having to hear how amazing everything is at your house. Lovely.

It’s pretty shit, and teenagers can lack self awareness too.

by saying the teenagers can do whatever they like when they like is great when it suits you and them but usually backfires.

Not being in a position to do anything about the situation doesn't mean you can't be empathetic.

Haven’t had negative experiences with her. I don’t know her personally we say hi and have small talk that’s all pretty much. I understand it must be difficult but also I haven’t done anything to make it this way, I haven’t said to her children they should ask to switch the arrangement that’s all them. We try our best to make sure they have a relationship with their mother but they seem to want more with their father the older the get I don’t think it’s to hurt her but also I cannot control who they want a relationship with more. All I can do is if they turn up here when they’re not supposed to is take them home but I cannot control that they turn up here on days that they shouldn’t. It’s their father’s house, we’ve talked to them, he has talked to them separately and with their mum. I’m not sure what else we can do which is why I will take suggestions but also they get a say in who they see, you can’t force them.

And she could hold the teens to the arrangement that they agreed to. If they turn up on days that they'd agreed not to, she should make it clear that their mum is waiting for them and that they need to go to where they're supposed to be.

Both she and her DH are employing the wimpish 'but what can we do?' response when there's something very clear that they can do. Send them to their mum. But of course they'd lose popularity points that way, and they don't want to

OP, this doesn't actually sound like a problem to me. The kids sound old enough to pop in and visit for whatever reason and whilst we had a schedule with my step kids they get to an age when they are independent and they can go where they like. I would never have my step kids pop in and not welcome them/offer them dinner even if it wasn't our 'turn' and you've obviously made them feel really welcome as they are doing just that. You can't repel them to make them want to see their mum more. It wouldn't work and wouldn't be nice.

You are also in a really nice phase where you are home lots with a baby so they can pop in and see their sibling. Enjoy it, I reckon. My DSC loved the baby and are still pretty nice to her now she's no longer especially cute, but their own lives and the fact that they don't live with us mean they don't see her all the time so I would just enjoy now.

I can't believe they don't want to see their mum just because there is a baby. Is there more going on?

My relationship with DHs ex is good and she once looked after my DC when she was small. She has always been very kind to my DD, as have her mother and father.

We can only guess what their mother is feeling and you can't ask. I can see she might feel a bit bereft that they want to be at your house more but this is a conversation your DH needs to have with the teenagers. You can't make the same sort of rules when they're bigger. Two households where they are welcome sounds like a good deal.

Sorry you have had some rather accusatory comments on here. Being a step parent is quite the ride. You sound to me like you are doing a great job.