To think an apprenticeship will be a disaster for DD?

[HaggardRagingTired]

DD is 16 and just started college. She has ASD and a very patchy educational backstory - she missed secondary from the start of year 8 until the start of year 11 as she couldn’t cope with mainstream, the meltdowns at school and at home were unreal. It took those years and 2 applications to get an EHCP in place, and she returned to school for year 11 in a small 1-2-1 setting and sat a few GCSEs and passed a couple (not maths though unfortunately).

Because of her GCSE grades she couldn’t do the college course she’d planned on doing, so she’s having to do a level 2 course and her maths resit. She’s been surprisingly good at going (missed a few days) and seemed to be coping pretty well, she’s just had her first assignment back and she got 100% in it, and she’s done her first maths resit exam today.

The trouble is finds the course boring, she doesn’t lack intelligence and it was just because of the time she missed in school that she didn’t get better grades. I point out to her a lot that this is just something she’s going to have to suck up for a year, get that under her belt and her maths, and she’ll have more options next year.

While she was out of school, in year 10 she did a post 14 level 1 course at a college in hairdressing. She managed to finish the course but she didn’t particularly enjoy it and was very clear afterwards that she didn’t want to be a hairdresser.

Fast forward to now and she’s decided that she’s bored of college already, and wants to do an apprenticeship. She has a trial shift on Friday at a hairdressers. It doesn’t matter how many times I remind her that she doesn’t want to be a hairdresser and if she leaves college now with just 2 GCSEs, she’s going to find it hard to change her mind in the future if she decides that actually she doesn’t want to do hairdressing.

Also, I know her. She is VERY demand avoidant, it’s virtually impossible to get her to do anything she’s asked, she finds being around people a lot draining, and she has a pretty stroppy attitude in general. She’s never had a part time job and so has no idea what working is like. She finds it hard to stick to things and she doesn’t have any desire to be a hairdresser, this is just a way to get out of going to college. I’ve also explained that she’s going to have to get herself there (30 miles away), no matter what the weather, all year round with no school holidays to break it up, and she’ll have to tow the line and do what she’s asked without complaining or they’ll just sack her.

There’s also the financial aspect of me being a single parent, if she leaves education then I no longer get UC for her, and by the time I’ve paid the bills and mortgage I will be stony broke on what I earn. So I won’t have spare cash to help her to learn to drive and get a car, I won’t be able to spend the sort of amount she’s used to for Christmas and birthdays, or pay to take her on holiday. She’ll be effectively an adult responsible for her own finances and paying for the things she wants and needs. And she 💯 doesn’t have the maturity to do that.

I think the most likely scenario is it will go tits up real quick, either they’ll get sick of her or vice versa, and then it will be the worst of both worlds as she’ll be out of college and have no job and two GCSEs.

I’ve explained all this to her and it’s falling on deaf ears; she wants to leave college now and this is the way to do it, she can’t see any further than that. And I’m the bad guy for trying to stop her.

AIBU for trying to convince her not to do this?

I left college myself to work so I can’t judge her too harshly, but the difference was I had very good GCSEs, the gift of the gab, lots of PT work experience, and back in the 90s it was very easy to find work. If one job went wrong you could have another one by close of business the next day. It’s all a bit different now.

The transition year is not normally fulltime. She could probably get a regular hairdressing work experience slot that fits around it. That way, after weeks and weeks, she will have a better idea and it will be her decision.

A Saturday or an evening job is the best option, to see well how she takes direction from a boss and the repetitive nature of keep having to turn up at work. You could try to say she can consider leaving college once she’s proved to herself she can reliably keep a job.
Also the maths gcse is important, is it likely she’ll pass this time? Resit pass rates are generally quite low, and out of college you need to be self motivated to do the study to pass.

Yep she’s definitely going into this blind. All she’s seeing is the money and not what she’ll have to do to actually get the money…and keep getting the money.

I don’t know. She wasn’t particularly close to passing it last time. She has been to all of her maths lessons since she started college. She said the paper today was good…but then she said that about the ones in the summer and failed. I had to pay for her to do this resit as the college were only paying for those who were only a few marks off the first time to do November resits. But of course DD being DD, she had to do it as soon as possible.

A part time job to see how she gets on with work would be the most sensible way to go, but logic and DD don’t go hand in hand <bangs head against wall>

Have her sign an agreement at school with you witnessing, that she will go back to school if the apprenticeship doesn't last more than a year.
Look into pre apprenticeship skill courses too. She might like to study those as well and stay at school longer.

