To think an apprenticeship will be a disaster for DD?

[HaggardRagingTired]

DD is 16 and just started college. She has ASD and a very patchy educational backstory - she missed secondary from the start of year 8 until the start of year 11 as she couldn’t cope with mainstream, the meltdowns at school and at home were unreal. It took those years and 2 applications to get an EHCP in place, and she returned to school for year 11 in a small 1-2-1 setting and sat a few GCSEs and passed a couple (not maths though unfortunately).

Because of her GCSE grades she couldn’t do the college course she’d planned on doing, so she’s having to do a level 2 course and her maths resit. She’s been surprisingly good at going (missed a few days) and seemed to be coping pretty well, she’s just had her first assignment back and she got 100% in it, and she’s done her first maths resit exam today.

The trouble is finds the course boring, she doesn’t lack intelligence and it was just because of the time she missed in school that she didn’t get better grades. I point out to her a lot that this is just something she’s going to have to suck up for a year, get that under her belt and her maths, and she’ll have more options next year.

While she was out of school, in year 10 she did a post 14 level 1 course at a college in hairdressing. She managed to finish the course but she didn’t particularly enjoy it and was very clear afterwards that she didn’t want to be a hairdresser.

Fast forward to now and she’s decided that she’s bored of college already, and wants to do an apprenticeship. She has a trial shift on Friday at a hairdressers. It doesn’t matter how many times I remind her that she doesn’t want to be a hairdresser and if she leaves college now with just 2 GCSEs, she’s going to find it hard to change her mind in the future if she decides that actually she doesn’t want to do hairdressing.

Also, I know her. She is VERY demand avoidant, it’s virtually impossible to get her to do anything she’s asked, she finds being around people a lot draining, and she has a pretty stroppy attitude in general. She’s never had a part time job and so has no idea what working is like. She finds it hard to stick to things and she doesn’t have any desire to be a hairdresser, this is just a way to get out of going to college. I’ve also explained that she’s going to have to get herself there (30 miles away), no matter what the weather, all year round with no school holidays to break it up, and she’ll have to tow the line and do what she’s asked without complaining or they’ll just sack her.

There’s also the financial aspect of me being a single parent, if she leaves education then I no longer get UC for her, and by the time I’ve paid the bills and mortgage I will be stony broke on what I earn. So I won’t have spare cash to help her to learn to drive and get a car, I won’t be able to spend the sort of amount she’s used to for Christmas and birthdays, or pay to take her on holiday. She’ll be effectively an adult responsible for her own finances and paying for the things she wants and needs. And she 💯 doesn’t have the maturity to do that.

I think the most likely scenario is it will go tits up real quick, either they’ll get sick of her or vice versa, and then it will be the worst of both worlds as she’ll be out of college and have no job and two GCSEs.

I’ve explained all this to her and it’s falling on deaf ears; she wants to leave college now and this is the way to do it, she can’t see any further than that. And I’m the bad guy for trying to stop her.

AIBU for trying to convince her not to do this?

I was paying £70 a lesson 3 years ago for my dd and my car insurance once dd passed (on a 10 yr old fiat 500) with her as a named driver was nearly £2000 that first year.
Def encourage her to check cost of lessons and do some trial insurance quotes.
A pt job is useful as they hear this info from slightly older kids, mine worked at McDonalds with lots of teen staff. Lads were paying £3500 and £4000 for own insurance.

Unfortunately, despite everything you have explained and laid the truth out for her, they have to make their own mistakes and learn the value in those. As long as she sticks by the rule of either being in education or at work (no sitting at home) then I don't think there's much you can do if she's that headstrong and determined to do it her way. If she's earning, she needs to pay you some too for her keep.

There's nothing to say that she can't do night class in maths or whatever she needs later on in life when she finds something she's more passionate about and needs the grades to move on in that area. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time or learning through mistakes to get there - and that's normal with some children.

She looked it up while we were having the Audi chat and she reckons that it will be £1300 per year insurance. I’m not convinced by that, based on what friends’ kids have had to pay for their insurance…and they weren’t driving Audis!

