To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

I'd just not bother with someome so bloody rude. Certainlywouldnt be pussyfooting around trying to appease her . Let her stick with the husband and kids. You live your own life

@ConfusedGranS I am sorry about how you are feeling. It doesn’t appear from what you have said that you would have caused offence to your DIL.
It’s most likely nothing to do with you at all💐.
My sister absolutely detests her MIL who has always lived a long way from her and has never actually done or said anything wrong that I am aware of. I have asked my sister outright what the problem is. I have never received a definitive answer.
My Aunt (by marriage) behaved like this towards my Grandmother for a couple of years. My GM was convinced she had done something to upset her. She tormented herself (and us!) with it. It turned out my Aunt and Uncle were in the process of ending their marriage. It was absolutely nothing to do with GM.

The DIL sounds bloody awful.

DPILs and me are very different. MIL stopped work in her 20s when she had DH, she is a lovely woman but has a "small world". There are various things where we don't see eye to eye. When DD1 was born, they did a couple of things that I found a "bit much" like coming for several weekend stays in the first 3-4 mos.

But as a normal person with social skills, I can get over myself enough to appreciate that she has strengths I don't have (she is very patient, good at crafting and baking). And I can make warm small talk with her. And that means long term, we have a very cordial relationship, DH isn't isolated from his parents, and my kids have a great relationship with a wonderful grandmother who brings stuff to the table that I don't have.

Our conversations generally do focus on the grandkids as that's what we have in common. That's fine.

Anyone eyerolling or playing weird mindgames like being inexplicably cold is an arsehole or totally lacking normal communication.

You need to see your son - ALONE - and say all this to him. Say how you feel, that you’ve love to have the 4 year old alone, you’d love to spend time with them in a relaxed manner. Your daughter in law has been rude multiple times, and you’re sick of it. You don’t feel welcome.

Honestly it’s for him to pick this up and make your time with their family better.

He might say something you’ve done that she didn’t like. Then you can apologise and move forward.

You also need to spell out the consequences if things don’t change. You won’t be close to him. You won’t be close to the kids. He won’t be able to rely on you. And this isn’t you being mean and “punishing” him it’s simply a natural consequences of what’s happening at the moment and he needs to check if he is ok with that. If not, something needs to change.

After that conversation I would immediately back off. It’s in his hands what he wants. Don’t offer to go over. Don’t invite them. Be less available for calls. Frankly, you should focus on your other family who can be civil. Save yourself the grief!

I don’t understand it and never will. I have photos of all four parents plus our 5 brothers (husband 3, me 2,) all holding our babies in the hospital.

Me lying there looking knackered but so chuffed!

DIL sounds like a nightmare.

You sound as if you have been nothing but nice to her and all your suggestions and offers have come from a really good place.

It sounds like you are trying hard with her but all you seem to be doing is treading on eggshells with her. You think about what you say before you say it to her, then have to wonder if you have said the right or wrong thing. She sounds exhausting.

As for her sarcasm and rudeness when you ask her questions. How old is she, 15? She needs to learn to communicate like an adult.

As far as not allowing her DH to let his mum know that her grandchild had arrived safely. If that is not controlling I don't know what is. Just because she gave birth, doesn't give her the right to stop him from texting his parents the good news and allow her to call all the shots. Hideous.

I would stop being so nice to her to be honest. It is not working and for some reason she clearly doesn't seem to like you.

But your DS needs to grow a pair as being a parent isn't about one setting all the boundaries and the other getting no say at all.

I know!

I don't get it either.

When I gave birth, both sets of parents were there within hours, at the hospital, holding and meeting the new baby. Then my brother showed up, then my best friend and her kids. Everyone had a hold of the baby, even my friends kids had a cuddle.

When did it all get so precious that Mum needs to be wrapped in cotton wool and no-one gets to touch and see the baby for weeks on end?

I don't understand it at all. The world has gone bonkers!

Yep - I get not wanting ILs visiting when you’re bleeding and in hospital but not allowing him to tel his own parents that his own child was born?

Wtf, and where is his backbone? ‘Sorry DW, I’ll ask them to hold off on visiting but I’m sharing the news’.

