Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

There’s a difference between a black eye and a broken leg, as well, but they’re both physical abuse. Hitting children is always wrong, no matter how many repulsive euphemisms you use to disguise it.

It’s not hard to understand. You blame the mum, I said dad should also be blamed, you said no, it’s the mum because the dad is a deadbeat. Then you called out someone else for not holding the dad accountable for his own behaviour…. Which is ironic considering you don’t think he’s accountable for his own behaviour abandoning his son.

None of this relates to blaming the son.

A bit sick to be comparing an adult smacking their partner on a bum for a sexual thrill to the same thing being done to a child don't you think?

All these (usually elderly) adults calling children today feral.

When those if us who grew up with these types of people as parents would consider these grandparents, adults who hit children, to be the feral ones.

Well you did ask 💁‍♀️

Did you even read the post?

No-don't you remember Joey from Friends? In the spin-off in the noughties, Joey spanks a naughty child, and the people round him, and even the child, say it's better than letting him act like a spoilt brat-and that was super progressive LA in 2006!
I'm not saying I agree with them, and I don't smack mine, but as a millennial, when I started school in the 80s, teachers still hit children (1986) and in private schools, until 1999. So this is definitely not a 50s thing.

Stop being disgusting. This is a thread about a small boy who has been effectively abandoned by his dad and hit by his grandfather and a mother who is struggling to work (and probably grandparents struggling with a difficult situation they didn't want to be stuck in).

No one thinks what gets you off is funny or appropriate here. Your judgement is in the toilet.

Of course his grandfather shouldn't have smacked him, that's not OK, Personally I view smacking on the bottom as less serious than hitting, (even if it isn't viewed that way in law) but it still shouldn't have happened.

Having said that, his behaviour at their house sounds intolerable. He's clearly unhappy and other posters have suggested reasons for that (upset with his Dad, etc.)

I think he needs a break from staying there while you address his behaviour. Could someone on your side of the family temporarily have him for the nights you work? Or would a close friend help out as it's only 1-2 nights a week?

Ask his grandparents to come round so you can all discuss what happened, his grandfather can apologize, but the adults can also explain to DS that he really needs to behave better at their house - the same way that he does with you. If everyone's supportive, perhaps he'll be able to open up about his feelings and why he misbehaves with them.

It seems clear to me that your DS is acting up in the GP house for attention, primarily from his dad. We know that any attention is better than none. Obviously the grandparents need to agree never to hit again, and to apologise for doing so. The most important thing however, is to keep him away from his dad if he’s a complete flake. The poor boy must not know if he’s on his arse or his elbow whether his father will be present or not and is acting badly without perhaps knowing why.

If the grandparents would agree, would they look after DS at your house for a while at least? See if his behaviour is connected to them or the proximity with his crappy dad.

The boy has to go to his grandparents house where is also his father who doesn't want to have anything with him. This child is not a spoilt brat. He is in a very unhealthy environment while in his grandparents home, never knowing when his brat of a father appears.

Im not a fucking weirdo. Leaving this thread now.

Absolutely, the amount of people who I assume are parents defending physically assaulting children is so disgusting

You shouldn't necessarily blame the parents. Lots of people have one child who grows up to be a lovely, caring, hardworking person, and another who gets involved in drugs and worse. Sometimes really great, caring people do their best with a child and they grow up to be a bad parent. Equally, some awful parents who are never around for their child/stick them on a screen non-stop, have a child who grows up to be an amazing mum or dad-I know a few parents like this. And while I'm not justifying the smack, these people have, in their retirement, looked after this boy for a good amount of time for years.

You’re sick for making sexual jokes about a CHILD being hit

Why what age are they?

Yeah sure ok. You think adults and 8 year olds are the same.

Got it. 👍

(also blaming the mom is your wording not mine. I have not “blamed her”. She has written so my feedback is to her. Providing advice that she should her the absent dad to do something is useless advice. Ironically you are the only one exempting the deadbeat from being accountable for his own behaviour.)

Again, not remotely close to what I said. Clearly you’ve realised you are wrong and instead of accepting that are just making weird posts up 👍

So you prefer the hard, assault your weans, type of parenting?

Whatever makes you happy.

Funny how the law doesn't either.

It’s interesting how frequently we exempt men from being accountable for their own behaviour.

If OP was the deadbeat mom and her ex was writing in I doubt people would be making excuses for her.

At what point do we as adults become responsible for who we are?

Used to violence then?

Unpleasant actions can often have unpleasant consequences. It sounds like it was a lesson your son needed to learn.
I have always had the view that a smack across the arse or legs does no harm at all. It can shock them into behaving. My daugher was mostly well-behaved so I only recall smacking her the once---and that was when she called me a 'bloody pig'. She was only about 8 or 9, but she never called me it again.
I was rarely smacked either, or not that I can remember. However, my now-deceased father grew up in the 1920s/30s on a farm in Latvia. His mother kept a horse-whip on the back of the kitchen door to discipline him and his brother. I certainly wouldn't advocate that, but this gentle parenting can lead to children thinking that they rule the roost.
I am an avowed atheist, but I think the biblical proverb of 'spare the rod and spoil the child' holds a lot of truth

How do you know he's 80?