To think an apprenticeship will be a disaster for DD?

[HaggardRagingTired]

DD is 16 and just started college. She has ASD and a very patchy educational backstory - she missed secondary from the start of year 8 until the start of year 11 as she couldn’t cope with mainstream, the meltdowns at school and at home were unreal. It took those years and 2 applications to get an EHCP in place, and she returned to school for year 11 in a small 1-2-1 setting and sat a few GCSEs and passed a couple (not maths though unfortunately).

Because of her GCSE grades she couldn’t do the college course she’d planned on doing, so she’s having to do a level 2 course and her maths resit. She’s been surprisingly good at going (missed a few days) and seemed to be coping pretty well, she’s just had her first assignment back and she got 100% in it, and she’s done her first maths resit exam today.

The trouble is finds the course boring, she doesn’t lack intelligence and it was just because of the time she missed in school that she didn’t get better grades. I point out to her a lot that this is just something she’s going to have to suck up for a year, get that under her belt and her maths, and she’ll have more options next year.

While she was out of school, in year 10 she did a post 14 level 1 course at a college in hairdressing. She managed to finish the course but she didn’t particularly enjoy it and was very clear afterwards that she didn’t want to be a hairdresser.

Fast forward to now and she’s decided that she’s bored of college already, and wants to do an apprenticeship. She has a trial shift on Friday at a hairdressers. It doesn’t matter how many times I remind her that she doesn’t want to be a hairdresser and if she leaves college now with just 2 GCSEs, she’s going to find it hard to change her mind in the future if she decides that actually she doesn’t want to do hairdressing.

Also, I know her. She is VERY demand avoidant, it’s virtually impossible to get her to do anything she’s asked, she finds being around people a lot draining, and she has a pretty stroppy attitude in general. She’s never had a part time job and so has no idea what working is like. She finds it hard to stick to things and she doesn’t have any desire to be a hairdresser, this is just a way to get out of going to college. I’ve also explained that she’s going to have to get herself there (30 miles away), no matter what the weather, all year round with no school holidays to break it up, and she’ll have to tow the line and do what she’s asked without complaining or they’ll just sack her.

There’s also the financial aspect of me being a single parent, if she leaves education then I no longer get UC for her, and by the time I’ve paid the bills and mortgage I will be stony broke on what I earn. So I won’t have spare cash to help her to learn to drive and get a car, I won’t be able to spend the sort of amount she’s used to for Christmas and birthdays, or pay to take her on holiday. She’ll be effectively an adult responsible for her own finances and paying for the things she wants and needs. And she 💯 doesn’t have the maturity to do that.

I think the most likely scenario is it will go tits up real quick, either they’ll get sick of her or vice versa, and then it will be the worst of both worlds as she’ll be out of college and have no job and two GCSEs.

I’ve explained all this to her and it’s falling on deaf ears; she wants to leave college now and this is the way to do it, she can’t see any further than that. And I’m the bad guy for trying to stop her.

AIBU for trying to convince her not to do this?

She can have 3 years post-16 education. Longer with an EHCP.
So lay it all out, calmly. What it will mean in terms of travel , finance etc. Then if she is still determined let her try, let it go tits up and she can go back to college next year.

The problem with that is how we manage financially in the meantime, if she’s not earning anything and I no longer get UC for her. And I can’t see her going back to do a level 2 course, because she hates the one she’s doing. She has very grand ideas about what she wants to do but doesn’t seem to appreciate that there are certain steps to get there, and no shortcuts.

Especially as this will be during the time that she turns 17 and will want to learn to drive. Again, she doesn’t want to wait to do that.

You laid the cards out to her and that's the best you can do for now. You can't prevent her from making a decision, however unwise.
She will either hate her shift on Friday or will double down. As long as you stick to what you said (not helping with travel, holidays etc) them she will need to work this out herself.
She can always sit online exam without having to formally go to college. I had to do it as needed a certificate for my job which wasn't a requirement at the time when I trained.
What I am trying to say is that she has options and you may not have any choice but to let her explore them.