If you think there's a specific issue between her & you then that's potentailly worth talking about BUT you have to separate that out from some of the other things you've mentioned,

They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay.

I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it.

These are things to address with your son, if they needed addressing, not your DIL. It's worth considering if you're sending the wifework her way & if that could be at the root of it all.

Yes, this!

I had a traumatic birth with my twins, and they were in HDU and we didn't have visitors for a couple of days as BoyTwin had to have an MRI and some other gubbins, and it was all just a blur.

But we'd told family about 2/ 2.5h after they were born. No biggie, just DH ringing MIL to say "can't talk much, but they're here! Yep... yep.... Gertrude and Brian, 4 lbs each.... better get back to it, speak soon"

I mean HTF is that "de-centring" the new mum and what on God's earth does that even mean......

She’s got a full time nanny and housekeeper .

Obviously it's hard to call it when we only have one perspective but going on what you've said, she sounds pretty horrible. Like she simply sees no need to bother with you.
I'd be hurt too.

You say that she’s relaxed and happy around your son’s siblings ie your children… have you chatted with his siblings about how you feel?

Does your husband feel the same about DIL?

DIL sounds awful and the son spineless - I know quite a few of these men who go along with this alienation of their family of origin to keep the peace or because some numbskull told them 'happy wife, happy life'. It's pathetic and I would be more annoyed with the son than the DIL (around aspects such as the telling late of the birth, no one on one time, etc - the rudeness and coldness is the DIL's to own, maybe she is simply not a nice person)

It's awful to read this op, so sad that she is being like this. Asking won't achieve anything, people who treat others unfairly never admit why.

She just does not want to spend time with you and that of course will hurt but you have to just accept it. Her ott behaviour when feeding the ducks but then is happy to leave the dc with nanny seems absolutely batshit.

Just play along, bide your time and hopefully when the kids are older your ds will spend time with you and leave miserable dw at home.

Not telling you about the birth until the next day when other dgp actually visited in hospital was bad mannered and cruel.

She does not sound like a nice person. Probably always like this but the smiley friendly person you knew premarriage and babies all put on.

Is she close to her own parents @ConfusedGranS ?

Yes what do your other dc make of it?

OP, no one on here will know who is to blame here. We do not know you, your son or your DIL. I would stop asking to have the grandchildren on their own. You know what the answer will be. It might improve as the grandchildren get older.

She may simply not like you Op.

How often do you see each other? How often does your son visit without his wife?

3 WEEKS??

I am sorry, but that is so disrespectful.
I think she has got what she wanted (your son) and now can't be bothered with his family.

It will be hard - but I think you need to pull back and stop chasing her.
See the grandchildren when you see your son.

My Goodness, I have a weird fascination for these ‘hate the MIL’ threads. So much bias towards the DIL. My mother hated her MIL and as a result I had very little relationship with my grandmother. As I grew older, and when she died, I thought about her outside of my DM’s views and felt sad I had never known her really.
Women are often threatened by other women and it isn’t always the MIL’s fault, it can go either way. I thank God I never had sons.
I have made friends with my SIL’s mother so we can meet and talk about the wonder of our joint granddaughter as wouldn’t want to repeat the shit of this ridiculous rivalry so often shown on here

I like how everyone is twisting themselves into knots trying to explain the DIL's behaviour when the truth seems to be that she's just a Grade A bitch. Shame your son has married one - there are a lot of them about. I'd keep my distance and stop trying to help her out as it's not appreciated.

Wow your DIL sounds like a nasty, horrible bitch! Your son however, needs to grow a backbone and defend his parents! These are his children too! He too can unilaterally decide if his parents see his children alone or not! Speak to your son candidly, OP. Openly & honestly, before these babies grow up not knowing you

My sil is also like this. I can see that my mum can be quite annoying but its painful to watch how she's treated. I think my brother is useless at handling the situation and think my mum blames my Sil but should redirect her attention on to my brother who never calls her and passively allows her to be cut out of their lives. I would defintely speak to your son in a nonaccusatory way.