Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

So if your actions upset somebody, you'll be fine with them smacking your bum?

What's that about?

ETA just googled it. Looks like a discussion thread for survivors of child abuse.

I don't think my sister was abusing her child....

She removed toys and priveleges as direct consequences of my niece not behaving.

(p.s. it worked)

Considering he behaves with her, and elsewhere, maybe it isn't her parenting that's at fault. The kids acting out in a house where his dad lives and still doesn't get noticed by him, but lets blame the mother 🙄

If they are caring fir him in loco parentis then i think (within the kaw) it is their prerogative to use reasonable punshment.

The grandparents work full tome and have your son two nights? That’s a big ask.

Having read all of the OP’s posts and seen that the grandparents are her ex IL, not her own parents, makes me wonder if the poor kid is acting out because of the rejection by his father. How awful for him. I know this doesn’t solve your immediate problem, but worth thinking about

We hold them comfortingly, we kiss them gently-with their consent- and ask them to close their eyes and try hard to imagine what a smack would feel like.

After this trauma, they are normally very contrite, so we reward them with a big mug of hot chocolate, loving cuddles and tell them that they will never ever be smacked even if they stick a fork in their granddad's eye because it was up to him, as an adult, to make sure his eye wasn't in the way.

Even so, we must be very aware that even this type of spiritual smacking could still damage the child and be prepared to call the police on ourselves if we suspect it has.

Or maybe the mother has low expectations and doesnt pull him up on behaviour which others would consider unacceptable.

Ha! I'm sure some pacifist parents would suggest that

Illegal in Scotland.

If I was screaming and throwing things around their house, I'd say them giving me one smack on the bum to get me to stop is probably fair tbh.

It's a bit more than just "upsetting somebody".

@mionetee

It’s hard for me to discipline him for behaviour I do not witness

Why? If you believe that what was reported to you was accurate then why wouldn't you impose consequences for it? It's not 'hard' at all.

My sons are adults and if my parents (or anyone else I truly trusted) reported bad behaviour to me I certainly would have given a consequence. And 8 years old is old enough to understand that actions have consequences and that is why you're doing XYZ for what happened at grandparent's house. It's all about reinforcing the lesson. Yes, they taught the lesson incorrectly, but it was still a lesson.

I don't agree with smacking. But since apparently you need them for childcare, I'd suggest having a good strong talk with the grandparents (especially Grandad) reinforcing that they are never to smack but are free to impose other consequences, and if it happens again you will have to reconsider the arrangement. And that you would likely have to quit your job in the bargain.

The first time any person hits my child will be the last time I can guarantee you that.

Even if it meant I had to change careers. If you send him back, you’re giving his grandad the greenlight to do it again, or possibly worse.

Not a chance I would risk it. What are you teaching your child if you send him back? That it’s okay for him to be hit?

Considering his bad behaviour only happens when he is there I would see that as a sign he is acting out as he doesn't like it. I think you should have intervened sooner and dropped the overnight aspect. As others have said he seems to be rejected by his dad (who only drops in to see him sometimes) and maybe his behaviour is his reaction to this and the grandparents who are associated with his dad.
It sounds now like you continued the arrangement as you have added you work long shifts as a midwife rather than stopping things and reducing or supervising contact.

Given that the dad has abandoned his young child why the absolute desperation to believe the behaviour is down to the mother?

Their own son lives there…

Yeah. His father abandoned him. His grandfather hit him. But it's his mother to blame. She probably pushed the father into abandoning him too.

And if she has to give up her job and claim benefits because of no childcare that’ll be entirely her fault too…

Staggeringly low standards for men again on here.

I'm a granny who does a lot of childcare. At my age it is EXHAUSTING. Stuff could cope with at 50 I struggle with now.

Very hard for you, for the childcare, I do appreciate. But maybe it's too much for them.

Eh? No one’s done that on this thread.I’m talking about your post fgs!

Yes, we know. Wales too. 50 people before you have told us.