To ask why my DIL is being cold?

[ConfusedGranS]

My son and daughter-in-law are both in their 30s and have two children, aged 4 and a baby.
Before they got married, I always had a lovely relationship with my DIL. She was friendly, warm and seemed very happy to spend time with us. However, since they got married, I’ve noticed a real change in her attitude towards me and my husband.
She’s become quite cold and distant. When we visit, I feel as though she puts on a face and is just being polite for the sake of it. There’s an uncomfortable atmosphere that wasn’t there before.
A few things have made me notice the difference even more. For example, she doesn’t seem to behave this way when my son’s siblings (the children’s aunts and uncles) visit. She’s perfectly relaxed and friendly with them. It’s specifically when we’re around that things seem strained.
They have a four-bedroom house, and there’s a spare bedroom, but we’ve never been invited to stay. Both children currently sleep in their parents’ room, so it’s not as though there isn’t space. I appreciate that nobody is obliged to host us, and I’m not particularly bothered about staying there, but it does feel as though we’re being kept at arm’s length.
I also feel that we’re not really encouraged to have much involvement with the children. We’ve offered to babysit, but they’ve never taken us up on it. They have a full-time nanny and housekeeper, so I appreciate they have childcare arrangements in place, and I’m not suggesting we’re entitled to look after the children. We’ve never been left alone with them, and as far as I’m aware, we’ve never done anything to make them uncomfortable or given them any reason to question our care of the children.
For context, my DIL comes from a considerably wealthier background than we do. We’ve never had the same financial means as her family, but we’ve always tried to be welcoming and supportive. I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it, and I don’t want to make assumptions.
I’ve spoken to my son about whether anything is wrong, but his response is always along the lines of “No, no, everything’s fine”. He doesn’t elaborate, and I don’t want to put him in the middle or create problems in their marriage.
I’m genuinely not looking for an argument or demanding a closer relationship than she wants. I’m quite happy to respect boundaries and be a hands-off grandmother if that’s what they prefer. I’m also happy to change anything about my behaviour if I’ve unknowingly done something to upset her.
What I find difficult is the awkwardness and not knowing where I stand.
Would I be unreasonable to ask my DIL directly, perhaps privately, whether I’ve done something to upset her or whether there’s anything she’d like me to do differently? Or is that likely to make things even more uncomfortable?
I don’t want to force a relationship, but equally, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want to understand why things have changed so much.

Honestly if you want to spend more time with your grandchildren which is what it seems the main issue is. Then organise it with your son.

If you don't see your grandchildren it is your sons responsibility.

Arrange to see him and the children.

She has a nanny and a housekeeper. I had the same when my kids were that age and I most definitely was not knackered.

So because you weren’t, she can’t be? OP only knows what she sees and maybe what her son and his siblings say. There could be underlying issues that OP is not aware of.

OP just ask. You’re already uncomfortable so might as well personally ask her. Say you have noticed xyz and wondering if there is something you have done, said, or given an impression that has bothered her, made her feel uncomfortable, etc.

If you ask her you have to be prepared to listen. And if she does bring up incidents of where you have upset her or reasons why she is keeping you at arms length (if she is) you need to not get defensive and let her express her feelings. If you jump in with reasons why she’s wrong or dismiss her feelings then any conversation you have with her will make things a million times worse.

Agree.

From what you have written, I can see how some things would be fine to some and to others it would get their back up depending on the personality, their own experiences with other family members, etc.

Some wouldn’t mind if a family member offered to help and some (depending on the family member) would see it as a family member saying that the person can’t cope/handle it and/or said family member stepped in make a song and dance about it and later use it to tell others how ‘helpful’ they are being or making their help more grandiose than it really is.

There’s also just because you offer help, doesn’t mean the person has to accept it because you want them to or you have automatically had to have done something for them not to take it.

I’ve politely turned down help from both my mother and MIL when I had my children (was a childcare provider for over a decade before I met my DH so not inexperienced) and my mil accepted my answer while my mother would question it, say something negative , continue nagging, until I finally relented. My younger sister thought I was being mean to our mother until she had her first child, and ended up shouting at her over the same behaviour she does to me and things are still tense between them because our mother continues and my niece is 2.5 yo.