You’re right, but I’m not sure there’s very much that you can do.

if she leaves college now with just 2 GCSEs, she’s going to find it hard to change her mind in the future if she decides that actually she doesn’t want to do hairdressing

Not really. Education isn't now or never. Plenty of time to go back when she's more motivated.

Maybe this will be the making of her. Maybe it won't, but let her try. What will you do anyway when the UC stops?

Then you remind her that you had a discussion about driving and she no longer has any option but to finance it herself. It won't be pretty but stand firm. What else can you do? You can't force her to go to college.

One of the hard things about parenting teens is when you are pretty sure it’ll go wrong but they do it anyway.

she’s got a trial shift. See how that goes.

I know I can’t stop her, but it’s like watching a car crash in slow motion. I have been very clear about the financial aspect, and also told her that the new iPad she convinced me to buy her last month because she needed it for college can be her Christmas present if she’s not actually going to college. Then I got accused of not giving her any choice about staying at college, and I said no you do have choices, but this is going to be the reality of making that choice, it’s not going to be possible to have it both ways.

Amen to that. I certainly did some pretty daft things as a teenager but I was in a bit of different situation as I came from a family that financially could cushion my terrible choices, whereas I’m a single parent in a cost of living crisis.

Are you giving her choices though ? You seem to want her to continue her education so you continue to get UC

Why would she not be paid as an apprentice?

I completely understand but I also made a lot of unwise decisions as a teenager and it all worked out fine. Also ASD, had difficulty in school and left without qualifications, worked in catering, trained in hairdressing them went to uni in my 30s, then masters in my 40s, now have a senior role, a house, really good life and generally I am a pretty functional adult.
My mum genuinely thought I would end up unemployed and on the streets. It took a long time to find my passion but I got there through trial and error.
The same outcome is not guaranteed for your daughter but she is just at the beginning of her life and needs an opportunity to explore. You set firm boundaries, let her experience the consequences of her choices. She may be just fine...eventually.

I am giving her a choice but pointing out that she’ll be on her own when it comes to getting herself on the road etc, as I won’t be able to help her. I won’t get UC too much longer for her anyway so that’s not really the end of the world for me, but it will make a huge offender to her as I think she’ll struggle to pay for lessons, a car and insurance on an apprentice’s wage. If she sticks out college until the end of this year that will make things a lot easier.

And she doesn’t want to be a hairdresser, she knows that, if this was a job doing something she was really interested in I would be backing her, but she knows from the course she did that she doesn’t want to do hairdressing.

Nowhere near the amount of child element on UC plus child benefit and there may be a child disability element too if she gets dla. It’s a big financial hit

She would be paid, but she’d need to use that money to support herself, rather than expect me to support her. I can see her blowing all her money a week after payday and then not having the train fare to get to work for the rest of the month.

I think she will get there eventually, I just wish she’d make life easier for herself by sticking with college, she is in a rush to earn money and be an adult but as we all know adulting is a bit shite at least 90% of the time.

Difference, not offender, not sure where that came from!

If she’s resitting her maths gcse now in November then there’s a chance she passes so would have Maths and English.
She’s done well getting a trial shift.
I’d probably write everything down or email her setting out the financial implications.
It is her choice but be clear about the financial situation.

Hopefully she’ll pass this time, although we won’t know until January.

Follow teen asd mum. They are infuriating but then any teen is.

It will probably be a car crash but one she will have to deal with.

Would she be willing to do the maths as evening class?

Yabu. She should make her own choices. It could be the making of her

I doubt it, she’s not willing to do very much 😩

It may well be a big financial hit but come on OP you should have been planning for this, and looking to be able to increase your income around this time, and yes I am also the parent of an adolescent with disabilities.

You are making your daughters choices all about YOU , and holding her to ransom when you should be supporting her as best you can, even if this is something you don’t think will work out- so what if it doesn’t, sometimes the best life lessons are when things don’t go to plan.

School and college wasn't for DD2 but she is doing very well in her part time job which became a full time job. Perhaps if it doesn't work out she might get another job just from having some experience.