AIBU to ask about your sleeping arrangements with your DP

[Hydrangeblueeyes]

About 3 years ago my husband started sleeping in the spare room due to his incessant snoring. Not only did it wake me up in the night, it stopped me from getting to sleep. I couldn't use ear plugs because I had to be on call overnight sometimes for my work and also my Mum was getting frail and she may have needed to contact me at night. He is also a light sleeper, and would often wake me up when he was getting up in the night to go downstairs if he couldn't sleep ( he would inevitably drop his phone on the bedroom floor when doing that , which meant I was seething with fury and couldn't get back to sleep!!) Any way..... three years later I have retired from work, my mum died and my husband lost weight and doesn't seem to snore. But, I don't want to ever share a bed with anyone ever again. My husband also seems happy with the arrangement. I love my own space, to read as long as I like, paint my nails at bedtime, have the room / bed as warm/cool as I like, listen to podcasts. So why do I feel that it is an admission of failure? That married couples should somehow sleep together, like my parents and grandparents did? I shouldn't care what people think, but I never tell friends/family that we don't sleep in the same bed if the subject ever comes up. It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too. We get on fine, we been together 30 years with the usual ups and downs. Does anyone else have this arrangement? If so do you feel a bit uneasy about it? Or are we just conditioned to sleep in the same bed as our partners?

we sleep seperate too. have a 3 year old, so it started for that, but actually I didnt want to go back as we both sleep better alone. I think its more common than you think

We sleep separately and everyone gives the yueach! Face when they find out. Like one of us is dying. Or we are doomed or we are aliens. It’s very looked down on but I LOVE my own bed

I mean, do you both have the intimacy you require? I know it's private but I notice that seems missing from your OP and sex is a big reason I like to sleep in bed with my partner. If, for whatever reason, we did sleep separately and I was talking about it, I think I'd be explaining the sex bit because for me, that is a big part of what makes us still a couple and not just co-parents and spouses.

Myself and my husband together 16 years. First started sleeping properly apart in 2020.

it suited us for a while but I would ultimately say it is a huge part as why our relationship isn’t great. We go to bed on arguments now without cuddles etc. it has definitely made us emotionally distant. However his snoring is so loud I can still hear him through the ceiling so I don’t think I’ll ever sleep in the same room as him again i love having my own room and bed. But I do miss the closeness sometimes but maybe not enough to change the arrangement.

We gave up on sleeping in the same bed years ago. I don't think our marriage (or DH) would have survived otherwise. Besides, it takes a king sized bed to fit me and the cat.

Separate bedrooms saved my marriage. Both DH and I snore but DH cannot sleep through it, so I moved to the spare room. I’ve made it nice and we are both happier.

We can start off in the same bed or get together in the morning, but for actual sleep we are both happier with our own space.

A friend of mine has always slept in separate rooms to her DH. Now they keep separate houses! Still very much married.
An aunt and uncle of mine slept in a separate rooms. I didn’t know until I spent the night there, so I expect quite a number of people sleep apart, I mean do you know the sleeping arrangements of all your friends? It’s not something I talk about with mine.

To be fair I do feel sleeping in the same bed is part of being married. We do have a very big bed though so I can have space (as can he!) or cuddle up as wanted.

Share if you want or not but how does intimacy work? It would feel more scheduled to me?

However, main thoughts are if you are both happy with your sleeping arrangement then go forth!

We started sleeping separately 8 years ago when we had our first baby. Definitely got the impression lots of people saw it as a warning flag but it works for us. He stays up late, I get up early. He snores and often has other grim nighttime habits, I can sometimes be awake in the night and like to read. He likes the room hot, I like it cold. We're not room sharing compatible!!

Had a hilarious chat with a family member when I announced my third pregnancy and he wanted to know how we'd managed it when we don't sleep in the same bed. He went beetroot red when I said 'Babies aren't usually made when people are asleep' 🤣

Lots of people do this. It used to be the norm to have lots of kids, so there wasn't really an option for mum and dad to sleep separately, but now most people don't have many, so if you've got a spare room, make the most of it! We slept separately between pregnancies so we could actually get some sleep, and I did talk about it. Why not? No one reacted, and people thought it was sensible.
Even in Agatha Christie, there was once a clue that involved the fact the wife didn't sleep in the same bedroom as the man (Mr Davenheim I think, but google if you want), so my point is that it's hardly a new thing, but only richer people (like most of Christie's characters) could afford a house with spare rooms!

You know bed sharing is a throwback from pure poverty don't you? Adults sleep a lot better apart. Unless you're a clingy bugger like.

I love my room, especially since I hit menopause. I don't give a fuck who knows it either. But I usually get envy they can't because they don't have room.

We sleep in different rooms, which happen to be on different floors. It's great!!

2 questions.
How old are you?
Are you still having sex?

Pretty sure couples who sleep apart are less likely to get divorced.

Being disturbed every night is an absolute torture. I have warned DH one day he will wake up dead with a pillow over his head 😆.

My spare room isn't currently set up as a bedroom but I do end up on the sofa fairly regularly.

My grandparents had a wonderful relationship and they had separate rooms due to snoring.

I don't think it's that uncommon where people have the space for it to be an option.

Me and DH (mid 40s) have had separate bedrooms for about 3 years now as his snoring was unbearable!! I love having my own peaceful and tidy bedroom and being able to sleep alone in so much space 🤣

wouldn’t like sleeping separately personally, but I enjoy sharing with DH so it’s different to finding a partner a nightmare to share with. Do you ever share any time before going to sleep? You say you have your own routine of reading, painting your nails, podcasts etc and it sounds as though you’ve both just fallen into your separate routines. “It kind of feels like separate beds equals emotional distance too.” Is this how you feel or what others have said? It doesn’t sound great that all you’ve managed to say about your DH is that “we get on fine”, though whether that lacklustre feeling is because you don’t sleep in the same bed or because of wider things would be for you to identify.

Is that because they are delaying divorce for other reasons like religion or finances?

Good sleep = good marriages

I think it is probably far more common than you think. I will often go into the spare room because I cannot deal with the sound of loud breathing or snoring, I get really annoyed by it. Far better to just go into the spare room and get a better night sleep!

I always find it a bit strange the amount of people who can't imagine sex without sharing a bed. Talk about boring af.

We love having separate rooms. We both sleep better for it. We still have plenty of sex when we feel like it, tbh teenagers floating around until all hours is much more offputting for sex than separate rooms!

Separate for the win. My littlest needs me, and I'm fine with this (as is DH)

Separate here. Sometimes we have to share if we have guests. I do not enjoy it.

My husband and I have slept in separate beds for five years, since our eldest child was born. We currently have a baby who sleeps in the room with him, but even when the baby's in his own room I think we will keep separate bedrooms. I sleep so much better on my own. I'm a terrible and light sleeper, made so much worse by having children, and his every muscle twitch wakes me when we're sharing a bed.

No issues with sex - I've never found bedtime a good time for sex anyway because by the time I'm in bed I'm exhausted and not up for it. We generally have sex when the kids are asleep in the earlier evening, or lunch breaks when we both WFH a couple of days a week. We've managed to conceive two children since we started sleeping separately so no issues there. He comes into my room at bedtime and we chat for a bit or read, then when we want to sleep he goes across the hall to his bed and I stay in mine.

It works so well for us. We love each other, fancy each other, have a very fun, loving, calm and happy marriage. But I'm not suicidally sleep deprived.