Yes, I doubt she would be able to afford the car insurance, let alone anything else at all these days!!££££

The trouble is, I can implement a no sitting at home rule but if the apprenticeship goes wrong, what’s she going to do? The job market is so tough for young people at the moment, it’s not like she’ll be able to just apply for and get another job, so she will end up just sitting at home.

She can have any car she wants - if she can afford it!

Not to mention the cost of maintaining a car…repairs and MOTs can be eye watering and unexpected…a single garage bill could be all her money gone for the month.

I think realistically if it’s a high paying apprenticeship they will be inundated and it doesn’t sound like she’ll stand out at a trial shift (they’ll be looking for initiative and work ethic)
Say good luck and commiserations if she doesn’t get it. Encourage her getting a pt job and keep studying at college while she keeps trying for apprenticeships.
If she’s got an EHCP is she eligible for any apprenticeships or schemes with the council, I think our county council offered a scheme giving work experience.

I'm autistic though no pda but I didn't enjoy my college course and nearly got chucked off because I didn't attend all the time, however I thrived in the workplace and did really well, and it was my career for a long time until I had children in my 30s.

She might enjoy work more than college, and if not then she will have to rethink. If she has an EHCP she has time.

I wasn't diagnosed till I was an adult so had no support, but usually this workplace knows her diagnosis and is prepared to support her?

Maybe you could ask that she's paid weekly instead of monthly to help her manage her money?

Yeah this was while I was still under the impression she’d be at college and I’d be paying for the car! It was a firm no on the Audi front from me. It’s because I have an Audi and she likes it…but I didn’t get one until I was in my 40s. She’s very much about instant gratification.

Well, of course she's allowed a period of grace, but she'd need to be actively looking for a job.
In the mean time - a bunch of chores at home is also a contribution to the household! She just has some growing up to do by the sounds of it. She may well decide that college is the lesser of the two evils for the next year (if they let her enrol again) but she can still work, even if part time or in the home. It is up to you to set those boundaries and yeah, prepare for some teenage stroppy behaviour!

She might do, you never know. But I do know she doesn’t have much of an interest in hairdressing, and one of her main problems is making and retaining friendships, she only has 2 friends (plus another couple of kind of friends she’s met at college recently). So being stuck in the workplace with the same people all the time will be very difficult for her, particularly if she doesn’t like them.

I blame social media, ha.
Just not learned yet that it needs to be paid for somehow! She will learn the value of things. Am pretty sure you can sit back and watch the penny drop over the months and that she realises actually mum may be right after all! Good luck.

Is there much point getting into long debates with her about what she’ll be able to afford? Just let her find out. She has to pay for things herself and if she’s spent her money or never had enough in the first place she simply can’t have it.

It will be tough losing the UC for her but (and I say this as someone who generally hates benefit-bashing) maybe you’ll have to downgrade from the Audi and that won’t be the worst thing that’s ever happened to anyone…

I’m not sure how much you know about the PDA profile for ASD but I have never successfully managed to get her to do a chore. Putting the shopping away a few times, that’s it, but that’s a benefit for her because she likes food. If there’s no direct benefit to her she simply won’t do it.

Yep she wants the TikTok lifestyle for sure!

I know nothing at all, so apologies.

Another reason why I think she will really struggle with work - “why don’t you do it yourself” probably won’t be seen as a great response to being asked to do something.

That’s ok, I probably wouldn’t know anything about it myself if I didn’t have to live with someone with it!

Yeah she’s not going to last at that job even if she got it 🫣

I’ve already been considering this because 28mpg isn’t brilliant with Trump’s fuel prices.

And yes she’ll have to learn to budget, but I won’t be able to cushion her while she does that.

No exactly. By Christmas she’ll be out of college and out of a job, and then what? Imagine the exact opposite of a ‘can do’ attitude, and you have DD.

Has your DD applied for PIP, it is not means tested ?

No advice, but I feel for you.

She currently gets DLA and waiting to hear if that will change into PIP, but it’s certainly not a given that she’ll get it.