Grandad hit DS. AIBU?

[mionetee]

DS is 8. His grandparents have him 1-2 nights a week as DS’ dad (their son) no longer sees him, unless in passing when at their house.

For years, DS’ behaviour has been bad at their house.They say they find him difficult to control, he doesn’t listen, shouts, talks back, throws things etc. I’ve genuinely never seen this behaviour myself, and he’s very good when with me.

He loved spending time with them and is always excited to go.

He called me from his grandmother’s phone last night in tears, saying that grandad had hurt him by smacking him across the bottom. Grandad admitted this in the background. Said it was because he was being very “gobby” and threw the remote across the room.

AIBU to stop him from going there again, or could this be discussed?

If they can no longer have him, I’ll have to leave my profession as won’t have the childcare.

Can I ask you something? If your partner grabbed you and smacked your arse in absolute anger as a punishment because he/she thought you had behaved inappropriately, would you be ok with it?

What consequences does he face for his poor behaviour?

I know obviously you are not there to witness it, but when you are informed of it, what consequences does he face?

Only in one out of four UK countries.

To quote the Op,

"A chat about his feelings! 😂😂😄

😂😂 How's that working out then... 🫣

Not really a consequence is it.

She said that separately to disciplining him, you could at least quote her correctly if you are going to do it.

Oh yes! She was a bit vague about actually correcting him but crystal clear on her little chats about his feelings.

All going to shit as he takes zero notice of her.

Then I guess he just doesnt care for the consequence. It is hard.

My niece ended up with a bare bedroom with just a bed and a lamp at one point because toys of increasing value to her kept being removed for bad behaviour.

It's hard when you have a kid who just wants to do what they want and then just take the punishment (but they got to do what they want)

To a child? Yes, though not in those words because I have never called anyone "dear". So patronising. They are LEARNING. They would be all upset anyway that they had hurt me, so the conversation would have followed on from that.

There is never a scenario where I hit a child.

That's a very big leap as to why the Father has dropped out of his son's life.

I read your first sentence then ignored the rest.

Yes.

All behaviour is not communication. Quite often it is manipulation. DS doesn't like what is required re behaviour at grandparents so is badly behaved. OP doesn't correct this because he is always fine with her - which may mean she gives into his wishes all the time, we don't know. More discipline at home looks to be the answer. Grandparents will probably be glad to be shot of DGS but OP needs to put proper boundaries on otherwise DS is going to grow up a badly behaved twerp by the sounds of it.

Well done! You are quite right to boast about your reading ability and you should no matter how small @Differentforgirls

You are very right to read only the first sentence if you know your limitations.

Hopefully, keep going and this time next year you might be able to read two sentences ---don't give up hope.

Umm....the poster was being facetious

Do you think generally that kids benefit from not having their dad in their life?

Or are you seeing this from the dad's point of view, that if your child is naughty you should walk away?

Explain it to me then?

I thought you had left the thread?

You have to have a heart to heart with your DS and find out what went on, otherwise you can have no idea whether your FIL was overreacting or not.Since your ex FIL and MIL provide so much of the childcare you will have to consider carefully.

I think that your son might benefit from seeing a psychologist. He has been abandoned by his father and is showing signs of anger and emotional dysregulation at his grandparent’s house. Underneath anger is often more vulnerable feelings like hurt, rejection or feeling not good enough. I imagine that he goes to his grandparent’s house hoping to see his father or hoping that his father will show an interest in him or that things will be different this time and is continually disappointed. That disappointment is coming out in his behaviour.

Your son might also benefit from seeing his grandparents in a different setting in which there is no chance of seeing his father such as at your house, the park or having a nice day out somewhere. That would allow them to build their relationship without the extra burden of your son worrying about whether or not his father will show up for him in the way that he wants him to.

I think some children benefit from not having a dad in their life, depending on who that dad is-especially if another family member, or step dad, is willing to step into that role.

If a child is naughty, them, no of course a dad should not walk away.

However, if a mother allows a child to be out of control, will tolerate nothing other than little chats as a consequence, will even consider giving up her career rather than put manners on him and looks aghast at his grandfather who smacked his bum then yes, maybe best to walk away and leave her to it.

The OP has never actually said why the dad recently stopped seeing his son and it could easily be because he is sick of the situation. I wonder if he tried to discipline the boy and ended up with the same reaction as his grandfather.

I wager that when that boy is 18 and terrorising her-we hear plenty of examples of this on this board-the Op will rather be wishing she had done the same herself.

Her son will react better to a smacked arse than all the little chats in the world but she chooses not to do this. That's fine, her choice, but 8 year old unchecked thugs grow into big unchecked thugs and that will be her gift to the world.

We might see that working out in later years on the stately homes thread if it still exists.

How do we hit them then if not physically? 🤷‍♀️

Good for grandad!

Just read well done. Sorry you're more than invested in me than I am in you.