Would book keeping suit as a long term prospect?

I have a feeling that wouldn’t be worth the paper it was written on…

That’s not something I can see her doing, she finds it very hard to stay still, needs to do lots of repetitive movements to regulate herself. I can’t see her doing any kind of desk job.

It would also be such a huge jump to having to work all week every week. She had so long out of school, then when she went back last year it was just for 2 hours per day. I think part of what she’s struggling with at college is the amount she has to go (3.5 days per week), it’s a lot compared to what she’s used to. But that’s nothing compared to working all year around.

I feel for you. I have a daughter the same age. Very different profile (dyscalculia and dyslexia, but sporty, creative and a super recogniser, which helps socially, but also stubbornly unwilling to listen). For the most part, I have to let her find out the hard way, while also stopping her from closing off other options. She was enamoured by data driven social science A levels she would have hated. Thankfully, the summer work put her off and she was able to change her mind. Her current choices are far more sensible, but she can’t separate what she likes doing from the extent to which she likes the teacher. I’ve no idea what comes after this.

I think it’s going to be a disaster but there’s not much you can do about it. I was undiagnosed as a teen, not PDA and good at school, but one of my social skills gaps was also that I “lacked initiative” in this sort of setting. I had trouble identifying which tasks needed to be done and what I should be doing. So I would do all right in a structured setting with clear expectations, but not one where the employee was expected to figure out what to do. Many autistic teens struggle with this and need to be explicitly taught strategies, even if they are not PDA. It sounds like she’s really lacking in the foresight and planning skills she needs to seek an apprenticeship.

it’s quite possible she won’t be accepted though, which will save you one headache.

My friend’s dd has ADHD and PDA. She hated her college course. She is working at a hairdressers as an apprentice (the hairdresser is very local) It’s not been plain sailing but my friend is pleased she’s stuck at it. The busy salon seems to suit.

Solidarity.

Same. Resist the temptation to feel guilty when she comes up against all the problems you're anticipating.

I really hope she’s not accepted, it will be a blow to her confidence but not as much as it potentially all going wrong and then being sat at home doing nothing will be.

There is a very outside chance it might work really well for her, but I will honestly be shocked, knowing her as I know her. My close family members who know her well all have the same opinion, it’s got disaster written all over it but there’s no telling her.

I guess all I can do is try and guide her with budgeting (not that she ever takes on board anything I say).

£13 an hour as a hairdressing apprentice 😮. I worked full time in a salon when I started in 1999 and got £50 a week! It was really poor, even for then.

Unfortunately I don't have any advice for you. Just wishing luck to you both and I hope she stays in education.

Yes they’re not allowed to pay slave wages to apprentices anymore, which is good for the apprentices but also not great because there’s not many apprenticeships available as people can’t afford to pay that kind of money to an unskilled teenager.

Well I'd explain that won't be an option and she won't be able to get to work and will lose her apprenticeship. So if she does it, she has to know that money is to support herself. She may want to consider giving it all to you and you ration it so she doesn't get in that situation.

I don't think hairdressing is a bad trade. I think working in one can teach you about running a business if you are proactive enough.

You know, this is how I often put teens off of doing things like this. I tell them that it could be a great idea if they work their arses off and wait a long time to see the results they want.

The fact she sees you working part time, receiving benefits and driving an Audi will mean she thinks that lifestyle will be available to her. If you weren’t receiving UC and she didn’t get DLA, then it would be more straightforward, she would take the apprenticeship, do well and stay, or it wouldn’t work and she would likely go back to college. In some ways the benefit angle skews the decision making process.

She doesn’t listen 😩, I mean I can explain that but she won’t listen.

And that’s the thing, she definitely won’t be doing anything exciting for a good long while, it will be sweeping, cleaning, the odd hair wash, making cups of tea…if she thinks college is boring then she ain’t seen nothing yet.

Is she cut out for the world of work? Or if something goes wrong will she have a meltdown?

I agree it does skew things because the stakes are higher, and there’s no going back if it goes wrong. Which shouldn’t be the basis of what she decides to do, but she’ll be the first to moan when I can only get her a token birthday present or can’t afford a holiday. She has quite a sweet deal at the moment, she gets an allowance to buy things she wants, and college isn’t taxing compared to work. The Audi was a gift btw, it’s over 10 years old but still the nicest car I’ve ever had.