Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

You do not need to hit children to discipline them - in fact my part of UK it's illegal to do so.

Yes throwing a remote accross the room needs a reponse - sending to bed strong words etc it does not need phycial assult.

This situation sound miserable for DS and DGP and you do need to stop it as soon as possible - cut down to shorter supervised visits if possible. It iis possible the Dad being there uniterestedd is the trigger - but you can not control that other than to avoid the situation.

They did actually.

“Grandparents insist on having him”

They can’t insist. You can say no.

@mionetee all behaviour is communication. He acts up as they hit him and he knows daddy doesn’t want him and doesn’t know if he’ll be seeing daddy or grandparents.

He isn’t being naughty and needing more discipline, he needs to not be out in those situations. Would a live out au pair or night nanny baby sitter work with your job?

Seriously? So you advocate violence in marriage eg?

I don’t agree with hitting children. However, as someone who has recently been made (as there is no other option) responsible for a child that is not mine, who has behavioural difficulties you are asking an awful lot of these grandparents. The role of grandparents should be to have a positive, loving and safe relationship with the grandchildren. If the stress of managing difficult behaviour (and if he really isn’t like it with you there is obviously some bigger stuff at play here - unless you just have lower expectations) is impossible for them without resorting to violence you can’t really expect his arrangement to continue. It’s not fair on them or your child. Perhaps because of my current predicament I am throughly fed up of parents who seem to think other people will pick up the parenting slack so they can continue to live life on their own terms, unimpeded. If your job is not conducive to mothering your child, and if your only child care options are violent and stressed out grandparents then you need to find another job - or a safer childcare arrangement. That’s what being a parent means.

Please don't be ageist.

Hitting a child is awful, that goes without saying, but your post saying that the DGP's are committed to spending time with your DS and possibly feel guilty about their son made me feel a certain kind of sympathy for them.

You said your DS's father still lives a grandparent's home I think, OP? Is your son acting up because he goes in hope of seeing his father and is often disappointed? I don't know- that part of your post struck me as a very strange aside. If true that DS's father lives with his parents but avoids seeing DS, that's an incredibly tough thing for a child to digest and I'm surprised you don't see why this would cause problems.

It's horrible to think DS was hit, but we all know how testing children can be and I do think it's worth bearing in mind that just one or two generations ago it was far more normal to smack a bum or clip an ear for poor behaviour. Maybe a chat with GPs to tell them if that happens again he'll not be coming back, but don't punish everyone unnecessarily.

Are the people calling children ‘feral’ not also being ageist?

You missed out a word between "explaining" and " for". Violence is the word.

Smacking a child isn’t appropriate, regardless of what they have done. If an adult woman came on here and said her husband smacked her because he was unhappy with her behaviour, the responses would be quite different.

😥

Follow his son’s example? how is abandoning your young child an example?

Ffs the standards for fathers that some people have are so fucking low they’re non existent

I was gobsmacked at that too! I wonder if that PP has considered that maybe the child is misbehaving because he’s been abandoned by his father?
The mum who has been left alone to raise the child alone is apparently the problem here, not the feckless sperm donor who thinks he can just walk away and not have any hand in raising the child he is 50% responsible for creating.
The bar is in the gutter.

You're damaged imo. Could be wrong. But the love of smacking is a big red flag for an abusive childhood.

When I grew up hitting had different levels.
A tap really was just that.
A smack was not much more, usually on the bottom ( not a bare one), and the telling off is what made you cry, not any pain. I don’t recall any. Used to say ‘no, stop or naughty’.
A wallop was a very bad smack, and not on.
Hitting was that. A clobbering. And more of a very hard slap or worse designed to hurt. To any part of the anatomy. And a lot of hitting became a beating. For some poor souls with implements. Hitting was different from a tap, and different from a smack.

At least that is how people years ago felt about it. I knew nobody who condoned hitting or beating a child.
But everyone probably had a smack once or twice growing up.

Before anyone explains. I realise things have changed. And all if it is viewed as all the same.

Is his behaviour much worse at his grandparents than at your house? I would be concerned there was more going on.

Smacking is hitting. They are not different at all.

I didn’t say it was ok, I said he didn’t throw it at a person. Pretty simple really

Who told you they were retired?

Yes there is.

It might be me not understanding, but I can't work out what you've actually tried?
As far as I can work out, you've suggested lots of things but don't seem to have actually put any in place. What consequences have you used for your son's bad behaviour?
Can you cut the visits down to one night a week?
Can you pick him up at the end of the shift and take him home to sleep?
Have you sat him down and talked about how he feels about his dad being so f@ing useless?
I really feel for you, because your job isn't exactly a picnic either.

What a ridiclous comment. Im not damaged. I had a loving up bringing.

😓

Why are you sending him there when their own son doesnt go?

Doesnt sound a safe place for him.