@Backpain2026
I have another child living around 15 mins drive from theirs, and I stay there regularly. The idea of me taking the baby out to the park would be to come over at, let’s say 7am, my son or DIL hand me either the baby all dressed and ready to go, or just a freshly woken up baby that I can dress and get ready so we head out and they go back to bed / have a relaxed morning.
it was just an idea to help out.

I don’t live close, around 2hrs drive from their house.

Unless she is a snob. Or just a mean controlling person. Then I would suspect that she has been told things by your son. Maybe he has had said some negative things about his childhood and she worries about you around her children. Or he has exaggerated things about his childhood or you and his dad.
Really you need to face to face talk to him.

I think you should stop mentioning or offering to have the DC on your own.

You may have literally said anything and it’s pissed her off. I think she sounds very rude.

I think you need to talk to your son about it again. Give him examples. Id definitely want to know if my husband wqs being rude to my mum. Alternatively ask her if youve upset her the next time she does it.

I reckon he has told her something about you / your parenting.

He clearly is also fine with you never having them alone or even 10m away as he could go for a walk with you guys and the children when you visit and go to the park without her with the children and let you but he doesn’t.

She’s not pushing out the siblings or cold with them so it’s not about cutting him off from his family or hating his family entirely. This is personal to you / your husband.

I agree with this. She sounds rude and dismissive. I would have been really grateful if my ILs had offered to take my children out to give me a break (they didn't).

Hurtful as it is, I think you should match her energy @ConfusedGranS by being polite but not particularly warm. You are upsetting yourself trying to understand why? But will most likely never know the answer.

It’s not really helpful though is it? It’s what you really want to do dressed up as help for them. It’s disingenuous to pretend it’s anything else.

That would be horrible to me.

Why would I want to be up at 7am guest ready to hand over my child / baby for a park trip. Bonkers.

Also this. Its difficult to receive anything other than support for the DIL here regardless of the situation.You will get posters like me who always interpret the scenario from both perspectives. On this occasion especially given your post you have my support. I hope this lady with all the wealth & help she has can see things from your point of view.

Has the sibling 15 minutes away ever had the older child alone or further than arms length. Be interesting although they could lie and say no to not hurt your feelings.

We have had threads on MN posted by DILs who feel stressed and threatened because they felt their PIL were obsessed with having their grandchildren “to themselves”, when the DILs didn’t feel ready for or comfortable with that. Perhaps she thinks you are one of those, OP, and keeps you at arm’s length for that reason.

Come on, that's mean. It sounds as if DIL is not offering much else so it's probably incredibly awkward to talk to her. I'm very close to my parents-in-law. Luckily they're easy going, dad can be cantankerous but funny but I'm also an open and accepting person.

Even though we see them regularly and I've known them for 30+ years they comment on my now late teen boys and how tall they are. They say it nearly every time - how rude it would be of me to roll my eyes. How mean too.

Jeez.

Pretty ignorant as I posted.

I'd go beserk if my MIL did this. The relationship is not that of friends, the foundation of which is based on liking each other. OP is entitled to see her grandchildren, but is not entitled to anything more than politeness and good manners from her DIL. To put pressure on DIL to create a 'loving and close relationship' would be absurd and only serve to push her away

Why does everything have to be about what youre "entitled" to?

That's an awful way to treat the father of your child's parents.

I don't understand your question at all

Same nor would I expect or want anyone to drive 2 hours to do so.

Once I’m up and have dressed toddler it is hard to just go back to sleep. Our toddler is velcro with me when she wakes up. She is only in the past few months allowed DH’s parents to take her out alone and she just turned 3. She has seen them way more than my parents (they live in the States) and the only one she warmed up to before this was her 11 yo female cousin outside us and her brothers.

Good grief ! I wouldn't be needing nor wanting my baby dressed fed and ready just so grandma can take baby to the park at 7am in the morning. Some people don't get back to sleep once they are awake so what are the mum and dad going to do from 7am onwards.

or is this some wierd suggestion re their sex life ?

Yes you do

"extended family" my ass, and I cannot believe that her parents were there before you even KNEW. That is crazy. I am so sorry for you @ConfusedGranS .

I also wouldn't want to be the person whom you are staying with, as you will make noise before you leave at 6.45am

Is she just a raging snob?

What do your other children do for jobs?

The only other thing I can think of is your son may have told her stories of his childhood that she has decided means you/your husband are bad partners. Might explain why your son is so sheepish.