Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

What a tough one, I really feel for you OP. My first thought was that DS's behaviour could be stemming from the fact that DS wants to stay there to see his Dad (mostly) then it's very up in the air over whether he will or not and that's very stressful for him and so even if he's actually with his Dad, he lashes out over it? That might explain him not being able to articulate why his behaviour is bad at GPs.

Do you have any alternative childcare option, eg would your parents do all the overnights for a while? What does Grandad say now - would he be willing to agree to never smack or physically discipline your DS again or is he pushing back?

In your world an 8 year old boy and an adult male are the same. And parental responsibility for minor children and adults is the same?

Interesting.

No great mystery for google to solve - your son is obviously deeply upset that his father doesn't want to bother with him any more - I daresay being in the home of said father without him there is adding insult to injury. He's taking it out on his paternal grandparents as they're his father's 'proxy' - he daren't take it out on you as he is solely dependent on you and by extension, your parents (not that I'm saying he would have reason to 'take it it out on you' of course, just thinking of a likely reason he mostly acts up for them and not the rest of his family, assuming you think they're being truthful). His paternal grandparents should be laying the law down to their son in regards to abandoning his duties towards his child.

This comment doesn’t relate in anyway to anything I said…

How do you feel about what the grandfather did? If you object the grand fathers action are unlawful.
i dont think you would be unreasonable to stop the child going there as clearly the grandparents cant cope and havent been coping for some time, the child understandably unhappy.
How do you want to proceed?

Well it does when that was your response to me pointing out adults are accountable for who they are.

No… it does not

Same in Scotland. It’s illegal up here, I’m glad to say. Op, I wouldn’t let them look after him again if he was mine. No way. Source alternative child care.

Too scared in case you got assaulted.

If this arrangement has only been since the summer how have they struggled for years with his behaviour?
It doesn't make sense that they all want the arrangement to stay the same but none of them enjoy it. Either that or DS feels so relaxed he knows he can act up and his grandparents will still be there for him.
You can't really consider sending him back, grandad hit him, your son is a nightmare for them, in what way is that okay for any of them? They may want the arrangement to stay but it can't because grandad hit him.
I know it's hard with your job but your son needs to come first and how relaxed will you be knowing it could happen again? You need to take some leave and sort out some different childcare, I know it will be expensive but peace of mind would surely be worth it.

Ok. Sure. 👍

OP you now have loads of posts from people who haven't read your subsequent posts about his dad living there but not having anything to do with him. What an absolutely awful thing for his dad to do and just heartbreaking for your DS. I know he wants to go but maybe for his sake it's best that he doesn't as it's such a toxic situation.

I'm not really sure about his grandad hitting him. Obviously it's completely wrong especially given the situation with his dad. However, my very gentle, kind dad once flipped and hit my son (at his birthday party just to make it ten times worse!). Me and my mum were very shocked and angry and my dad acknowledged he was wrong to do it and we forgave him because I think most of us are capable of lashing out when we're pushed to our limits (yes I know people will disagree with this but that doesn't make it less true). Your dad trying to justify his behaviour is more concerning.

Where on that line do you place throwing a TV remote at his grandparents?

And should never involve hitting of any kind. Hitting is abuse

Too scared to throw a TV remote?
In that case.... job done.

What consequences?

Thank you for explaining for me.

So would you be happy if someone smacked you on your bum? Or is it only ok when hitting children?

This. what took you so long?

Do you smack your partner?

I guess it depends if a smack is crossing a red line for you.

If it was me, and I was otherwise happy with their care and their relationship, I would speak to them and explain that I love them, DS loves them and really don't want to end the arrangement BUT that smacking is really not ok in my book and I need reassurance that it will never happen again. I would also discuss working together to work out strategies how to handle his behaviour when he's with them.

Good luck.

Yes i love my partner smacking me on the bum.

It's interesting those who are happy the adult hit the child for bad behaviour I imagine are also the adults who think the adult shouldn't be kept front he child for 1 mistake? Is it ok if op goes round and smacks the grandpa because she feels hitting children is bad behaviour?

Agreed, sorry.

If someone requires that level of mollycoddling to not hit my child they've no business being round the child in the first place.