To think an apprenticeship will be a disaster for DD?

[HaggardRagingTired]

DD is 16 and just started college. She has ASD and a very patchy educational backstory - she missed secondary from the start of year 8 until the start of year 11 as she couldn’t cope with mainstream, the meltdowns at school and at home were unreal. It took those years and 2 applications to get an EHCP in place, and she returned to school for year 11 in a small 1-2-1 setting and sat a few GCSEs and passed a couple (not maths though unfortunately).

Because of her GCSE grades she couldn’t do the college course she’d planned on doing, so she’s having to do a level 2 course and her maths resit. She’s been surprisingly good at going (missed a few days) and seemed to be coping pretty well, she’s just had her first assignment back and she got 100% in it, and she’s done her first maths resit exam today.

The trouble is finds the course boring, she doesn’t lack intelligence and it was just because of the time she missed in school that she didn’t get better grades. I point out to her a lot that this is just something she’s going to have to suck up for a year, get that under her belt and her maths, and she’ll have more options next year.

While she was out of school, in year 10 she did a post 14 level 1 course at a college in hairdressing. She managed to finish the course but she didn’t particularly enjoy it and was very clear afterwards that she didn’t want to be a hairdresser.

Fast forward to now and she’s decided that she’s bored of college already, and wants to do an apprenticeship. She has a trial shift on Friday at a hairdressers. It doesn’t matter how many times I remind her that she doesn’t want to be a hairdresser and if she leaves college now with just 2 GCSEs, she’s going to find it hard to change her mind in the future if she decides that actually she doesn’t want to do hairdressing.

Also, I know her. She is VERY demand avoidant, it’s virtually impossible to get her to do anything she’s asked, she finds being around people a lot draining, and she has a pretty stroppy attitude in general. She’s never had a part time job and so has no idea what working is like. She finds it hard to stick to things and she doesn’t have any desire to be a hairdresser, this is just a way to get out of going to college. I’ve also explained that she’s going to have to get herself there (30 miles away), no matter what the weather, all year round with no school holidays to break it up, and she’ll have to tow the line and do what she’s asked without complaining or they’ll just sack her.

There’s also the financial aspect of me being a single parent, if she leaves education then I no longer get UC for her, and by the time I’ve paid the bills and mortgage I will be stony broke on what I earn. So I won’t have spare cash to help her to learn to drive and get a car, I won’t be able to spend the sort of amount she’s used to for Christmas and birthdays, or pay to take her on holiday. She’ll be effectively an adult responsible for her own finances and paying for the things she wants and needs. And she 💯 doesn’t have the maturity to do that.

I think the most likely scenario is it will go tits up real quick, either they’ll get sick of her or vice versa, and then it will be the worst of both worlds as she’ll be out of college and have no job and two GCSEs.

I’ve explained all this to her and it’s falling on deaf ears; she wants to leave college now and this is the way to do it, she can’t see any further than that. And I’m the bad guy for trying to stop her.

AIBU for trying to convince her not to do this?

If she hadn’t already done a course in hairdressing and found no enjoyment in it whatsoever I’d agree.

I would explore her doing Saturdays at the salon until Christmas and sticking out college until then and hope reality sinks in.

Also discuss the financial reality that you won’t be able to fund anything beyond provision of food at home.

I’ve planned for it as best I can, but with the cost of everything at the moment it’s hard, I have health problems myself so can’t work full time. I’m working part time and also studying so that I can earn better money. I will be fine, I will be able to pay the essentials but I won’t be able to bail her out or find a spare few grand to get her on the road.

Telling her isn't working. If it doesn't work out then maybe she will find a different job and work for some of this year, or maybe "just" get bored, and maybe college will appeal more to her next year. I know it's terrifying but it might be that she still has some growing up to do and needs to find her "why" before she can apply herself to college.

It's not nothing that she has found herself this opportunity. But it's horrible for you I know.

The difficulty with a lot of school refusers is that they simply can’t cope with the college environment as it is the same as school, which they couldn’t cope with. I understand your reservations and if she’s dead set on not going to college but you don’t believe she’d stick at hairdressing, it may be worth agreeing to explore different apprenticeships , ones that pay better, have day release options that are strictly online, and are closer to home.
An apprenticeship has been the making of my school refuser but I think if it was 30 miles away she’d struggle (not least financially as I think a train journey of thirty miles here would add a couple of hundred a month in travel costs).
It is good that she got a trial shift though as apprenticeships are hard to come by , but tbh if she has no work experience I’d assume her chances of getting the job would be slim unless she’s particularly impressive.
Some apprenticeships are quite well paid , I don’t know how much the child element of uc is though.

I did suggest getting a part time job before she makes the jump into the full time world of work, to see how she feels. So far all she did was a day of waitressing at an event for a friend, and the friend reported back that DD did as little as possible, would skulk off to try and avoid having to do things, and needed spoon feeding to do anything at all. She may not like college, but she’s going to like work even less I’d say. She absolutely hates being told what to do, and that’s basically all work is.

