Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

I honestly would have gone and got him immediately and phoned the police.

By hitting him? You think that's trying?

I should think he's much safer with his DGPs than he ever would be in foster care. A ridiculous suggestion.

Sorry, meant to say in Scotland, Wales and NI. The English can still hit them if they like for some reason.

Phoned the police? For what exactly?

@hidingfromthewind

I've just looked up the 2004 law and I suspect that if the police were called, the grandfather wouldn't be charged, because a single smack on the bottom would fall under the "reasonable punishment" definition for throwing the remote across the room.

I'm not saying that the grandfather was right, but the law does have flexibility and I think it would be applied in this instance.

Under Section 58 of the Children Act 2004, it is unlawful for a parent or carer to smack a child unless it amounts to reasonable punishment. This defence is not precisely defined, and courts consider factors such as the child’s age, the force used, the location of the smack, and the circumstances

I cannot believe some of these replies!

Op, behaviour is communication, that still doesn’t make it right for your child to be hit.

I personally wouldn’t send my son back there

what other options are there for when your working?

You sound a charmer.

If his behaviour is only bad when he’s at his grandparents maybe it’s because he’s not happy being there? Yes his behaviour was bad, he shouldn’t be throwing things and shouting at his grandparents but if this is out of character I would be looking at what caused him to act like this just with them.

Maybe it’s time to find alternative child care or find a job that’s firs in with school hours? I know it’s hard being a single parent with no support from the child’s father, especially when trying to juggle work and home life.

@Moonlightfrog The OP is a midwife though and babies aren't always born during school hours! I agree that she needs to look into alternative childcare and address the situation with his grandparents.

They don't sound like nasty people, they're trying to support her working and make up for their deadbeat son, but it's not working atm.

Ok, it sounds like Dad is the common denominator here.

I don't think that you should stop the visits altogether as that would be unfair to GPs and DS but maybe a week off is a good consequence.

Then, before resuming visits, there needs to be support for GPs with strategies for handling difficult behaviour in an acceptable way and some investigation into how your DS's Dad is affecting his behaviour because, it sounds like he may be the root of DS's behaviour at GP's house.

Is DS unhappy that he is now seeing his dad less? Maybe a monthly Daddy day out would help to sort things. Improving DS's relationship with his Dad might be the key to improving his behaviour.

Good luck OP.

I read the OP.

A remote control is an inanimate object. A child isnt.

Yes, what do you mean?

His behaviour while with his gps is a red flag if he doesn’t display similar behaviours at home, school, with friends. It’s a sign of unhappiness/ frustration/ anger, something is going on. Could be GPs don’t really want to do childcare and ds has overheard them? Though it sounds like it’s more linked to his dad.
Your son has explained his behaviour the best he can so I’d go with arranging some childcare, setting up child support to pay towards this.
if he stayed at his gps overnight because you work nights any chance an older teenager, possibly a childcare student if you have a local college, might stay overnight?

And if you get hit in the face by the remote control, do you just say ''oh, don't do that dear''?

You seem a bit confused.

He wasn't throwing the remote control to harm or distress the remote control.

He was throwing it at his grandfather...who is an animate object.

Anyway, let the OP give up her career because she cannot put manners on her child and no doubt, she will soon join the posters who post their terribly sad posts about their child knocking seven bells out of her and kicking doors and walls.

The grandfather was absolutely right to smack him and the next thing he should do is follow his son's example and shut the door firmly in the face of the mother and her son if she does not apologise for foisting this little oaf on him.

It doesn’t say he threw the remote at his grandparents, it says he threw it across the room. So it may be you who’s confused on this one.

You really think the police would be interested in a child getting a smack on his bum? Grow up.

No wonder there seems to be a problem with children today when so many people are rearing children without any ability to control or discipline them. If you think the only alternatives when hit by a remote control are saying "oh don't do that dear" or hitting the child then you really do need to do a parenting course pretty urgently.

I do not think the DGF was right to hit a child.

Clearly despite what DS and DGP say this arrangment can not continue long term - it's not working and you do need to step in and say no more.

Now as you need the childcare you are in a real pickle and may well have to look at changing jobs/careers as long term this just can not continue.

You think an adult hitting a child is the way to deal with bad behaviour?

Oh that's ok then.

The lengths some posters will go to to try and excuse the shitty behaviour of an out of control 8 year old.

Well, time is the best fortune teller...let's see if they would still be so forgiving of a 20 year old lout who did this to their daughter because 8 year old louts turn into adult louts unless they are brought to see the error of their ways!

Agreed. Some people need to learn how to actually parent (and that doesn’t involve hitting someone much smaller and weaker than yourself).

This tbh