From what ypurve said OP it doesnt sound like the trial day will be a big successs!. I'd be completely hands off, let her set her alarm, sort out the trains etc etc.maybe a dose of reality will change her mind?

I think she’s taking a scatter gun approach and applying for all sorts of apprenticeships and seeing what sticks. She has more of a chance of getting this one than most of them, as she already has a level 1 hairdressing qualification. To be fair the hairdresser is in the same city as her college, so she’s used to the commute there (we live nowhere near any colleges). But yes cost of getting there and back every day would be a lot, at the moment her college travel is funded by her EHCP but that would stop and she’d have to pay it out of her wages.

It was a long time ago but I left school with only GCSE that was in French so not much use. I did hairdressing as no where else to get a job. I gave it up a few times but when back and qualified. Also didn’t want to be a hairdresser! Long story that involves working in pubs and all over the world I settled down at 25. Been in the same job now for over 25 years and a qualified accountant now doing a masters degree. I was an utter nightmare as a teenager but got there in the end. My mum cannot believe it. Just a bit of hope for you but I can see how it will challenging for you with zero money if she gives it up.

I’d probably write everything down or email her setting out the financial implications.

That's what I was going to say. Make sure everything you've said here is written down so that she can't come back and accuse you of changing the rules.

If she really wants to do this, is there not a closer option - there are lots of hairdressers around.

It’s in the afternoon and she’ll be in the city for college in the morning so I’d say she’ll make it there! But I don’t know if they have a lot of applicants or how many apprentices they’re looking for. I just had a calm chat with her and said to go to and see how she feels, and to be honest with herself about whether or not she can see herself doing that day in, day out, because although she doesn’t like college she could be going out of the frying pan and into the fire.

Something I am struggling with with my own autistic DC is engaging with what other careers might be like. He can only see things he has already experienced - teaching, waiting, bar work. Not even supermarkets as he never goes in them. It's very difficult for him not imagine anything he has no experience of. I don't know what the answer is but we are working on getting some buy in for the idea that a job he might like might be one he hasn't heard of yet.

I think she’s applied for loads of things but this is the first one that’s actually shown any interest in her, and there’s no point in trying to explain the logic in finding something closer but that’s not NOW and now is all she can think of.

DD changes her mind weekly about what she wants to do, honestly I feel like I have whiplash as in any given week she can be set on 3 different careers. Which is another reason I think staying in college longer and keeping her options open is a good idea.

Does she realise she will be earning £8 an hour? Does she think she will have loads of money? I realise she struggles with thinking ahead much, but surely she can see sticking college out for a bit longer might give her more and better options in the future??

It’s a positive she’s motivated to apply for the apprenticeships.
Maybe hairdressing will suit better if she’s actually doing it not learning in college. Even if not for her it’s work experience.
I think driving lessons and a car/insurance are a pipe dream. Has she checked cost of lessons and insurance. It’s not realistic in an apprenticeship wage.

Is she guaranteed to actually get an apprenticeship? My organisation has just had over 200 applications for 2 posts (plenty from adults, not teenagers)

I think this particular apprenticeship is £13 an hour (at least that’s what DD said). But I think she’s doing the maths and thinking that’s what she’ll have to spend on whatever she wants every month, not realising that she’ll need to pay for her travel, lunch, clothes, phone bill, social activities, saving for driving etc etc etc. It won’t go far.

She’s in cloud cuckoo land, we had a disagreement on Monday because she wants an Audi for her first car 🤦‍♀️, I explained that she will have something cheap and crap to begin with just like pretty much everyone does unless they’re from a very wealthy family. She won’t be told though.

I’ve no idea how many people applied or have been given trial shifts.

I don’t think the apprenticeship is the issue, where I live (Aus) they are seen as a perfectly valid career choice, the problem is her expectations of her lifestyle while she does it. You say she doesn't want to wait to learn to drive, well if neither of you can afford to pay there actually isnt any option. It sounds like you have already had a few tough conversations with her (which I understand are exhausting) but I would have one last go in a very calm way pointing out how much a week she will have to live on and the fact that things like driving lessons will not be a possibility for her right now. At that age she will assume that you are just trying to ruin her plans and of course you will come up with the money for her, she needs to understand that won’t happen and she will have to live with the consequences of her choice.

Can you actually produce a spreadsheet for her with all the monthly costs she'll have e.g. travel, clothes, phone etc like you previously listed. Include driving lessons, licence, tests etc. Put that beside her monthly income and show her the reality?

Yes I think I need to make a rough plan of what her earnings and outgoings will be with her, and then she can decide if she thinks it’s a good idea. It might be that she won’t be able to afford to pay for lessons and a car for another couple of years (that’s if she saves), and whether she’s prepared to wait. Waiting isn’t one of her strong points though.

Cross posts! Great minds…